


The Quagmire-Baudelaire Switch: Part 1: Don't worry world don't feel disgrace

by Theweirdslingshot



Series: The Quagmire Baudelaire switch [1]
Category: A Series of Unfortunate Events - Lemony Snicket
Genre: 13 year old triplets vs the world, F/F, F/M, Featuring flashbacks between every new book, Gen, M/M, Triplets against humanity, the quagmire-baudelaire switch au
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-25
Updated: 2019-10-09
Packaged: 2020-09-26 14:08:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 38
Words: 51,168
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20390959
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Theweirdslingshot/pseuds/Theweirdslingshot
Summary: What would happen if it was the Quagmires living the life of the Baudelaires?Well… this. This is what would happen.





	1. A very sad day

If you are looking for a cute story about three brave but quirky triplets then you should look elsewere. There are probably a lot of other stories about just that. I mean, there is that catalan kids show about a pair of triplet girls who gets sent to fairy tales by a witch that is called "Les tres bessones". Or, if you prefer spanish, "Las tres mellizas." Or if you prefer english, where it's just called "The triplets". This show exists in other languages too, so if none of these languages are of your preference, I can assure you from looking at the trustworthy source of internet that it has been translated into 35 languages, which means there is a high chance it is one of the languages you prefer.

But this story is not about those kinds of triplets. If it was a witch in this story, it would not be a very nice witch. This tale is nothing but sorrows and woes, and the triplets here do not, ever, even get a suggestion of getting transferred into a fairy tale.

Quigley, Isadora and Duncan were smart children who were around the age of thirteen. This fine day, they had asked their parents if they could take a rickety trolley to Briny Beach, which was a place just a few blocks away. Normally the beach would be crowded with people, but this day was more cloudy and dusty, which meant no one wanted to spend a day on briny beach. Except for the Quagmire triplets. When they had the beach by themselves, they could easily focus on the things that interest them the most.

Quigley Quagmire was the oldest of the triplets. He was since early childhood very adventurous and would always dream of exploring the world. This day on Briny Beach, he searched around for some spots, or some places if you will, that were hidden for the untrained eye. Often in the Quagmires large mansion, you could find Quigley in a series of peculiar spots, like under the large stairs or behind a curtain the the family library. One time, the entire family looked for him and found him lying pressed behind a couch, but his feet lied behind a bookshelf somehow.  
Of course it was harder finding hidden spots on an open beach, but Quigley knew that if he concentrated enough, he would be able to find atleast one.

The middle child of the triplets, and the only girl, was Isadora Quagmire. She was born three minutes after Quigley and three minutes before Duncan. She looked to be very well mannered and smart, but if you knew Isadora well, you would know that she was only one of those things. Isadora could act like a well raised little angel child that the society wanted her to be, but she could really have a way with getting in trouble because of her sharp tounge. Isadora was as adventurous as Quigley, but in a more chaotic sense.  
One of Isadoras biggest interests was writing poetry in her notebook that she always carried around. She especially liked to write couplets, a word which here meant "a pair of succesive lines of verse, typically rhyming and of the same lenght". Being an edgy and dark soul that she really was deep inside, she found much inspiration on an empty beach when the weather was cloudy.

The youngest of the triplets was Duncan Quagmire, as you obviously have guessed by now. He was not as adventurous as his siblings, and was more pleased with reading a book quietly rather than play hide and seek with Quigley or stop Isadora from jumping down from the roof with an umbrella to see if she could fly. Duncan was the child that the triplets parents never had to look for. He was always curled up in a couch or an armchair, reading or writing in his notebook.  
Duncan was a real journalist. Pretty much since he learned to write he wrote down notes about random things. Everything from recepies to cakes to which color a character wore on the eleventh chapter of a book... Duncan wrote it all down. This was why he agreed to follow his siblings to Briny Beach, in case there was something worth documenting.

All three of the siblings concentrated on the things they liked, when Quigley suddenly saw a shadow lurking in the fog that had slowly entered the beach. He poked lightly on his siblings to get their attention.  
"Oh fuck." Isadora exclaimed, "A human."  
"I hope they don't come to us." Duncan added.  
"Well, there is no one on this beach besides us and that random seagull over there." Quigley said. Both he and his siblings wished the shadow would go to the seagull to talk instead. But as I unfortunately will tell you, the shadow was on their way to the Quagmire triplets. Isadora held a rock that she found on the ground and considered throwing it at the shadow to make it go away. Most people would choose to not throw a rock at a strange shadow in a fog, no matter how tempted they were to do it. But Isadora was not like most people, and she threw away the rock without extra thought.

This was both a fortunate and unfortunate thing. The fortunate thing was that the rock missed the shadow and landed just right in front of it. The unfortunate thing was the man that the shadow belonged to. It was Mr Poe, who worked at a bank and always coughed like he had choked on a chicken stick and needed to get it out. Besides the very bad news he was about to bring to the children, he also genuenly needed a rock thrown at him, because the more the children encountered this man in the future, the more they wished Isadoras rock had hit him.  
"Oh! You need to work on your rock throwing, my child." Mr Poe said, and then started coughing.  
"Yeah." Isadora muttered, annoyed over the rock not hitting him and the fact that he called her "my child" even if he was not related to her in the slightest.  
"How do you do?" Duncan said, trying to be polite.  
Mr Poe did not reply properly, and instead just coughed.  
"I feel the same." Quigley said, as if Mr Poe had said something in his cough.  
"I have... some very bad news for you, children."  
The triplets looked at Poe with confusion. All of them thought of what the very bad news could be.  
Quigley was thinking Mr Poe had looked up his cough and found out it was serious and he had to take medication now or something.  
Isadora thought Mr Poe had his own two children taken by social workers, because Poe was just terrible with children.  
Duncan just thought Mr Poe said the rickedy trolley had broken down and they will have to walk home.  
"What is it?" Quigley asked.  
Mr Poe took a deep sigh. "Your parents have perished in a terrible fire."

For a long while, the triplets just stared at him. The first one to say something was Quigley.  
"What?"  
"Perished means killed." Mr Poe said slowly.  
"We know what perished means." Isadora said sharply. She really wanted to add something to that, like "you mad donkey" or "you stupid lickety split" or some other nonsense child-friendly insult she could come up with, but she decided not to.  
"I am sorry that I have to tell you this." Mr Poe said, looking down.

That day was the day that everything changed for the Quagmire triplets. They sat in Mr Poes car, still shocked of the news. It seemed too unreal to be true. But it was, as they drove past their large mansion that was completely in flames. The large library, where they had so many wonderful memories had disappeared completely, and not even if you looked close you'd know if there was once a library there. Their bedrooms, where they sometimes woke up by a butler, who stayed with them while their parents had their work trips and came in with three plates of pancakes for them to have as breakfast was also completely gone, and only a half of a burnt bed was visible was left.  
"I just want to assure you children" mr Poe said, "that you have absolutely nothing to worry about. You three have inherited a large fortune of sapphires, which you will get when you come of age."  
"And what will we do until then?" Quigley sniffed.  
"You will be staying at my house." mr Poe said, "Until we find a suitable guardian."  
The children walked back to mr Poes car, still looking at the burnt remains.  
"Say goodbye, Quagmires."  
"Goodbye." the triplets whispered together.

Their staying with the Poes was not very pleasant. Mr Poe worked very often and was only present at dinners, where he mostly coughed and told about how he has tried to find a guardian for the Quagmires. Mrs Poe had given them clothes that itched and looked really ugly. She especially bought bright pink dresses for Isadora to wear, because she thought Isadora's clothes were too ungirly and "could get the wrong idea about what kind of girl she was".  
Then there was Edgar and Albert, the two sons of the Poe house. They were quite boring boys that had nothing to add to this large world we live in, and were also not so well-mannered or even nice. Albert had asked the second they were alone how the Quagmire triplets had set the fire that destroyed their home, believing that they were the ones responsible for it. Duncan ignored them, while Quigley and Isadora started to respond with sarcastic answers.  
"We just took some sticks from the forest and rubbed them against each other." Isadora said without blinking.  
"You know, we just used our minds to start a fire." Quigley said, just as an empty view as his sister.

You would wonder how Quigley and Isadora could talk with such sarcasm and how they could joke like that when something so horrible have happened to them so recently.  
The truth was, they were devastated as could be. But when everything is so awful and so horrible, some people try to make something positive in their situation. The only joy Quigley and Isadora got out of being forced to share a small matress in a home where they got ugly clothes and had to wait to be moved to a guardian they never met before, was to see Albert and Edgar fully believing their made up stories about how they set fire to their home that they never in real life lighted a match in, despite them telling a different story every time.

But when night fell, all three of the Quagmire triplets felt so much grief and loneliness, because it is most likely to feel sorrow in the darkness when everyone else is sleeping.  
"Isadora?" Duncan whispered, turning to his sister on their small matress.  
"Quiet, or you'll wake up tweedle dee and tweedle dum." Isadora responded grumpily, refering to Edgar and Albert sleeping in their overly sized beds. Isadora did not mean to sound grumpy, she was just tired and felt like the world had fallen apart. Duncan understood, and stroked her head.  
"I... I don't want to be here." Duncan said, and felt how his tears started to form.  
"No one wants to be in this house, brother." Isadora replied. She turned to him, carefully as she lied in the middle and didn't want to wake up Quigley, and looked Duncan in the eyes. As it was dark, she couldn't see much, but she could feel her brother looking back at her.  
"Do you want to talk?" Isadora asked.  
"Yes."  
"Then we need to go somewhere more private."

The siblings sneaked down the stairs and closed all the doors behind them. They sat in the living room, still talking in quiet voices.  
"I hope mr Poe has found us a guardian soon." Duncan said, sniffing slightly.  
"Yeah. If I have to spend one more minute being dressed liked a doll by mrs Poe or play the most boring of games with Edgar and Albert, I will explode." Isadora added.  
"It feels so unreal, Isadora. All of this."  
"I know..."  
"What are you doing?" a voice said. The sibling looked in relief, as it was only Quigley, rubbing his eyes. He might have felt loneliness and sadness in the night aswell, and wanted to talk about it with his siblings.  
"We needed some space." Isadora explained.  
"Mind if I join your space?" Quigley said.  
"Not at all." Duncan said, smiling.

The siblings did not talk much. Instead, they just cuddled together in the Poe family's couch. They could care less if mrs Poe would complain of them "acting too much like it was their home by sitting in the couch", because they needed this right now. Last week, everything was completely different. They had a home, a large library, their own beds... and _living parents_.

The Quagmire triplets cried softly, while huddling together in the night. Atleast they had each other.


	2. Why Mr.Poe should not take care of guardian choosing

"A new guardian?"  
"Finally!"  
The Quagmires almost ran out of the Poe house. Just five minutes ago, he had called from work telling the Quagmires that he was going to pick them up, because he had found a new guardian for them. The instant reaction the triplets had was a series of cheers and small dances behind doors, because it meant that they would finally leave the Poe family, which they hated every minute in.   
"Goodbye, mrs Poe." Duncan said politely. "Thanks for everything."  
"Goodbye, Quagmires." mrs Poe responded, although she sounded very bored. "Edgar, Albert, say goodbye to our guests."  
"Goodbye." Edgar and Albert said together. They watched through the window how the Quagmires waited for mr Poe to park his car so they could get in. Isadora saw it, and gave them the middle finger as a final goodbye.

But as the triplets sat in the backseat of the car, they suddenly felt a cold nervousness.  
"What is the name of our new guardian?" Quigley asked.  
"He likes to call himself Count Olaf. He is an actor." mr Poe answered.  
"Why haven't we met him before?" Isadora asked.  
"Probably because he is very busy. As a bankman I am very busy myself, which is why this dropoff will be short."  
"Thank you for assuming we can handle changes fast." Isadora said, but very silently so mr Poe didn't hear.

After driving through the entire town it seemed, Poe finally stopped his car. The first thing the Quagmires saw was a nice, pretty house with a lovely garden. Their nervousness shrunk. In front of them stood a woman, carrying some groceries.  
"Hello! Welcome! Shalom!" the woman greeted them. "I am Justice Strauss, and I am very pleased to have you here."  
"You have a lovely home." Duncan said, hoping this was their new guardian.  
"We are going to live with Count Olaf." Quigley added, "Do you know him?"  
"Oh." Justice Strauss replied. "No, I don't know him very well. His house is over there."  
She pointed at a large, ugly house that seriously could use some renovating.   
"How could we not have noticed that?" Isadora asked, "Seriously. It's huge."  
"And probably very broken." Duncan added.  
"Well, it was nice meeting you." Quigley said politely to Justice Strauss.  
"You can come over anytime! I have a library you can use." Justice Strauss said with a smile. The triplets smiled back.

But the smile disappeared as soon as they entered the front door of Count Olafs house. Mr Poe rang the doorbell, and after a while the door widely opened.  
"Hello, hello, hello, children."  
"Hello." Quigley said quickly.  
"My name is Count Olaf, and I am pleased to have you three..."

He took a brief pause. Then he leaned over to mr Poe.

"Are they all boys?" he asked.  
"They are all girls." mr Poe said.  
"What?" Duncan protested.  
"Two girls and one boy." mr Poe coughed.  
"Two boys and one girl." Isadora corrected.  
"Then which one of you is the girl?" Count Olaf asked.  
"Well Olaf, Isadora here is the one wearing this lovely dress my wife bought for her, so it must be obvious." mr Poe giggled. Isadora gave him a glare, since there is a thousand better ways to inform that kind of thing.

  
"Anyway." Olaf frowned, "Will you step in, my orphans? I know my home isn't like your burned down mansion, but perhaps we can use the enormous fortune of sapphires you three-"  
"Excuse me." mr Poe interrupted. He coughed for a while before continuing. "The sapphire fortune can't be used until the triplets come of age."  
"How old are they now?" Olaf muttered.  
"Around ten, i suppose." mr Poe said and smiled.  
"We are thirteen." Duncan said. Count Olaf looked like he growled.

  
"Well." Mr Poe said, "Goodbye, Quagmires. Remember you can always call me if you need anything."  
And with that, the triplets were alone with their new guardian.

"So?" Count Olaf said rather harshly, "Are you going to say 'how do you do' to your new guardian?"  
"How do you do?" Duncan said, looking nervously around.  
Olaf bent down to the triplets. "Better and better, orphans. Let me give you a tour of your new home."

He opened a door to the right.  
"This is the kitchen, where you will cook all the meals."  
"Kitchen?" Isadora whispered, "More like room of unwashed dishes."

Her brothers did not giggle as she hoped. They just focused on Olaf, who kind of danced around them while opening another door.

The tour was very straight forward. Count Olaf just opened a door, telling them what the room was for, and then going straight to the next room.   
"You three must be very tired from the way here." Count Olaf said after going through basicly every room in the house.  
"Well..." Quigley shrugged.  
"So I am going to let you sleep. Goodnight." Olaf smiled as he opened the door and closed it the second the triplets walked inside the room.  
"But the sun is still up!" Quigley protested.  
The triplets looked around in the room. It was a very small dark room, with a light in the ceiling that barely worked.   
"One bed." Isadora sighed. "Fantastic."

Even though the sun was still up, the Quagmires did not know if they were allowed to go out of the room or not. It reminded them of once when they were around eight years old and got babysat by a very grumpy woman. She had very strict rules about almost everything and could forbid the children for doing things they usually could do without problem when their parents were home. One thing she used to do was not allowing them to leave their room until they had completed all their homework assignments. But if you were someone like the Quagmire triplets, you could not really focus hours and hours of something boring and completely unnessecary lika a bunch of papers with random info without taking a break to read some poetry and eat some fruit.

  
"Did you see that eye on his ankle?" Quigley asked.  
"He seems like a dick." Isadora groaned.  
"Well, first impressions can often be wrong." Duncan said.  
"You're right."

The triplets turned around. At the door stood Olaf with three bowls, three spoons and a bag of oatmeal.  
"Your dinner." he said. "I realised that you needed something to eat, although I myself can live without food several days. But since you just got here, consider this a little something I made for you to make you feel welcome."

He placed everything on the floor and stared blankly at them.

"When you are done eating, go down to the kitchen and wash the bowls and spoons. Then go back to your room, and go to sleep. Is that clear?"  
"What if we have to use the bathroom?" Duncan asked.  
"Then just find the first one possible." Count Olaf muttered. "But don't even go up in my secret tower room."  
A silence broke out.  
"Thank you?" Isadora said, not knowing at all what to say but still felt like she needed to say something.  
"You're welcome." Olaf said, not even looking at her. "Good night, orphans."

"So..." Quigley shrugged, "Who is going to sleep in the bed?"


	3. Olaf slaps a child (or technically a teenager)

The triplets had stayed with Count Olaf for a couple of days and they were already quite miserable. Every morning, they went down to the kitchen to eat breakfast, and Count Olaf had always left a note on the frigde, where he had written a list of chores for the children to do. The chores were often hard and tedious, and not even a well skilled housekeeper could pull it off that great. The triplets didn't know what would happen if they didn't complete the list, and they wouldn't want to know either. At night, they tried to share the very small bed, but they ended up switching who would sleep on the bed, who would sleep on the floor and who would sleep on the hammock the triplets set up with some sheets they found. Isadora and Duncan mostly complained, but stayed pretty quiet otherwise. Quigley was another story. He had already planned to escape from the house in atleast nine ways, but every time he tried it was something that stopped him. Something that just made him feel like he shouldn't do it.

The only real good thing about Olaf was that he was never really around much. He was most often in his secret tower room where the triplets weren't allowed to go or out to perform auditions. But even if he wasn't there, the triplets could still feel his presence. Olaf had an awful tatoo of an eye on his ankle, and that eye seemed to be everywhere. Not only had he signed his notes on the fridge with the eye instead of his name, but also several windows in the house was shaped as an eye, including the bedroom of the triplets. That meant, that each night, they would sleep with a shadow formed as an eye, looking down at them.

This day, Olaf had written something different on his note on the fridge:

_Orphans,_  
_My theatre troop eats dinner here tonight. Have the dinner ready for all ten of them when they arrive at 7. Buy some food, cook it, serve it and then wash the dishes, and try stay_ _out of sight._

"How the fuck are we going to cook something in this kitchen?" Quigley muttered.  
"What do we even have here?" Isadora asked, opening a kitchen cabinet. "It's just uncooked pasta here, lying around."  
"How about pasta and meatballs?" Duncan suggested.  
"No, I want something grander." Quigley said.  
"Do we have any cookbooks?" Isadora asked.  
Quigley scanned the room. "No. But I think I know someone who has."

"The Quagmire triplets?" Justice Strauss gasped.  
"Hello, Justice Strauss." Quigley said politely, "Me and my siblings were wondering if me might use your library."  
"If you might use my library?" Strauss repeated, and then thought for a second. Then she smiled. "Of course. Any books you are looking for in particular?"  
"Cookbooks." the triplets said at the same time.  
They followed Justice Strauss inside her home, and she kindly opened the door to her library for them. The triplets almost felt nostalgic, as it looked very similar to the library they had in their old mansion.  
"The cooking books should be right next to the books about chinese cars." Justice Strauss said, "It's so nice that you want to cook some food for your new theatre family. I always wanted to be an actress."

The triplets scanned through multiple books, but got more bored since none of them really had an interest in cooking. After an hour, they had instead found other, more interesting books to read. Quigley had got stuck on a story about three children that ran away from home, and they had just found a homeless man that sold glue. Isadora had found a book about the history of sapphic litterature, which was one of the things she never found at home, and was very concentrated on the book. Duncan had found an autobiography about some girl that claimed she was the most prettiest and most talented girl in the world. He wasn't sure how she thought that, but it was fun to mock her in his head. Also, he felt like he had actually _met _her once before, but that would be very silly.

"So?" Justice Strauss asked, "Have you found any recepies?"  
"Um-" Quigley stuttered, glancing around. "Yes, uh..."  
"Pasta puttanesca." Duncan blurted out. He pointed at an open cookbook he had forgotten to close.  
"Lovely." Justice Strauss giggled, "But it's five o'clock now. Maybe you should go home and start cooking."  
"Oh, how time flies!" Isadora exclaimed, looking like she was interrupted from some deep thoughts.  
"Thanks for everything." Quigley nodded awkwardly and started to walk out.  
"You're welcome to use my library whenever you want!" Justice Strauss smiled.

In Olaf's kitchen, the triplets looked for everything they needed to make a puttanesca sause. Count Olaf had told them to buy some food, but then he hadn't given them any money to buy anything, so the triplets had to find everything in the kitchen. After a while of searching, they had brought out literally everything in the kitchen.

"Well..." Duncan said, "We have garlic, but no anchovy."  
"They have to accept it." Isadora muttered, "After all, they can't expect that much from three children."  
"We are technically teenagers now since we are thirteen." Quigley said.  
"Well, do you feel like a teenager?"  
"I feel older than I did yesterday."  
"Quigley, you still have a high pitched voice and I haven't seen any pimples on you yet. You are a child."  
"Well, you still have high pitched voice _too_!" Quigley protested.  
Isadora rolled her eyes.

"When are you even considered a teen, really?" Duncan asked, as he like many children his age were quite interested on that subject, but didn't feel comfortable asking much about it.  
"Oh, Duncan..." Isadora giggled, "Didn't you read that puberty book that our parents hid the highest shelf in our library?"  
"Yeah, why did they even put it there?" Quigley chuckled.  
"They said they wouldn't take it down until it was 'time' for us to know that."  
"Stupid of them. You can hit puberty already when you are 9, and they wouldn't prepare us for that until it already happened?"  
"I guess they wanted us to think something is wrong with our bodies so they could comfort us."  
"What are you talking about?" Duncan asked, kinda confused.  
"Duncan." Isadora said calmly, "You should have done like me and Quigley and read that book in secrecy under the blankets. You would've learned a lot from it."  
"Shut up and focus on the cooking."

The triplets worked as hard as they had ever done. Isadora cooked all the pasta, while Quigley and Duncan worked on the puttanesca sauce. Duncan then made chocolate pudding, since he had found some in a shelf and decided to make it because the pudding seemed to expire very soon.  
"Do you think they like it?" Isadora asked.  
"I hope so." Quigley responded nervously.

Right as he said that, Count Olaf bursted through the door. Behind him, there was a bunch of interesting looking people. There was a man with hooks instead of hands, a tall bald man with a falcon nose, two white faced women, a person which the triplets did not know was male or female, and several other people that were hard to see in the crowd.

"This is the orphans, who has prepared our dinner." Olaf said, and kinda looked angry with the children.  
"Oh my, they are hideous." one of the white faced women said.  
"Except that one." the bald man added, pointing at Isadora. "You are a pretty thing."  
Isadora flinched slightly and looked away.  
"Be ready to serve us in two minutes." Olaf said and closed the door for the kitchen.

"Well..." Quigley shrugged. "Ok?"  
"I think he was drunk." Duncan said.  
"They were all definetly drunk." Isadora sniffed.  
"Are you ok, Is?"  
"Yeah... yeah, I am..."

"We want food!" someone screamed from the other room.  
Quigley sighed. "Ready to go out there?"  
"Yeah." Isadora said sharply, grabbing the bowl of pasta. "Let's go."

They went out and started to serve the food to everyone around the table. Most of the people in the troupe took the food they got served without much comment, which made the triplets less nervous. Also, they seemed to like it. Isaodora was still a little anxious with the bald man, but it was nothing compared to what would happen next. The triplets went up to Olaf to serve the food, when he glanced at it with a disgusted face.

"What's that?"  
"Pasta puttanesca." Duncan said slowly.  
"Where's the roast beef?"  
"What?"  
"Are you deaf, orphan? Where is the roast beef?"  
"You didn't say you wanted any roast beef." Quigley said in annoyance.  
"No roast beef? Look at my guests! They can hardly touch this horrid food!"  
The theatre troupe, who happily ate the pasta puttanesca, suddenly spat it out.  
"You three can go to your beds." Olaf muttered.  
This is when Duncan snapped. "You mean our _bed_? You only provided us with one bed!"  
"If you want another bed." Olaf groaned, "Tomorrow, you can go into town and buy one."  
"You know fully well we don't have any money!"  
"Yes, you do. You have inherited the Quagmire sapphires, who is worth a lot-"  
"That money is not to be used until we come of age!"  
After Duncan said that, Olaf smacked him across the face.

  
Duncan let out a small cry. Olaf looked at him with dark eyes.  
"Come on." he said to the troupe. "We have some work to do."

As soon as he left, Quigley and Isadora bent down to their brother.  
"Duncan?" Isadora said with a worrying face.  
"This..." Duncan sniffed, shaking his hands. "This is not right."  
"No, it is definetly not right." Isadora said, grinding her teeth. "I'd rather be forced to eat rotten ricepilaf than live one more second in the house of Count Olaf."  
"We need to get out of here." Quigley muttered. He hugged his brother tightly. "And we need to get out of here fast."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bonus points for the people who knows what books Quigley and Duncan read! (Especially if you know what book Quigley read!)


	4. A spoon of complaints and a cube of evilness

Isadora woke up by the door smashing open and almost fell out of bed because of it. Duncan slept in the hammock that night, and he _did_ fall out of it.

"You stupid brat!" Count Olaf yelled, pushing Quigley into the room. "I need to set a leash on you!"  
He slammed the door in Quigleys face.  
"What happened?" Isaodora asked, rubbing her eyes.  
"I escaped." Quigley said.  
"What?"  
"I woke up as early as I could and-"  
"Wait." Isadora said. "How could you wake up early? We don't exactly have an alarm clock. And no one wakes us up, and we don't hear a thing in this house. It honestly feels like the whole world is quiet here."  
"I just... forced myself to wake up, I guess." Quigley shrugged.

"The most important thing is" Duncan said, sitting up from his fall of the hammock, "you escaped without us."  
"Just listen!" Quigley sighed, "I managed to sneak down to the living room, where I yesterday had noticed that there was something under the carpet... and I think it almost looked like a secret door?"  
"A secret door on the floor under the carpet?" Isadora said, sounding like that actually could be true since everything was already off in this house.  
"Yeah. But... well, Olaf caught me. He must've woken up. Though he was awfully quiet, it almost startled me."

"Does it still hurt?" Isadora asked, glancing at Duncan's bruise.  
"No, but... it feels weird."  
"Didn't mr Poe say we could get to him if we had any questions?" Quigley asked.  
"Well, we don't have any questions." Isadora said. "We have a complaint."  
"Yeah. Let's go complain."

The triplets went down to the kitchen to eat some breakfast real quick, and looked at the chores Count Olaf had set up for them today. But today, it only said something like "Clean the dinner table from yesterday", so they just ignored it. Isadora even ripped it apart as they walked out.

They took the rickety trolley (which seemed to be the only transportation to town, since none of the triplets could remember ever taking a bus) and tried to look for the bank mr Poe worked in.

"What was it called now again?" Isadora asked.  
"Milk Money managment?" Quigley guessed.  
Isadora let out a huge chuckle. "Okay, I don't think _that's _the name."  
"It is called Mulctuary Money Managment." Duncan explained, "and it's right over there."

They went inside and asked a guard if this is where mr Poe worked, and the guard took them to a very ugly office with no windows.  
"Hello dear Quagmires!" mr Poe cheered. "What brings you here?"  
"We came here to talk about Count Olaf." Quigley said slowly.  
Mr Poe coughed slightly.

"He is crazy!" Duncan blurted out, just wanting to get onto business.  
"He striked Duncan across the face!" Isadora yelled. But right as she said it, a phone in the office started to ring.  
"Hello?" Mr Poe responded. "Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. No. Yes. Thank you."  
The triplets stared blankly at him.  
"I'm sorry." he coughed. "You were saying?"  
"Count Olaf always calls us orphans!"  
"He has horrbile friends!"  
"Can't you see Duncan's face?"

Mr Poe coughed for a long while into his handkerchief.  
"I am sorry you made a bad start with Count Olaf."  
"But-" Quigley said.  
"Do you know what the term 'in loco parentis' means?" mr Poe asked.  
"Something about trains?" Duncan suggested.  
"No, it means 'to act in the role of a parent'. Which fits for Count Olaf. He acts in the role of your parent by being your guardian, and therefore I can't do anything about his methods."  
"Son of a bitch." Isadora mumbled.

  
When they arrived home, Olaf sat at the dinner table.  
"Mr Poe called." he said, not even saying hello or anything beforehand. "He said you had visited him in his office today."  
"Well." Isadora muttered, as she was done with everyones business. "Don't listen to that man."  
"No, but I am glad he did. Look what I baked."  
He held up a plate of three rasberry cupcakes. "They're delicious."  
"Thank you?" Quigley said.  
"Thanks?" Duncan said.  
"They are store bought." Isadora said.  
"I wanted to make it more comfortable here for you, children." Count Olaf said.  
"Okay?" Quigley responded.

"I have decided" Count Olaf exclaimed, "That you three shall be part of my next play."  
"Really?" Duncan said, "What's it called?"  
"'The Marvelous Marriage'! You boys will play two midgets who is cheering in the crowd!"  
"And me?" Isadora asked, "Can I recite some poetry?"  
Count Olaf kind of giggled. "Recite some poetry? Oh, Isadora! A pretty girl like you shouldn't waste your time reciting boring poetry on stage!"  
"But i'd like to-"  
"No, Isadora. I am going to play the groom, and you, my child, will play my beatiful bride."  
Isadora stared at him blankly. "Ew."  
"You only have one line, my child, and I think you know what it is."  
"I don't."  
"No!" Olaf chuckled, "It's 'I do'."

Later that day, the triplets sat in their room.  
"Something is not quite right about this." Duncan said.  
"You got that right." Isadora groaned, "and now I have to marry this ugly human against my will."  
"Well, it's only acting." Quigley noted.  
"Still."  
Duncan suddenly stood up. "What if... it's not?"  
"What do you mean?" Quigley asked.  
"Olaf is after our fortune, right?"  
"Yeah?"  
"And Isadora is not not old enough to marry anyone."  
"I don't think I am even allowed to marry at all." Isadora sighed.  
"Wait, what?"  
Isadora shook her head. "What?"  
"What?"  
"What?"  
"Stop what-ing!" the bald man said, who had opened the door. "I am trying to shave!"  
That shut the children up for a while.  
"We need to figure this out." Duncan said slowly.


	5. Duncan is made for theatre

"Hello!" Justice Strauss cheered, "Are you here for more cookbooks?"  
"No." Duncan said proffesionally, "Today, we are here to read books about lawsuit."  
"Really?" Justice Strauss asked, "I mean, I'm a jugde, and not even I'm interested in those books."  
"We are actually considering a career in law." Duncan lied, "Those books interest us."  
"Well, everyone has different interests." Strauss shrugged.  
The Quagmires went inside the library and started to look inside all of the books about lawsuit, marriage and crimes.

"This is so boring." Quigley said after a while.  
"Brother." Duncan said stiffly, "We have to know Olaf's plan. What have you found so far?"  
"Only something about a lady giving all of her money to her cats after she died, so the butler kidnapped them and then he got himself to Timbuktu."  
"Okay..." Duncan said slowly, wondering if he had heard that before. "How about you, Isadora?"  
"I found a group of actors performing _Macbeth_ naked on stage."  
Her brothers blushed.  
"Let me see!" Quigley said, leaning over to see how the book described that. "This is insane! Duncan, come take a look at this!"  
"I'd rather not." Duncan said, looking a bit uncomfortable.

Hours went by, and both Isadora and Quigley had grown tired and gotten out to help Josephine in her garden. Duncan was the only one left, and even if he yawned several times he was determined to find answers. That is when the door to the library opened.  
"Olaf?" Duncan said.  
"I am here to pick you boys up." Olaf responded with a weird pose.  
"Why just... us boys?"  
"Aren't all three of you boys?"  
"...no?"  
Olaf looked relieved. "Great, then I atleast don't have to pretend one of you is a girl I marry."  
Duncan just stared at his guardian with so many questions in his head.  
"Count Olaf!" Justice Strauss said, noticing him. "What brings you here?"  
"I have marvelous news!" Olaf cheered. "I want you, Justice Strauss, to act in my newest play!"  
Justice Strauss's eyes lit up. "Me? Act?"  
"Yes! You will playing a judge who will witness me and my bride getting married!"  
"Oh my!"  
"And you might as well use words that a real judge uses, to make it more realistic!"  
That is when Duncan realised what Count Olaf's plan really was.

"Are you sure?" Quigley asked. The triplets sat in their room, tired from all the reading.  
"Yes." Duncan said. "I... need to confront him."  
"Good luck with that." Isadora chuckled, playing with her hair.  
Duncan sighed, and slowly walked down to the dining room where Count Olaf currently sat.

"I know your plan." he said slowly.  
"Really?" Count Olaf frowned.  
"You're not going to marry Isadora in the play. You are going to marry her for real. That's why you need Justice Strauss."  
"Oh, very good my boy." Olaf chuckled.  
"But my sister is not old enough to marry!" Duncan protested. "Even if she wanted to! She doesn't have a permission to get married!"  
"Oh, but she does."  
Duncan's pupils shrunk.  
"To marry, she needs a permission from her guardian." Olaf explained, "and she does. I actually encourage it."  
"You evil man." Duncan whispered.  
"All Isadora has to do is to sign a document with her own hands, and then I will get your fortune, and she will be my wife."  
Duncan stood up. "We will stop you, Olaf. You know we will!"  
He then stormed out, while Olaf laughed at him. "That kid is made for theatre."

Quigley and Isadora stood in the staircase, eavesdropping on everything.  
"Well, Olaf is not wrong about Duncan being made for theatre." Isadora said.  
"Speak for yourself, sister." Quigley chuckled. But he soon got serious again. "How can you be so calm when you are getting married to Olaf?"  
"Because" she said, "Like he said, I need to sign it with my own hands. What if I don't?"  
"How the hell are you going to do that?"  
"What if you or Duncan dresses up as me and signs the document?"  
"Yeah, only one problem." Quigley said slowly, "If one of us dresses up as you, it would eventually lead to one of us being married to Olaf, and our plan would fail anyway."  
"Are you sure about that?"  
"I am not sure about anything ever."

That night, the triplets stayed up late to think about what to do. Duncan continued to read the books he had borrowed from Justice Strauss, while Isadora wrote poetry in her notebook. Quigley just sat in the hammock and stared out the window.  
"What if we get out for here before the play?" Quigley suggested, "Run away. Together. We can sleep outside. What do you say?"  
No response. His siblings were inside their own world.  
"Hello? Duncan?"  
"Shut up! I have to concentrate!"  
"Isadora, what do you say?"  
Isadora turned her head slowly and looked into Quigley's soul. "I am killing Olaf in my head, with knifes and kitanas in the lead. So shut up and let me write, because poetry is the only thing that feels right."  
"I-"

Both Duncan and Isadora eventually went to sleep, but Quigley stayed up. He had stared out from the window for god knows how long. He felt hopeless. He really wanted to help his siblings, and stop this plan. He really just wanted to get out of here. And he wanted to do it now.


	6. A long and confusing chapter including a play

"Quigley?"  
"Where's Quigley?"  
"Quigley!"  
"What are you brats screaming about?" Olaf muttered.  
"We can't find Quigley!" Duncan said in panic.  
Olaf rolled his eyes. "Have you searched the backyard?"  
Duncan and Isadora rushed to the backyard, panicking over not seeing Quigley there.  
"Don't look so down." Olaf said, drinking his coffee. "I'd say things are looking up." When he said "up", he gestured his head up into the sky. The two triplets looked up...

...and saw their brother peeking out of Count Olafs secret tower room.  
"Quigley?" Duncan yelled. "What are you doing there?"  
"He locked me in here!" Quigley yelled back. "Olaf! He-"  
Something dragged him away from the tower window.  
"Quigley!" Duncan and Isadora yelled in unison.  
"He'll be fine." Olaf bickered.  
"What did you do to him?"   
"I did nothing but lock him inside my secret tower room. That little monkey tried to escape the house, and I have to set some boundaries. He will be released after the play."  
"But-" Isadora said.  
"I know what you are going to say, orphan." Olaf interrupted. "You are going to ask how the poor boy can use the bathroom when he is locked up."  
"That was not-"  
"Well, my child. He is a boy. He can figure his ways out."  
Isadora and Duncan shared a look of uncomfortableness and disgust.

Quigley had been pulled away by the hook-handed man, who had snuck behind him while he screamed out to his siblings.  
"Let me go!" he yelled.  
"I'm not going to hurt you." the hook-handed man assured him. "But I am keeping an eye on you so you don't run away. The boss got very mad with your last attempt, you know."

Quigley tried to not get touched by the sharp hooks. "Leave me... alone."  
"You can either stay here like a good boy or jump out the window."   
Quigley flinched from the hook-handed man's arms and started to climb up to the window.  
"Wait-" the hook-handed man yelled, "Kid, what are you doing? Get down here!"  
Quigley looked at him with no emotion in his face. "I am going to jump out the window to be free."  
"No!"  
The hook-handed man grabbed Quigley hard, and threw him onto a chair.  
"I guess we have to do this the hard way, kid."

The night before the big day was a nerve for everyone. Duncan and Isadora still hadn't figured out how to stop Olaf's plan, and Quigley was tied up in a chair with a man with hooks who just stared at him menacingly.

"I don't know what we'll do anymore." Duncan whispered. He glanced at Isadora who moved her hand slowly around as she wrote poetry in her notebook. Using her _own hands_ to create something she lived for.  
"Own hands..." Duncan thought out loud.  
Isadora got out of her poetry bubble, "What?"

Duncan didn't listen, and took out his own notebook and wrote down what he had just thought.  
"Duncan, what do you-"  
Suddenly, Duncan fell asleep right on his notebook. He hadn't slept a lot in the past days, and it made him more and more cranky. Isadora just gave her sleeping brother a smile. She put the notebook beside him, and put a blanket over him. She then saw the hook-handed man passing by their room, so she opened the window, who this night really gave the shadow of the eye Olaf had on his ankle.

"Quigley?" she yelled out, hoping her brother would hear her.  
"Isadora?" Quigley yelled back.  
"Are you okay? I saw the hook-handed man passing by. Are you alone up there?"  
"I am fine. He tied me to a chair though."  
"What? Quigley, I will come up right now!"  
"No! I don't want you to get in trouble!"

But Isadora had already run up to the tower. After exactly 15 seconds, she had opened the door.  
"Isadora Quagmire!" Quigley exclaimed. "You are insane!"  
"I don't care" Isadora said as she started to untie her brother, "I don't care if he has not harmed you or mentally scared you. Tying someone to a chair is wrong!"  
"I know, but-"  
"Quigley! This is not fine!"  
"You are right, my darling." a dark voice said, lurking behind the two triplets. Count Olaf put his hand on Isadora. "It is not fine to escape your room in the night to rescue your brother. Where's hookie?"  
"I'm here, boss!" the man with hooks said, awkwardly stumbling up the stairs. "I was just in the bathroom and-" he stared as Isadora and Quigley. "Hi, kids."  
"This." Olaf said to him, "This is why you can't leave the children unsupervised."  
"I am sorry, boss!"  
"What are you gonna do to us?" Isadora growled.

Olaf sighed. "You children are like rats. Alright, you will stay with your brother up here until tomorrow so you don't escape, but I will have more guards." He glanced at the hook-handed man. "And no more breaks for you. Keep an eye on the kids."  
He then shoved the man with hooks inside and locked the door.  
"You atleast could've given me a key!" Hookie whined.  
"I don't trust you having a key with two midgets who could break out of jail."

Isadora and Quigley had eventually gone to sleep on the hard floor, hoping to come up with a plan in the morning. Olaf thought of picking Duncan up there too, but Duncan had already gone to sleep, so Olaf had just locked the door to their bedroom too. Which was very bad for Duncan, who had come up with an idea that could save them all, but he couldn't share it with his siblings since they were locked in another room. They all had to wait until the evening.

After several long hours, Count Olaf unlocked the door to his secret tower room.  
"It's showtime, my bride."  
"I am _not _your bride." Isadora muttered.  
Olaf dragged her out. Quigley and the hook-handed man was just about to follow them when Olaf pushed Hookie back.  
"You stay here with him, he could run away otherwise." Olaf explained, as if Quigley was a wild toddler or an untrained dog. He then glanced at Isadora. "And if my bride or her other brother misbehave at my big day, then throw the little bastard out the window."  
Both Isadora and Quigley, who neither were as afraid of the hook-handed man, still felt a bit nervousness of him actually suceeding in throwing a thirteen year old out from the tower.

Duncan and Isadora sat behind the curtain. Isadora had just gotten into her child bride dress and some stylist went back and fourth and adjusted her hair. On the other side of them sat Justice Strauss and took nervous breaths.  
"Justice Strauss." Duncan said, "I think you shold know-"  
"Don't interrupt me, Duncan!" Justice Strauss squealed, "I need to be focused!"  
Duncan sighed and turned to Isadora. He then proceeded to whisper.  
"I know how we can stop it!"  
"What? How?"  
"It could be nothing, but it could be anything. You know how you have to sign the document with your own hands?"  
"Yeah?"  
Duncan started to do some weird gestures. "Yeah. Your _own _hands."  
"What?"

Suddenly, the play started, and the triplets were hushed as Count Olaf started to recite a very long and very boring monolouge. But between every scene, Duncan again whispered the same thing to Isadora.  
"Your own hands."  
"Everyone get ready for act three!" someone behind the stage called. Act three was the one where Duncan and Isadora was going to be present in. Duncan got pushed aside by the bald man who informed him to stay still and not to say anything during the entirety of the play. Isadora stood on the other side, next to Count Olaf.

It was time for the big moment. Justice Strauss recited the usual things when you are getting married to someone. Isadora thought long and hard of what Duncan had repeated.  
"Do you take this woman" Justice Strauss said, "To be your lawfully wedded wife?"  
"I do." Count Olaf responded, glaring menacingly.  
"Come on, Isadora." Duncan whispered to himself.  
"Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband?"  
Isadora bit her lip. "I do."  
Justice Strauss took out the document for them to sign it. Olaf signed it with a smug. When it was time for Isadora to sign it, she glanced at Duncan.   
And suddenly it clicked.  
She took the pencil into her left hand and nervously wrote her name.  
"I know pronounce you husband and wife."

Suddenly, Count Olaf stepped forward to the stage. "Everyone, I have a message. There is no need to continue tonights performance, for it's purpose has been fullfilled. I am now legally married to Isadora Quagmire and am in charge of her entire fortune."  
There was a wave of gasps in the audience.

"It can't be!" Justice Strauss yelled.  
"Oh yes." Olaf giggled, "This document right here proves it."  
"That's not real, it's just a stage prop!"  
"I believe you're wrong." Count Olaf shoved the document in the judge's eyes to prove that it was in fact a real document.  
"Oh my." Justice Strauss wailed, "Isadora, I am sorry but he is right... you are now married to Count Olaf. Oh, how could I have been so easily tricked!"  
"You _were _easily tricked!" Count Olaf cheered. "And now, Isadora is my countess."  
"I am not." Isadora said slowly.

"What?"  
"Atleast I don't think so." she continued, "You should write your document in your own hands. I am right-handed, and signed the document with my left hand."  
"You did _what_?" Count Olaf growled. "That doesn't work!"  
"But my left hand is not my own hand, and therefore I am not married to you."

Duncan smiled at his sister. Several actors and people in the audience thought that was resonable too.   
"You are lying!" Count Olaf screamed.  
"I can prove it by writing my name with my right arm and then my left, and you'll see which one matches the name on the document the most!"  
"Justice Strauss is a judge!" someone said, "Maybe she should decide if this is legal or not."  
"That's right!" Justice Strauss said proudly, "I should decide!"

She thought for a while. "Well, since Isadora, who is right-handed, signed the document with her left hand... that was technically not signing in her own hand. Isadora, you are not the wife of Count Olaf and the document is invalid!"  
Everyone in the audience cheered. Isadora and Duncan hugged each other tightly.  
"Well..." Olaf said, "You may not be my wife, but you are still my daughter-"  
"Excuse me!" said a man in the audience. Walking towards the stage was Mr Poe. "Do you honestly think I will let you take care of these children after what I have seen tonight? I will take the triplets and- wait, where is Duncan?"  
"I am right here, Mr Poe."  
"Then where is Quigley?"   
Olaf grabbed a walkie-talkie he had in his pocket. "Throw the brat out the window."  
"No!" Isadora and Duncan screamed.

"What are you all screaming about?" a familiar voice said. Behind them was Quigley, with the hook-handed man behind him. Count Olaf gave both of them an angry glare.  
"What?" Hookie said, "You told me to keep him until after the play, and now it's after the play. Isn't it?"  
Count Olaf just shook his head.  
"You are going to jail for this, Count Olaf!" mr Poe said strictly.  
"And you children will live with me!" Justice Strauss added. The triplets got really happy by that news.  
"Oh no." Mr Poe coughed. "I'm sorry, but the children can not stay with Justice Strauss. They have to come with me, as I am responsible for finding a new guardian for them. As for you, Olaf-"

Suddenly, the entire theatre got pitch black. The triplets could hear Count Olaf's laugh, getting further and further away. When the lights came back on, Count Olaf and all of his acting troop, including the hook-handed man, were nowhere to be seen.  
"Come along, children." Mr Poe said. But Isadora, Duncan and Quigley did not come along. They instead started to run away. From Justice Strauss, from Mr Poe and from everyone.

But before they reached the exit door, they stopped.  
"Fuck it." Isadora said, "It's not worth running away."   
And so, they went back to Mr Poe, Justice Strauss and everyone.   
"Why did you do that, for?" Mr Poe asked, and then proceeded to cough. "That doesn't matter, anyway. You need to come with me."  
Justice Strauss bent down to them, with tears in her eyes. "Well... I guess this is goodbye."  
Quigley sighed. "We will miss you."   
"I'm sorry for everything that happened today." Justice Strauss sniffed, as she hugged them.  
"You should know how much you meant to us." Isadora sobbed.  
"We love you." Duncan wailed.  
"I love you, too." Justice Strauss whispered. And so, the Quagmire triplets followed Mr Poe to his car, sad and confused.

They would soon learn that maybe spontaneously running away from everyone maybe actually was a good idea.


	7. The Quagmires first (and last) day of school ft. a frog

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am going to have flashbacks between every new book, and it's one way or another related to the theme of that book.

"You can't get me!" Quigley said, running around in the Quagmire family's garden.  
"Why are you so fast?" Duncan complained, trying to run as fast as his brother.  
"It's not you who's bad at running, it's me who's good at it!"  
"Can you two quit running around?" Isadora said, "I am trying to read a very interesting story!"  
"Oh really?" Quigley said. He stopped running and sat down beside Isadora on the bench that were in the middle of the garden.

"It's about this girl who is seven, just like us! But she does all these cool things, like climbing the school rooftop to prove she was not scared. And one time, she and her sister had a picnic on the roof... but that was another roof! It was the roof of the house she and her sister lived in. And the girl wanted to see if she could fly, so she borrowed her dads umbrella and jumped of the roof to see if she would fly away!"

"And did she fly?" Quigley asked, as the story Isadora described sounded very interesting, and that's why he let her talk about it so much without him interrupting.  
"No!" Isadora giggled. "She fell to the ground and got a concussion!"  
"Why are you giggling?" Duncan said, "That sounds horrible!"  
"It's funny because she is so crazy! And that is the most famous thing the entire book! I want to be remembered for something crazy too!"  
"Did she die?" Quigley asked.  
"No, of course not! The story is about her! You can't kill the one who the story is about!"

"Hey!" Duncan squeaked, "Look what I found!" He ran up to his siblings and opened his hands. There was a bright green and/or brown frog in his hands.  
"It's pretty!" Isadora cheered.  
"Oh no!" Quigley exlaimed, "What if it's poisonous?"  
"Why would it be poisonous?"  
"Because most pretty frogs are poisonous!"  
"Mom!" Duncan yelled.

Their mother came out in the garden, looking at her three children with a smile.  
"Yes, darling?"  
"Is this frog poisonous?" Duncan asked with puppy eyes. His mother glanced at it. She then patted on his shoulder.  
"No. It's harmless."  
Duncan smiled. "Harmless frog. I will write that down in my notebook."  
"You do that, sweetheart." She was then prepared to walk inside again, when she instead turned around. "Children? Remember that school starts tomorrow. I hope you're preparing to be on your best behaviour."  
"We will!" Quigley said, giving his mother a huge smile, showing the crooked teeth he got from trying to eat a brown rock when he was five, thinking it was a cookie. Luckily it was his baby teeth, which meant he later got normal, straighter teeth that he luckily didn't bite a rock with. His mother smiled back, then going inside to drink tea with the children's father.

"I'm worried about tomorrow." said Mr Quagmire as he drank the bitter tea.  
"They're going to be fine, darling." his wife assured him.  
"I don't know... we decided to homeschool them last year because of a reason."  
"They have matured now..."  
"Duncan had a breakdown during the first day because there were too many noises around. The next week, Isadora climbed up to the roof because she 'just wanted to'. A day after that, Quigley started that cow cult-"  
"They will be more prepared this time!" Mrs Quagmire said. "Second grade. They can do it. Besides, it's a good school. It's not like-"  
"Prufrock." Mr Quagmire shuddered.

His wife hugged him. "I will never even consider putting our darlings in that school. Besides, they are too young to attend there anyway. Also, why would we send our children to boarding in the first place?"  
"But what if... someone comes to this school and tries to..."  
"This is a public school, my love. Maybe if they went to an expensive private school, we could be more concerned. But I don't think anyone would be interested in a public school."  
"I hope so." With that, the Quagmire parents shared a kiss.

The next day, the Quagmire triplets had put on their finest outfits and sat in the backseat of the family's car. Isadora had insisted on wearing a black dress and have braids in her hair to look like Wednesday Addams, and her parents agreed. Anything to make them feel comfortable.   
"You remember to behave now?" their mother said, as she took a turn to the left.   
"Yeah!" the triplets said together.  
"And if anything happens, stick together."   
"Yeah!"  
Their mother stopped the car. "Alright. Your classroom is right over there." She pointed at a window right next to the main entrance. "Can you go inside by yourselves?"  
"Yeah!"  
With that, the three Quagmire children jumped cheerfully out of the car. They waved goodbye to their mother, and then slowly walked towards the school.

"I think we should name him Klaus." Duncan suggested.  
"How do you know it's a boy?" Isadora asked, "I think it's a girl and I want to name her Violet!"  
"Violet is a nice name!" Quigley smiled.

Duncan sighed. He then opened his backpack. "I hope it could breathe."  
He tilted the backpack, and the green-brown frog jumped into his hand.  
"How do you see genders on frogs?"  
"I wonder if anyone else sneaked frogs with them!" Isadora cheered.  
"I'll keep it in my pocket until recess." Duncan said. Then, they walked into the crowded school.

The first hour went pretty great. The teacher called their names, they answered "here!", and everything seemed to be going on smoothly. Then, the teacher was going out to retrieve some pens. That is when all the children started to talk.

"Are you okay?" Quigley asked to Duncan, remembering the last time there were a lot of noisy children.  
Duncan took a deep breath. "Yes."  
"So uh, are you triplets?" someone suddenly asked. The Quagmires looked up.  
"No, we just met." Isadora said.

She thought the asking child would understand her sarcasm. But instead, the child just looked confused.  
"But you have the same last name? Why do you lie?"  
Isadora rolled her eyes. "You're stupid."  
"Don't call me stupid!" the child protested. "That's mean!"  
"I am going to tell when the teacher comes back what you said to my friend!" another child squealed. Isadora started to become a little nervous.  
"Why should you tell the teacher?" Quigley asked. "What has the teacher got to do with anything?"

All the children became quiet as he said that. They looked at him like he had just said the most controversial thing in the world.  
"Wait." a girl said. "He's right."  
"Shut up!" a kid told her, "You're weird for thinking that. And you were already weird because you just invent things and have to put up your hair to think!"  
The Quagmire gave each other a look. They didn't understand why the other children thought the girl was weird, nor why it was relevant to the subject what the girl did in her freetime. Duncan didn't know what to do next, so he panicked. He stood up and dug through his pockets.  
"I have sneaked a frog into the school!"

Everyone gasped. Duncan proudly put his frog up in the air. The children had different reactions.  
"I love frogs!"  
"Are all triplets so strange?"  
"My cousin had a frog once!"  
"You're not supposed to bring frogs to school!"

Just as the last child spoke, the frog hopped from Duncan's hand to the floor. Kids started to scream. The frog jumped around, knocking over multiple cans in the classroom.

"Kill it!" a child screamed.  
"No, it's harmless!" Duncan protested, running after the frog. As he was capturing it, he tripped and one whole box of crayons followed with him. They scattered all around the floor, some of them rolling under tables or under lockers where they couldn't be able to reach. The frog jumped in front of a kid, who tried to capture it, but instead dragged a desk to the ground.

"What on earth is going on here?" the teacher asked, having just come back. All the children started to point to the Quagmire triplets.  
"She called my friend stupid!"  
"He had a frog in the classroom!"  
"He said weird things!"  
"It's their fault!"

The teacher glanced at the triplets. "Is that so? Are you responsible for all of this?"  
"...no.." Quigley squealed. Just as he said that, the frog jumped in front of the teacher.  
"I'll get it!" Duncan said, and quickly captured the frog.  
"Quagmires. I will call your parents immidiately."

Duncan, Quigley and Isadora sat outside the school, waiting for their parents to pick them up. Duncan glanced at the frog.  
"I think it's best if you live out in the wild, buddy." he said, and let the frog out on the grass. The frog chirped and just like that, it was gone.

"Why are you three out here?" said a voice. The triplets looked up. It looked to be another teacher at their school, so they assumed they could tell him.  
"We caused chaos in class and now we are getting picked up by our parents." Quigley explained.  
"I see..." the man said. "Did you just have a frog there?"  
"Yup." Duncan said. "Sneaked it with me. I wanted to impress my classmates."  
"I know a man who loves to study frogs. And lizards. And particulary snakes."  
Isadora's face lit up. "Snakes?"  
"Yes. I actually have one of his books with me. Come on and i'll show you."

The triplets happily followed him. They noticed he went to the backside of the school rather than going inside, but they figured he must've stashed the things somewhere else where only teachers can go. They passed a car, where some strange people sat and glanced at them.   
"Now..." the man said, "I just need to-"

"Duncan, Quigley, Isadora!"  
The triplets were caught by suprise as their mother and father ran up to them, and without a word dragged them away from the man.  
"Mom!" Duncan said, "I'm sorry for causing trouble in school today, but-"  
"We will speak no more about it, sweetie." his mother said in a stressed tone.  
"Dad!" Isadora yelled, "The man there was-"  
Their parents shoved them into the car and drove away before the children even could get their seatbelts on.  
"Children?" their father said, "I think we'll homeschool you for a while again."


	8. Everyone is unharmed in the reptile room

The Quagmire triplets sat in the car of Mr Poe. They were on their way to a new guardian, something they were quite nervous about.   
"I wonder if our new guardian is a serial killer." Quigley joked. He needed to have some humour to cope with what had happened during the last days.   
"Or just a creep that looks like a vampire." Duncan suggested.  
"I'd like a vampire for a guardian!" Isadora said.  
"Don't joke about those things, girls." Mr Poe said.  
"'_Girls'_?" Duncan and Quigley responded together.

"Your new guardian is a kind of researcher." Mr Poe explained, "He- Oh! That smell is awful! It must be from the horseradish factory."  
"Then our new guardian probably poisons people." Quigley concluded. "And he gets his poison from the stinking factory."  
"What should we call our new guardian?" Duncan asked.  
"You should call him Dr. Montgomery. Or if he wants you to call him by his first name, which is Montgomery."  
Isadora snorted. "His name is Montgomery Montgomery?"  
"Yes, and I think he's quite sensitive about that, so don't ridicule him. Ridicule means tease."  
"We know." Duncan frowned.

Poes car pulled into a large garden, where all the bushes were shaped as snakes.  
"Oh boy." Quigley said, "He _definetly _poisions people."

On the front porch stood a man with a twirly moustache. He smiled happily. As the children walked out of the car he almost ran up to them.

"Hello, hello, hello! Welcome, welcome, children!"  
"Hello." Duncan said with a suspicious face.  
The man held out several plates. "I just finished my coconut cream cake! Would you like some?"  
"Yes!" Isadora cheered, with her brothers looking at her like she was an alien.

She took a plate of the cake and happily ate it.  
"Please come in." the man said, and gestured them into his house. Mr Poe coughed outside.  
"I should probably get going." Mr Poe said, "I'm already late to the bank. Children, if you need anything then you can always rely on-"  
"They won't be needing anything from you. They are in my hands now, just like they were supposed to be."  
He then smashed the door in Mr Poe's face.

"Dr Montgomery?" Duncan said nervously.  
"Oh, just called me Monty." Montgomery Montgomery said. "And when you're used to it, Uncle Monty."  
"Uncle Monty." Isadora whispered.  
"I'm sorry if I was rude to him, children." Monty said, gesturing at a coughing Poe in his car outside. "But honestly, he upsets me. He says it was a mistake putting you into the care of Count Olaf, when Mr Poe is the reason you were put there in the first place!"  
"Word." said Quigley.

Uncle Monty gave the children a tour of his house. It was much cleaner and most of all, more nicer that Count Olaf's home. The best thing of all was that all three of the children got their own rooms, instead of sharing one room with one bed like with Count Olaf.

"What do you think?" Monty asked.  
"It's... wonderful." Duncan said, and his siblings nodded.  
Monty smiled. "There is one room left for you to see."  
He lead them to a door that had a lot of gears and buttons on it.  
"For this door you need eight keys, two eye scans and atleast one fingerprint. Or, as I share with my clostest accosiates... by turning this doorknob."

He turned the doorknob, which opened up to a room made entirely of glass. Inside was a lot of cages with lizards, tortoises, frogs and particulary snakes inside.

"Holy shiitake mushrooms." Isadora gasped.   
"You are really into snakes." Quigley commented.  
"Why, of course!" Monty cheered, "I am a herpetologist!"  
"Herpetologist?"

"Yes! I study snakes! In the past decades, I have travelled the world to see the most wonderful reptiles. Me and my assistant Gustav - oh! Right, I forgot about Gustav... he recently resigned. Sad, really, he was my assistant for a very long time. But I have asked for a new one, and he should be coming in the end of the week."

"I would love to travel the world like that." Isadora said dreamingly.  
"Well, guess what? In just ten days, we will travel to Peru! Until then, we'll need some supplies! Like maps, and notes on reptiles, as well as clever names to name new discoveries we find!"  
"That sounds awesome." Quigley said.

"This snake," Monty explained, "is my recent discovery."  
The children gathered around a cage. Inside, there was a large, black snake.  
"I call it... the incredicbly deadly viper."  
The snake suddenly jumped out of the cage and jumped on Isadora.

Quigley flinched. Duncan started to scream.  
"No! Isadora! You're too young to die!"

But Isadora didn't even react. She just closed her eyes, and then opened them again. Monty started to laugh.  
"What are you laughing about?" Duncan pouted.  
"Don't you see?" Monty said and gestured to Isadora. The snake just crawled around her, before kind of hugging her around her waist. Isadora didn't seem to even blink at this, which meant the snake most likely was harmless.

"Duncan." Isadora said stiffly, "If Uncle Monty would've released a dangerous snake on me, he would have several witnesses for his crime."  
"But..." Duncan said, "It's called the incredibly deadly viper."  
"It's a misnomer." Monty explained, "Do you know what that means?"  
"A very wrong name?"  
"Yes. I intend to play a little prank on the herpetological society. For all the ridiculing they have done over the years. 'Hello, Hello, Montgomery Montgomery.' , 'How do you do, how do you do, Montgomery Montgomery.' But in the next meeting, I will let loose the incredibly deadly viper and you know who will be laughing then? Me!"  
The Quagmire triplets giggled on the inside, imagining how that would work out.

"But are there any dangerous snakes here?" Quigley asked.  
"Why, of course! You can't study reptiles without finding some dangerous ones!"  
Monty then bent down. "But if you study them hard enough, you can easily see the dangerous ones from the friendly ones. And when you do, I will guarantee you that you'll not be harmed in the reptile room."


	9. Why Stephano is something you shouldn't name your child

Since the Quagmires had moved in with Montgomery Montgomery in his large house with a reptile room they had loved every second of it. All the triplets chose their own rooms which they were free to redecorate how they wanted in. Quigley had chosen a room a little to the side with a little darker tone to the windows, as a tree was blocking the view outside. It helped him concentrate on his maps and atlas a little more, as he felt like it was more serious and secretive, and also fun, to study maps the darker it was. Isadora had picked the room with the view to the large labyrinth outside of Montys home, because she felt like it would be the perfect place to get inspired in. She had already written half a notebook with poetry about reptiles (most of them she wrote if she woke up in the middle of the night, or sometimes wrote them in her sleep). Duncan didn't really care what room he got, as long as it had enough space to clear out notes on. He often took books about reptiles from the reptile room to take notes on in his room, as he could concentrate more easily when he was alone in a smaller space. Uncle Monty had also bought them new clothes, which was especially liked by Isadora, who no longer had to wear the bright pink dresses Mrs Poe had bought for her.

This day, the triplets as always went down to the reptile room after breakfast to study the animals or look up Peru on the maps. On the door, there was a note from Monty.

_Hello, children!_   
_ I've gone to the market to get some stuff for our trip to Peru tomorrow. Stephano, my new assistant, will arrive today. Please treat him kindly. Tonight, we'll go to the movies!_   
_ Take care,_   
_ Your uncle Monty_

"Well, then." Quigley sighed, not really in the mood for greeting a stranger.  
"Don't worry." Duncan assured, "That Stephano guy will probably don't come for another while."  
"Don't say that!" Isadora groaned, "If you say 'it's not like the thing we don't want to happen is going to happen' it's definetly going to happen."  
"What?"  
"Haven't you read any books ever?" Isadora chuckled.  
"Apparently not?" Duncan said sarcasticly.  
That's when a large knock was heard at the door.  
"Oh, fuck." Quigley muttered.

All three of them walked slowly to the front door. They felt a tense feeling slipping through their bodies, but they didn't understand why. It was like whoever was at the door would make their entire lives turn upside down. Quigley was the one who turned the doorknob. Isadora and Duncan stood behind him, almost shaking.  
In front of them stood a man with a long beard, bald head, round glasses and just the most ugly lab clothes. Even if the triplets never met Stephano, they knew this man was not him.  
  
"Hello. I am Stephano." said the man, who was not Stephano.  
Quigley froze. Isadora stared slowly at him. Duncan had the most panicked eyes you'd ever seen.  
"Will you let me into the house?" said the imposter Stephano.  
Quigey barely blinked. "No, Count Olaf. We won't."  
He then slammed the door in the imposters face. Then, in panic, the three Quagmire triplets dashed away into the reptile room.

When people are panicked, they act differently depending on what person they are. Duncan was one of those, who when panicked, tries to find a soft place to calm down and take deep breaths. The softest place Duncan could find in the reptile room this time was under the table with maps and books on lizards on it. He felt like it was more quiet, and also a good temporary hiding spot. Quigley was instead a person who ran around in the room, trying to find a place to escape, or just to hide for a longer period of time. He currently ran around in circles just to hope he would notice a secret passage or something. Isadora had a tendency when she was panicked of rhyming without realising it to calm herself. Most of the time, it was a poem she quoted, but this time she instead sang nursery rhymes. And when Isadora sang _twinkle, twinkle, little star _with a broken voice, you knew she was really stressed out.

"Did you lock the door?" Quigley asked.  
"Yes!" Duncan squeaked, almost crying.   
"Did you lock the front door?"  
Isadora stopped her singing. She started to stutter. "N-no. We d-d-did not lock th-the front door."  
"Shit..." Quigley whispered. He then proceeded to crawl on the floor, desperately searching for... just _something_. Somewhere he could just slink in and not be visible to anyone. Somewhere-  
"Children! I'm home!"

All three of the Quagmires calmed down. A man they trusted, who were their guardian, had finally arrived home and would kick out the evil imposter from the house. They waited for several minutes, before hearing Monty doing weird noices outside of the door. Like he was pretending to push all the gears, as if pretending the door to the reptile room didn't just open by turning the doorknob.  
  
"Oh, uncle Monty!" Isadora said, relieved over him being home.  
"Children!" Monty said in a weird voice, "I heard you got startled by the man that came earlier. Not to worry, as there is nothing to be afraid of."  
"Did you get rid of him?" Quigley asked.  
"That man was my new assistant Stephano! He has explained to me that he is quite good with scaring children, because of his long beard..."  
"Fake beard." Quigley frowned.  
"...and his bald head..."  
"He shaved his hair off." Isadora groaned.  
"...and his coat that made it look like he belonged in a lab!"  
"He's not an assistant!" Duncan protested, "He is-"  
"Children!" Monty said firmly, "I think you should give Stephano a chance. He is really just a little awkward, just like all of us can be sometimes."  
The triplets wanted to scream at Monty, telling him that it's really Count Olaf in disguise. But before they could open their mouths again, Olaf, or "Stephano" came inside the room.

"Hello again, children." he said in his disguise voice, "I am very sorry for scaring you."  
The triplets just stared at him. The only comfort they had was all the reptiles in the room, who could attack if the triplets commanded them.  
"Uh..." Duncan said nervously, "Thank you."  
Stephano bent forward and started to whisper, only so the triplets could hear. "I have a knife in my pocket, and if anyone of you tries to snitch I am cutting one of your toes off."  
The children looked up at Monty, who seemed to not have heard a thing.

The rest of the day was very tense. The Quagmires tried to tell their uncle about the real identity of Stephano, but they were always cut off before they could finish the sentence. Now, they sat and ate dinner with Olaf, which was very unpleasant for all of the triplets. Olaf had his knife rubbed against Isadora's leg, which made her want to protest and tell him that it would be incredibly inappropriate to do that because of so many reasons, but she kept being silent.  
"Stephano." Monty said, "Me and the children are going to the movies tonight. Do you want to come with us?"  
The triplets glared at him.  
"Oh, no." Olaf said in his Stephano-voice. "I don't really enjoy movies. Perhaps I can stay here and take care of your reptiles?"  
"I don't know if I like leaving my reptiles with a strange man."  
"But I am an expert on reptiles! That's why you hired me, right?"  
Montgomery Montgomery looked at Stephano with a suspicious face. The triplets didn't know what to say. They couldn't imagine having Count Olaf with them to the movies, since they would not be able to enjoy the film. But if Olaf stayed at the house, he could do something even more awful, like burning the house down. Suddenly, Monty stood up.  
"Alright. You can stay here with my reptiles. It can be a good oppertunity for me to see how good of an assistant you are! And you don't need a list, since you are an expert!"  
"Yeah..." Olaf said. "I am... expert..."

As soon as the children got into Monty's jeep, they wanted to tell him everything. But Monty shushed them off.  
"I know." he said, "I know it's not really Stephano."  
"You do?" Duncan asked, suprised.  
"Yes. He is obviously a spy from the herpetological society."  
"Uhm..." Isadora hummed.  
"And now he is walking into his own trap. I have trained the incredibly deadly viper to attack such people, and it will. Stephano, if that's his real name, will get so frightened he will run off."  
Duncan became annoyed. "But he's not-" Quigley put his hand on his brother's mouth.  
"Maybe this is something good." he whispered to him. "Imagine, if Olaf gets frightened by a snake..."  
"... he'll flee?" Isadora finished, even if she was not quite sure of that.  
"Yes." Quigley said.  
Isadora took a deep breath. "Well. Let's just forget about him for tonight. Let's see a movie."


	10. Stephano gets kicked out (or does he?)

Duncan, Quigley and Isadora tried to focus on the film, but were only stressed about what Olaf might've done back at the house. They thought of different scenarios of coming home and seeing how the house had been different. Whether he had burned it down, killed all the reptiles, set up booby traps... the triplets wanted to be prepared for anything.

"Wasn't that movie a fun one?" Monty asked.  
"Well..." Quigley thought, "I didn't really understand the plot."  
Monty laughed. "Well, I think it needs some further explanation."

As they were riding home, the triplets continued to wonder what Olaf had done to the precious house. They tried to sniff if they could smell any smoke, but the only smell was from the terrible horseradish factory.

"Well." Monty said when they were getting out of the car, "Do you think Stephano has been scared by my viper?"

The children didn't respond. Instead, they held hands and slowly walked inside the house.

"Stephano?" Monty called.  
"Yes?"

Count Olaf, dressed as Stephano, came inside the room.

"How was the movies?" he asked.  
"Did you feed my reptiles?" Monty asked, not responding to Stephanos question.  
"Of course!"  
"Alright... let me just go inside and make sure they are sleeping."

The triplets clinged to each other, preparing to defend themselves if Olaf tried something.  
"Well, well, well..." Olaf said, talking in his normal voice. "It looks like your uncle seems to trust me."  
"If you try to harm us he will instantly kick you out!" Duncan protested.  
"Oh, I don't plan to harm you, orphan."  
"We will make sure Monty kicks you out!" Isadora snapped.  
Olaf laughed. "Montgomery Montgomery will never fire me."  
"And why not?"

The children looked relieved. Monty had come back from the reptile room, looking kind of mad.

"Are you sure you fed my reptiles?" he asked.  
"Of course!" Olaf said, taking on his Stephano voice again.  
"Really? Then why is the mamba du mal making gag noises?"  
"Uhm..."  
"Why is all my baby lizards licking the cage?"  
"Because they are lizards?"

Monty looked at him seriously. "Those kinds of lizards are the only ones to have a habit of licking on the nearest thing if they are hungry. I know this, because I discovered them myself."

Olaf started to look nervous. "But..."

"You are clearly not qualified enough to be my assistant. I know who you really are."  
"Oh, you do?"  
"Yes, Stephano, if that is your real name."  
"You don't know my real name-"  
"I don't need to know. I know that you're a spy from the herpetological society."

Olaf gave Monty a confused look. "Uh..."

"Well, you can't fool me!" Monty continued, and started to push Olaf out of the door. "And I will not hear any more of your lies!"

With that, he smashed the door in Olaf's face and locked it.

That evening was tense for the triplets, even if Monty was very pleased. They were happy their uncle had thrown Olaf out of the house, but it felt like it was the wrong decision.

"Monty..." Quigley said, "What if Ola- Stephano sneaks back into the house?"  
"No worries, bambini." Monty said softly. "I leave no windows open and all doors locked."  
"But are you sure-"  
"Yes, you don't have to worry about him anymore. We need a lot of sleep, because tomorrow we will go off to Peru!"

Then, he tucked all the children in their seperate rooms and told them how much he was exited for their trip. All three triplets said goodnight, but they still felt quite worried about the whole situation. But they shrugged it off at last and went to sleep.

"Isadora?"  
"Duncan?"  
"Quigley!"

The triplets ran around their house.

"Why haven't uncle Monty woken us up?" Duncan asked nervously.  
"I don't know." Quigley said, "Maybe he just forgot?"

The three children hurried down the stairs, and soon noticed the door for the reptile room was open. They snuck inside.  
"Monty?" Isadora said slowly. She noticed Monty sitting in the armchair. "Monty-"

She flinched. Her brothers soon understood why. In the armchair lied their precious uncle Monty, dead.

"Well, well, well." a voice said. The triplets turned around and saw the one person they hoped they never had to see again.  
"What have you done to Monty?" Quigley protested, tearing up.  
"Don't blame me." Olaf grinned, "It was probably one of the snakes that bit him. Anyway, we have to go to Peru."  
"We will not go to Peru with you!" Isadora yelled.  
"Oh, but where would you go, then?"  
Isadora was quiet for a while. "...somewhere."  
"We're calling the cops." Duncan said.

But before anyone could react, they heard a car coming up on the driveway. The triplets dashed out of the room as fast as they could, just to not be where Olaf was.

"Quagmires?" said the man who was getting out of the car.  
"Mr Poe!" the triplets exclaimed.  
Mr Poe coughed into his handcerchief. "Dr. Montgomery called me this morning to tell me to bring your passports."  
"Mr Poe, something terrible has happened!" Duncan shrieked.

At the same time, Olaf (still dressed as Stephano) came out.  
"You three brats can't run from-"  
"You're not dr. Montgomery." Mr Poe noted.  
Olaf looked around nervously. "I am his assistant, Stephano... I don't know how to say this..."  
"Uncle Monty is dead." Isadora wailed.  
"What?" Poe said in a kind of offended tone, like Montys death somehow was blamed by him.

"This is a tradgedy." Mr Poe said. "I have called a nurse to examine the body. They should be here any minute now. I really wonder how Montgomery could die."  
"He was murdered." Quigley blurted out. He had been waiting to tell Poe this ever since he arrived.  
"Murdered? By who?"  
"By Count Olaf!" Isadora exclaimed, and pointed at Olaf in his Stephano suit.  
"Now, Isadora, I think you are confused." Mr Poe said, "That's Stephano, Montgomery Montgomerys assistant."  
"No!" Duncan screamed, "It's a disguise! It's Count Olaf."

Poe glanced at Stephano. "He doesn't look like Count Olaf to me."  
The triplets sighed.

Suddenly, Quigley realised something.  
"Eye! He has an eye on his ankle!"  
"Stephano!" Isadora added, "Show us your left ankle!"  
Stephano frowned. "No, I prefer not taking my shoes off."  
"Stephano..." Mr Poe said, "The children seem really upset. Can't you just show your ankle fast to calm them?"

Stephano sighed. "If you insist."  
Then, he slowly pulled down his left sock. He almost did it in slow motion, probably just to piss off the Quagmire triplets. In the end of the sock, he gestured at his ankle, to show. There was no tatoo of an eye on his ankle."

"Well, now that's sorted out." Mr Poe said happily.  
The children just stared at him. "But-"  
"No buts, children." Poe said, "Besides, I think I just heard the doorbell ring. Maybe it's the doctor."


	11. Stephano goes Carrey-style

Hi, i'm Nurse Lucafont."

The Quagmire triplets looked at the strange-looking nurse. Even if they didn't like to assume someones identity, they were sure this nurse was actually the henchperson of intedeterminate gender, who was one of Count Olaf's associates. They followed Stephano into the reptile room without even glancing at the children.

"Should we say anything?" Isadora whispered.  
"And who's gonna believe us?" Quigley asked, "Mr. Poe?"  
"Yeah, that's true."

After a while, Stephano and Nurse Lucafont came back.  
"We have discovered two bite marks at Montgomery Montgomery's neck." Stephano explained.  
"Yes!" Nurse Lucafont said awkwardly, "It's probably one of the snakes."  
"Oh my!" Mr. Poe exclaimed, "Which snake."

Stephano sighed. "I myself know nothing about snakes, I just came here yesterday. But one cage is open..."  
"What cage?"  
"The cage of the incredibly deadly viper."

Duncan grinned, "Well, the incredibly deadly viper is one of the most friendliest snakes in the world!"  
"Quigley." Mr. Poe said, "It's called 'the incredibly deadly viper'."  
"My name is not-"  
"The adults are talking now, Quiglefort. I suggest you three shall go up and wait until we have finished discussing."

The triplets blinked at Mr. Poe. They couldn't believe he was serious.

"My name is not Quiglefort." was everything Quigley could say.  
"Don't argue now." Mr. Poe said, "You boys go up now. We'll take care of anything."

He then shoved the triplets up the stairs. Isadora flipped him off, mostly for calling her a boy, but also because Mr. Poe was a really stupid man and deserved to be flipped off.

"What are we going to do?" Isadora whined, "It could not be the incredibly deadly viper."  
"We have to sneak out." Quigley said, "I saw Olaf packing a suitcase in Monty's jeep before. Maybe in there it's the real murder weapon."

The triplets snuck out into the yard, to get to the jeep.  
"Okay." said Quigley, "Me and Isadora check the suitcase. What are you going to do, Duncan?"  
"I am going to research on snakes." Duncan said confidently. "I don't think anyone is in the reptile room anyway, they are in the kitchen. It feels weird going into the room where Monty died, but we gotta to do what we gotta do."  
"Well said, brother."

Even if no one was in the reptile room, Duncan sneaked inside from the backyard door in case someone saw him walking through. Meanwhile, Quigley and Isadora tried to open the suitcase. Luckily, the jeep was open, but not the suitcase who seemed to be stuck opening half way.

"What does he have in this?" Quigley grunted.  
"Probably some old man's fucking bones." Isadora said. Then she made a confused face, not quite understanding what she had just blurted out.  
"Now!" Quigley exclaimed. He carefully opened the suitcase.

The suitcase contained various very random objects. Quigley brought up a knife, two syringes with needles, some random doll feet, a plastic cup of some sort. And also all of Olaf's clothes, but that was less important.

"What do you think he does with this, Isadora?" Quigley asked.  
"No idea." Isadora responded. Then she noticed something in the grass and exclaimed "Inky!"  
Quigley looked up. "Huh?"

Isadora pointed at a large black snake crawling in the grass. She bit her lip for a second, as if to think, and then stood up.

"Come with me, Ink! I wanna do something!"

She then proceeded to run back to the house, as the snake followed her. All of this happened so quickly that Quigley didn't really process what just occured. He just scratched his head.

"What the hell?"

Then, he ran after his sister.

Just as Isadora and Quigley ran back into the house, Duncan had just made a great discovery. He had studied the samples of snake poisons in a cabinet, and noticed one sample was missing. The sample of the mamba du mal. Just as he was closing the book, he heard a scream.

Isadora Quagmire stood in the entrance with the incredibly deadly viper around her. She wailed and screamed like some bad opera singer. Everyone in the house had ran to her, to see what was wrong. Mr. Poe started to freak out.

"Do something! Grab her! Get the snake! Don't let it bite her! No! It bit her! It bitten her! It bited her! Call an ambulance! Call the police! Call my wife!"

"Shut up!" Isadora screamed. Mr. Poe looked at her confused. Isadora then started to recite poetry to herself, like nothing at all happened.

"What did I tell you?" Duncan said as he run in front of the adults. "The incredibly deadly viper is one of the most friendliest snakes in the world!"  
"Well..." Stephano said, "There could still be other snakes! The mamba du mal bites as it strangles! I know this, because I am an expert on snakes."  
"You just said you knew nothing about snakes." Quigley noted.  
"I was just being modest."  
"You fucking bitch." Isadora sighed, "You weren't being modest. You're lying."

Then, Duncan dragged everyone into the reptile room.   
"Notice how one of the samples is missing. It just happens to be the mamba du mal's."  
"Golly good, you're right!" Mr. Poe exclaimed, "This note here says 'mamba du mal'!"  
Quigley rolled his eyes. "Anyway. Duncan is right. Me and Isadora checked the suitcase and found... this."

He held up two syringes and the plastic cup.

"Siblings and idiots, I bring you the murder weapon."

Stephano glanced at him. "What."

Quigley looked a little nervous. "Well, I am not so much into mechanichs, but I know these two match a snake bite!" He held up the syringes.

"And I have been researching!" Duncan announced, "And when a mamba du mal bites its victim, the victim gets a lot of bruises. Thanks to _that _man over there," Duncan pointed at Stephano, "we have seen our uncles corpse. And he had no bruises whatsoever. He was just pale."

"This doesn't make sense." mr. Poe said, "If it was syringes and not a snake, then who injected the poison to dr. Montgomery?"

The triplets said in unison, "Stephano."  
"Really, it's Count Olaf." Isadora said.  
"He has covered his tatoo in make up." Quigley added.  
"And he wears a fake beard and fake bald head." Duncan said.

"Okay." Stephano said, "We discussed this. I am not Count Olaf."

"Are you sure?" asked mr. Poe, to the suprise of everyone. "Can I see your left ankle."  
"You have already seen my left ankle."

Mr. Poe took out his handkerchief. "Yes. And I want to do it again."

"Are you going to wipe that this on my ankle? You've been coughing germs inside it all day."  
"Germs is the least of your concerns right now."

Mr. Poe forced Stephano to put his left foot up in the air. Then he licked on his handkerchief and started swiping it on Stephanos ankle. The Quagmire triplets looked at the adult men with disgust and confusion. They didn't understand why mr. Poe _now _decided to believe them about Count Olaf. Was he stupid or is he stupid?  
And very well, when Poe wiped the ankle, a tatoo of an eye appeared.

Mr. Poe gasped. "Oh my! It _is _Count Olaf!"  
"No shit." Isadora said.

Stephano looked anxious. He looked at nurse Lucafont. That's when Quigley ripped his beard off, revealing it was only a fake one. Isadora took off his bald wig, showing he actually had hair. Duncan only stared at him.

"We are going to call the police immidiately!" mr. Poe screamed.

That's when Stephano, or Count Olaf, together with nurse Lucanfont, or the henchperson of indeterminate gender, dashed out the room before the eyes of the Quagmires and mr. Poe.

"Did he just do a Carrey?" Isadora asked.  
Quigley got confused. "A what?"  
"You know, it would be more easier if he ran through the maze, but no. He just dashed out of the house. Like Carrey."  
"Who's Carrey?"

Before the triplets could discuss this very interesting discussion further, they got interrupted by mr. Poe who coughed like crazy.

"I just want to get back to the bank!" he groaned, "And now I have to take care of you three."  
"Of fuck." Isadora said, "Do we have to live at your house forever now?"  
"Don't use such language, Quigley."

Isadora looked offended. "Do I really look like Quigley? I am wearing a dress."

"I have luckily already a guardian for you." mr. Poe said, not responding to Isadora.


	12. Three four year olds vs a large lake

"Be careful, sweetie!"

It was in the end of august, and the Quagmire family was on vacation. The triplets were not sure where excactly they were, but it was on a beach similar to Briny Beach in their hometown. Only, to get to this beach you had to sit in a car for a long time and then take a ferry to a place, and then you arrived. This day on the beach was more cloudy and dusty, so they had the entire beach for themselves. It was better than yesterday, when the sun shined and lots of people crowded the beach.

Duncan, Quigley and Isadora ran around the beach, close to their parents, as they were only four years old, and any good parent knows four year olds are one of the ages were a child could get itself into the most trouble if left alone for just seconds. They looked really identical, with the exactly same haircuts and the same amount of freckles on all three of them. Therefore, the Quagmire parents had to put them in shirts with the first letter of their names on, and make sure they didn't decide to switch the shirts to prank people.

"Mom?" Isadora asked, "Can I swim in the lake?"  
"I think it's too cold today, Issy."

Isadora made a sad puppy face to show her dissapointment, which made her mother sigh.

"But you can climb on the rocks around the water." mrs Quagmire said.  
"Yay!" Isadora cheered, and ran off to the slippery rocks. Only that, neither she or her mother knew they were that slippery.

"Where are you going?" asked Duncan, who sat in the sand and counted how many flowers he had seen.  
"To the rocks! Mother said I could!"  
"The rocks!" Quigley yelled, who had heard everything. He had trouble saying 'R' though, so it sounded more like "_the wocks!_". He continued by asking "Can I come too?"  
"Ask mommy!" Isadora yelled happily.  
"Mom!"

"Yes, yes, everyone can go." said mrs Quagmire. She and her husband shared a smile.

The Quagmire triplets happily waddled around the rocks.  
"The rocks sure are slippery." Duncan commented.  
"Yes, the rocks are _rocking really radical_." Isadora giggled.

She said that weird sentence simply to tease Quigley. Maybe he was the oldest, but he couldn't say R like her and Duncan, and therefore, in her four year old's logic, he should be teased for it. And the best way to tease is to bring up random words that starts with R.

"Shut your butthole!" Quigley protested, understanding what she did.  
"You can't shut a butthole?" Duncan said nervously.  
"With glue!" Isadora cheered.  
"And then you can never fawtht again!" Quigley added and started to giggle, almost forgotting he was mad just a second ago.  
Duncan got confused. "What's 'fawth'?"  
"He said 'fart'." Isadora explained, "But he can't talk as good as us because he can't say R!"

Quigley stopped giggling and shoved his sister. That made her almost fall into the water, only for Duncan to fetch her arm and drag her up again.

"Be careful!" he yelled, "We are not supposed to swim today."  
"It was Quigley who pushed me." Isadora pouted.  
"That was just because you teased me!" Quigley yelled.

Suddenly, the wind was getting stronger. The triplets noticed a boat on the lake. They also noticed that the rock they were standing on was pretty far out in the water.

To make it worse, the rock was incredibly slippery and the triplets almost fell into the water. They held their hands tightly. As a cherry on top, this was just the moment mr and mrs Quagmire looked away from their children, as they were busy chasing a bird away from their sandwhiches. And as any parent will tell you, the worst things always happen when you look away for just a second.

In a split second, Duncan, Quigley and Isadora had lost their balance and fallen into the water.

It would be a few years before they could swim properly, so the triplets started to slowly sink further and further below surface. None of them had a clear idea what happened. But as many people who are on their way to drown, they had a lot of calm thoughts.

Quigley thought "Okay. This is how I die. Nice knowing y'all."  
Isadora thought "Wow! I have never been this far under water, cool!"  
Duncan thought "I'm going to get a cold because of this. That means I can cuddle with a blanket on the couch."

But as soon as they believed their demise, something... or someone... dragged them up again.

Before the triplets knew it, they were carried by some strangers who were on the boat they saw before.

"You three younglings should be careful!" one of them said.  
"Can you even swim?" asked the other.

The Quagmire triplets were too shocked to respond to anything.

"Children?" they heard someone yell. The triplets turned around and saw their parents anxiously searching for them on the beach.

"Can you help us get to land?" Quigley said quietly.  
"Mommy will kill us for swimming anyway." Isadora sighed.  
"Will she?" one of the people in the boat asked.

Isadora stared at them. "Mom said I couldn't swim in the lake because it was too cold."  
"But maybe your mother don't have to know."  
"What?"

The people on the boat shared mysterious smiles.

"We are going to a lighthouse, where we will look at some stuff. If you follow us, your mom will have forgotten all about it when you come back."  
"What will you do there?" Duncan asked.  
"Some voluntary work. Do you want to volunteer to help us?"

Duncan, who was a responsible little boy, wanted to tell his parents where they were so they could pick them up later.

"Mom? Dad?" he yelled, "We're going with these people to a lighthouse!"

Mr and mrs Quagmire looked up. Instead of saying "ok, have fun" like Duncan thought they would, they instead looked really petrified.

"No." their mother said quietly.  
"Oh no, no no no." their father squeaked. Both of them then threw themselves into the water, as one of the persons on the boat started the engine.  
"Did we tell you kids this was a motor boat?"

The boat rushed away at a high speed. The triplets just giggled, not sure what was happening. But there was one thing they forgot to do that you always should do when riding a motor boat: Sit down.  
Soon enough, the Quagmire triplets stumbled around.  
"Hold still, children." one of the people on the boat groaned.  
"I'm tryin-"

Isadora was about to finish the sentence, when she fell overboard.  
Only this time, instead of sinking, she started to immidiately paddle in the water to keep herself above surface.  
"Wait, come back!" she screamed.  
"Isa!" Quigley yelled back. "Look, Duncan! Isadora's trying to swim!"  
"I wanna try to swim too!" Duncan said, and then jumped off the boat.

"What the fuck?" said the person managing the motor engine.

Duncan almost sank again, but he managed to hold onto a stick or something (or so he thought). He got dragged up again and noticed it was his father.   
"Oh, Duncan..." his father sighed. "Oh, my sweet Duncan, you're ok."  
"I wanted to swim like Isadora."

Duncan glanced at Isadora who still splashed her arms up and down, but their mother coming closer to take her. He then glanced at the motor boat.

"Hey..." said Quigley to the people on the boat, "my siblings jumped off."  
"We don't have time to pick them up now, kid."  
"But they can't swim that well-"  
"Yeah? That's their problem. Shut up now, please."

Quigey started to slowly tear up, as he was still young enough to easily switch moods in a second.  
"You ah being mean!"  
They started to slowly laugh at him. "Can't you say 'r'? You say 'are', not 'ah'."

Quigley got red in the face. He glanced at his parents, who seemed to swim towards him with Duncan and Isadora on their backs. He wanted to swim like them. So, he turned towards the mean people in the boat.  
"Fuck you." he said slowly.

Then he jumped off the boat.

Quigley barely even got under the surface this time. Last time, he had gotten suprised and didn't have time to think, but this time he was prepared. He swam... mostly like a little dog, but still.

"Quigley!" his mother screamed, as she got closer and closer to him.  
"Mom!" he yelled back.  
"Quigley!" his father cheered, as they swam towards each other.

Both his parents took one hand each to hold in each of Quigley's hands. Then, without saying a word they swam back, with Isadora and Duncan still on their backs.

Back on the beach, the whole family lied down in the sand. Then Isadora started to cry.  
"Mommy!" she sobbed, her voice cracking. "I didn't mean t-t-to swim. W-We just suh-suh-slipped, and-"

Her mother hugged her. "It's okay, sweetie. I know."

"I could almost swim." Duncan said, "But I forgot to hold myself above water."

"No worries, Duncan." his father whispered, and kissed him on the forehead.

"Those people on the boat..." Quigley said, "they-"  
"You don't have to care about them anymore." mrs Quagmire said and stroked his head.  
"We should go back to the hotel." mr Quagmire suggested, "Before we get a cold. And we can cozy up."

The Quagmire parents took their three little sapphires in their hands and started to walk away from the beach.

"Mom?" Duncan asked.  
"Yes, sweetie?"  
"What's a 'volunteer'?"


	13. No one listens to Quigley

The Quagmires sat on a ferry to the place where they new guardian lived. They were all alone, as mr. Poe had to work, and believed them to take care of their own.

"Do we even know where in this place she lives?" Quigley asked.  
"Aunt Josephine." Isadora said, "It just sounds familiar."  
"Yeah, but where does she live-"  
"This whole place seems familiar." Duncan said.  
"But where does she-"  
"Yeah, Duncan." Isadora nodded, "You're right. What was it called again?"  
"Duncan, Isadora, where in this town does our aunt-"  
"Lake lachrymose. The town has the same name as the lake."

Quigley jumped up and down. "WHERE. IN. LAKE. LACHRYMOSE. DOES. OUR. AUNT. LIVE."  
"You don't have to shout, Quiglefort." Isadora pouted.  
"Also, we don't know." Duncan said.

The ferry stopped, and the triplets slowly stepped off.

"So is aunt Josephine gonna pick us up?" Isadora asked, "Or what?"  
"Did someone say Josephine?" said someone. The triplets turned around and saw a man in a taxi.  
"Depends on which Josephine you ask for." Duncan noted.  
"Josephine Anwhistle. I know her personally. She said three children was coming to her today. You can hop into my taxi and i'll drive you there!"

The Quagmires shrugged. They didn't know if this was the right Josephine, but they didn't bother waiting if she didn't pick them up herself. So, they hopped into the man's taxi, hoping he wasn't planning on kidnapping them.  
While riding the taxi, they looked out the window, as they were passing stores, people walking around and even a beach near the ferry stop.

"You know" Quigley said, "I recogonize that beach very much."  
"Me too." Isadora answered, "Have we been there before?"  
"I get this uncomfortable feeling of the beach." Duncan admitted, "Like something we should forget had happened there."

Quigley bit his lip. "Well, whatever did happen if something happen, we _have _forgotten it."

"We're here!" said the taxi driver.  
"Thanks for the ride." Duncan responded politely, "But we don't have-"  
"No worries! I give you this ride for free! Anything for Josephine Anwhistle."

They said goodbye and walked nervously to the front door of the house. It seemed to be built on a very unstable ground, but they figured it must hold if someone could live in it. They were just about to ring the doorbell when...

"No, no! Don't ring the bell, you could get electrocuted!"

In front of the children stood a lady, who looked very distressed.

"Well, come on in! I've checked the floor a million times to make sure it doesn't have any stitches."  
"Okay..." Isadora said.  
"Do you live with our aunt Josephine?" Quigley asked slowly. He noticed Isadora's eyes glowing as he said that, as if he had just solved her greatest problem in life.  
"I am your aunt Josephine." Josephine chuckled and then proceeded to scream at herself in the mirror.

"Same." Isadora whispered, which made Duncan giggle slightly.

"Oh my." Josephine said, "You really look identical."  
"Yeah?" Quigley said, "We are triplets."

Josephine shuddered. "I know, children, but... well, I have a history with triplets..."  
"How many triplets have you met?" Quigley asked, "Triplets are not excactly that common."  
"Oh, but it's more common that you think, Isadora."  
"My name is Quigley-"  
"I have met more triplets in my life than siblings whose not. I am- I mean, I _was _apart of an organisation where a great deal of the members- _workers_ were triplets, children of triplets or later were parents to triplets."

"Okay." Isadora said, "Either that's just happen by chance or you were part of some cult where everyone were really distantly related, and therefore triplets ran in different peoples families."  
"Not every organisation is a cult, Isadora." Duncan said.  
"Oh yeah? Then why were we expected to wear ugly vests in daycare whenever we went outside?"  
"It was because the teachers could keep an eye on us!" Quigley shouted, "That was no cult, that's just how daycares work! Also, a daycare is not a fucking organisation."   
"Wait, weren't we homeschooled?" Duncan asked.  
"This was daycare, Dunc." Isadora explained, "We went to daycare when we were toddlers."   
"Then how do you even remember that?"  
"I remember a lot of things from my early childhood! Like the time we broke that spoiled girl's teddy. Or the time I played doctor with a girl and we took it to the next level and-"

"Godness gracious!" Josephine gasped, "You three really talk much."  
"Tell me about it." Quigley groaned.  
"Well, then I guess I have to help you on the way."

Josephine slowly led them to a large room, where there was a wide window out to the lake. It also contained multiple bookshelves, which made the Quagmires smile. They slowly walked towards the window and looked over lake lachrymose. It almost felt like they were hovering over it.

"I can only watch from afar." Josephine admitted, "Even since Ike, my husband, died."  
"How did he die?" Isadora asked, almost sounding too exited. Quigley gave her a glare.

Josephine sighed. "We had a picnic one day on the beach. I told Ike to wait an hour before swimming in the water... but he only waited forty-five minutes, and..."

She stopped talking and started to sob.

"I'm sorry!" she wailed, "It is not grammaticly correct to end a sentence with 'and'. But his death just makes me upset."

The triplets didn't really know what to say, but Josephine quickly stopped crying.

"That reminds me, this is why I brought you here."  
She took down a few books.  
"Grammar!"  
"Grammar." Duncan repeated.  
"Yes. I figured, if you three talked as much as you do, grammar might help you talk even better!"

"Thanks, aunt Josephine." Quigley said, "But-"  
"But I am a poet, Duncan is a journalist and Quigley is a cartographer." Isadora said, interrupting her brother again, "We already got all the grammar we need."  
"In writing, maybe." Josephine said, "But grammar is something you need in your speech aswell."

Later, it was time to eat dinner. Aunt Josephine had fixed lime soup, which usually could taste very good if you eat it, since lime soup is not a common soup. But Josephine's lime soup was incredibly cold. Isadora, who had a very sharp tounge, had to point it out.

"Cold soup." she said.   
"Ah, yes." Josephine responded, "I have the soup cold because I am afraid to turn on the stove."  
"What?" Duncan said and gave Josephine a strange look.

Josephine shook her head. "Anyways. I have some gifts for you children."  
"I like gifts." Isadora said.  
"Yes." Josephine giggled. She then started to dig through a bag. "For Isadora, a lovely doll. She comes with multiple dresses."  
"Thanks." Isadora muttered. She had never been interested in dolls. But this doll looked to be made of porcelain, and it looked a little creepy, so she might use it for something good.  
"For Duncan, I have a bag of marbles. They were quite popular in the old days, since children literally had nothing else to play with for a while. But you can't play with them a lot, in case a marble bounces and hit your eyes."  
"Gee, thanks." Duncan said, wondering how in the world she thought he would like marbles.  
"Last but not least, a deck of cards for Quigley. I've heard boys like you like to play with cards."  
"Thank you." Quigley said. He wanted to ask her what she meant by "boys like you", but he figured she wouldn't answer.

"So." Isadora said, "I know we shouldn't complain, but..."  
"Yeah." Duncan added. "I want to complain too."


	14. The Quagmires have various conversations

Even if the triplets didn't like their new gifts, they found a way to use them.

Quigley spend his time practising building towers of the cards he got, and he got really good at it. But he couldn't find much else to do than that.

Isadora barely touched her doll. She was more interested in writing her poetry, which was easy to do since she got much inspiration from the gray and kinda depressing atmosphere. She considered ripping the dolls head off, like Wednesday Addams, but decided to instead leave it around in random places just to scare people. Aunt Josephine was her favourite target, who always got suprised whenever she saw the doll lying around in places dolls should not lie around on. Josephine almost believed the doll was haunted at times.

Duncan couldn't do much with his marbles, as Josephine had told him he couldn't play with them in case he got hurt, or made someone else get hurt. So he basicly sat in a corner and rolled the marbles back and fourth, or buildt little pyramids of them.

This day, the triplets sat in the room with the wide window and read some grammar books (just because there wasn't any other books to read). That is when aunt Josephine stumbled inside the room.

"Children!" she said hesitantly. "I have to tell you something."  
"If this is about me leaving my doll in the bathroom sink," Isadora said, "Then I will teach her to not peek on people who's using the toilet."

Josephine blinked and shook her head. "I was going to the market before and I found something very interesting."  
"A recipe for warm soup?" Quigley suggested.  
"A new house that was for sale?" Duncan suggested.  
"No, you know I can't move." Josephine said, "I am afraid of real estate agents."  
"Right..." Isadora whispered.  
"Anyway. I have decided that it's time for me to move on and start to be fierce and formidable again."  
"You used to be fierce and formidable?"  
"Why, yes, Duncan!"  
"My name is Isadora, thank you very much."

"Quagmire children," Josephine said, "I need to leave you alone for some more time. He's taking me out for brunch."  
"Who?" asked Duncan.  
"What's taking so long, Josephine?"

Through the door, a man with a sailor hat, an eyepatch across his left eye and a pegleg on his left leg instead of a normal leg, stumbled slowly towards them. The children reacted very quickly, and before anyone could blink they were on their way to tip the man over.  
But they were stopped by Josephine.

"Children! What's gotten into you!"

Isadora growled at the man. "We seriously only get like one chapt- one or two days in our lives before you come and ruin everything again!"  
"Also, why are you wearing a pegleg?" Quigley asked, "Isn't in super uncomfortable to have your actual leg cramped up-"  
"Children!" Josephine said, "I thought you were polite!"

Duncan grinded his teeth. "That man's Count Olaf."

"How _dare _you even mention that horrible man!" Josephine protested, "Besides, you made an error in grammar. You you have said 'That man _is _Count Olaf, not 'That man's Count Olaf'."  
"I don't care about grammar right now, even if I normally use it in its correct form. I am just to frustrated to care."

"I am Captain Sham." lied the man. "And about my pegleg... well, I once ate pasta puttanesca in my boat when I spilled some... and the lachrymose leeches ate it."  
"How tragic!" Aunt Josephine whined. "Isn't it tragic, children? The same thing happened to my husband Ike!"  
"No?" the triplets said with all the sass that were left in their bodies. Even if this wasn't Count Olaf in another disguise (and it obviously was), they wouldn't think it would be that tragic to loose your leg to murderous leeches because you spilled some food. Just don't eat food in their area? Of course, the triplets thought what happened with Ike was a little more tragic, but they really couldn't care less about him right now.

"We will go out and eat brunch now!" Josephine announced, "Don't do anything I wouldn't do!"  
"Okay!" said Isadora, as Josephine closed the door.

"Oh no, what if Olaf kills her too." Duncan said anxiously.  
"Well, they took the taxi with that nice taxi driver we had on their way here." Quigley explained, "and Olaf can't kill him without killing himself and Josephine, since the taxi driver well, drives. And there would be several witnesses if he killed her at the brunch place."  
"Maybe he justs wants to marry her to kill her afterwards?" Duncan suggested.  
"That's so normative." Isadora muttered, "If the guardian is male, he kills him. If the guardian is female, he seduces her. Why couldn't it be the other way around?"  
"What do you mean?"

Isadora looked down on the floor. "I have... just been thinking of things."  
"What things?" Duncan asked, sounding very curious, like whatever Isadora thought of could enlighten him and help him understand himself more, or something.  
But Isadora just shook her head. "Nothing." she said, "It's nothing."

Quigley smiled at his sister and brother, suspecting what Isadora might've thought of. But he decided it was best to instead change the subject in case it was a touchy subject.

"So." he said, "How do you think Olaf pulled off that pegleg?"  
"I don't know!" Isadora blurted out, suddenly in other thoughts. "It must be _hella _uncomfortable to pack up your leg in your pants to have the pegleg on your knee."  
"I don't think that's how fake peglegs work." Duncan noted.  
"Well, how do they work, theatre kid?"  
"Why are you calling me a theatre kid? Also, I don't know?"

The triplets continued their discussion about peglegs for a while more. They almost forgot that their guardian was on a brunch date with their enemy. It became darker and darker outside, and the triplets decided to cook some dinner for themselves. They knew aunt Josephine had leftovers from the cold macaroni and cheese stew she made the other day, but the mischevious little Quagmires decided to cook some food in the stove.

Quigley watched the stove, Isadora fixed all the ingredients and Duncan made the table look nice and pretty. They weren't sure what kind of dish they made, since Isadora just threw random ingredients into it. But it made it a nice, warm soup that all three of the Quagmire triplets enjoyed.

It was almost bedtime, and Josephine still hadn't returned. The triplets didn't think much of it, because they were so happy with eating warm food. So they just went to their beds and went to sleep.

That's when they heard a large _crash! _from downstairs.


	15. Candy canes for the people

"Aunt Josephine?"

The Quagmire triplets ran downstairs. They opened the door to the library, wondering if their aunt was in there.

Instead, they saw no one inside the room, and a huge crack in the window.

"What the fuck has happened here?" Isadora exclaimed.  
"Look!" Quigley said, "Here's a note."

"_Duncan, Quigley and Isadora._" Quigley read out loud. "_By the time you read this note, my life will be at it's end._"  
"Oh, fuck." Isadora whispered anxiously. "No, no, no, no-"  
"_My heart is as cold as ike and I find life inbearable. I know you children may not understand the sad life of a dowadger, or what might have lead me into this terrible akt, but please know that I am much happier this way. As my last will and testament, I leave you three in the care of Captain Sham, a kind and honorable men. Please think of me kindly even though I'd done this terrible thing._"

Duncan started to cry. "What the... _heck?! _She just commits _suicide_? Have she not thought of what emotional trauma that would give us?"  
"Something is terribly wrong!" Isadora added.  
"Yeah." Quigley said slowly. "Something is terribly wrong... with this letter."  
"How do you mean?" Duncan asked.  
"Well, grammar was aunt Josephines greatest joy in life, and this letter has a lot of mispells."  
"So?" Isadora said, "She was distressed and sad."  
"But-"  
"Wait." Duncan said. "You're right. This is too mispelled to be her in a sad situation."  
"Maybe it's a secret code." Isadora joked.

Her brother looked at her.  
"Isadora." Quigley said, "That's it! You're a genius!"  
"I know that, but how does it fit in into this conversation?"

Quigley couldn't answer her question, when the phone rang. Duncan ran towards it and answered.

"Hello? Yes, it's us. Yes... it's true. We are. What? Uh-huh- what? He did. Mr. Poe, don't trust- No, I am not talking back. Why we didn't call you? Well, we- ok? Yeah? Ok... yeah, i'll tell them. Ok. Bye!"  
"I guess that was Mr. Poe?" Isadora suggested.  
"Yeah." Duncan sighed, "He told us 'Captain Sham' had called him and told him what happened. Now, he wants to meet us at brunch to discuss it. He also said we could always rely on mulctuary money managment."  
"Oh wow." Quigley sighed, "Yeah, because that bank has helped us so much."

Later, the Quagmires took a taxi down to a resturant called "The anxious clown". They all had bad feelings in their bellies, not knowing quite how this would go. They much rather wanted to stay at Josephines house and solve her mysterious letter.

"Baudelaires!" mr. Poe cheered when they arrived.

Duncan looked around confused. "Who's 'Baudelaires'?"

Poe quickly coughed in his handkerchief. "Oh, I apologise. I just been promoted to vice president of orphan affairs, which means I not only take care of you but also other orphans."  
"Poor orphans." Isadora whispered.  
"Anyway, I just took care of a case where there were two siblings... I think their names were Veronica and Klyde... whom I dropped off to a wealthy boarding school. Then I left the case in charge of some lady named E-"  
"Can you get to the point?" Quigley groaned.  
"The point is" mr. Poe sighed, and coughed some more, "I was so into the name Baudelaire that I forgot that _your _last name is Caliban!"  
"But it's Quagmire." Duncan said.  
"Yes, that's what I said. Let's go in and meet this Captain Sham now, shall we?"

The Quagmires slowly walked inside behind mr. Poe. They saw him immidiately. Count Olaf, in his awful sailor disguise as captain Sham.  
"Ahoy!" Captain Sham said.  
"Ahoy to you, too." mr. Poe answered politely.

Then there was a long pause of awkwardness.

Mr. Poe coughed. "I am very sorry to hear about aunt Josephine. The children must be so distressed."  
"Yeah." Captain Sham said sadly. "And me. Josephine was my close friend for many years."  
"What are you talking about?" Quigley protested, "You met her like, yesterday!"  
"I think the children are confused." mr. Poe explained. "It must be from their grief."  
"Can't you see, mr. Poe?" Isadora yelled, "That's Count Olaf!"  
"Stop thinking every odd man in Count Olaf in disguise, my child."  
"Don't 'my child' me, you stupid-"  
"Isadora!" Quigley said, and covered his sisters mouth. "I am sorry, my sister is very shocked by everything that's happened."

Quigley then leaned in to Isadora and whispered "Do you think mr. Poe will believe us? Does he ever believe us?"  
"Okay, you're right." Isadora whispered back. "But we need to get out of here."

"Hello, I am your waiter Larry." said the Quagmires waiter Larry. "What would you like to order?"  
"Well..." Captain Sham said, "We are quite sad, because these children just lost their aunt."  
"I didn't realise this was a sad occasion. May I suggest the cheerup cheeseburgers?"  
"That would fit quite well." Captain Sham said. Then he said "Larry." in a weirdly grumpy voice.  
Larry turned to the children. "Are there any allergies we should be aware of?"

Duncan saw the glance Larry had in his eye. He didn't quite know what it meant, but he had an idea.  
"We are allergic to candy canes."

Mr. Poe coughed. "Well, _good thing there isn't any candy canes in cheeseburgers!_"

A while later, Larry the waiter came back with the cheerup cheeseburgers. He also sneakily gave Duncan a little pocket of three candy canes. Duncan smiled. His siblings started to realise what was going on.

While mr. Poe told some boring tale about the time he bought milk, Duncan passed the candy canes to his siblings. They all slowly started to eat them.

"And then" Mr. Poe said, "I asked what the ingredients of the pink milk were, and- oh... oh, my god, children. You look terrible."

Duncan, Quigley and Isadora all three had started to get allergic reactions. Quigleys eyes started to become very red and runny, Isadoras whole face started to get boiling red dots all around it, and Duncans tounge started to swell.

"I think we should go home." Quigley said.  
"An exellent idea." mr. Poe responded.  
"But wait!" Captain Sham said, "We have to finish all the paperwork! You three will soon be my children!"  
"Fuck, that's right..." Quigley groaned.  
"I suggest we go back to aunt Josephines house and Captain Sham can pick us up later." Isadora suggested. "Does that sound good? Okay! Bye!"

The triplets ran out the door and noticed the taxi driver they had met their first day here, happily letting them in to drive them.  
"We bayth both be bucky" Duncan said, his tounge swelling up more and more, "buth bleh bleh bleh."  
"I cannot understand anything you're saying." Isadora admitted.

They arrived at the house, thanked the taxi driver for the ride and appreciated him for giving them a ride for free.  
"It looks like a storm coming soon." Quigley said.  
"Bleh!" Duncan said.  
"I think I will take a bath." Isadora said, "That helps me get rid of the rashes."  
"I think I will just take a nap." Quigley said. "Duncan, how about you?"  
"Bleh! Bleh!" Duncan blehd and pointed to the library.  
"I guess you want to research the letter?" Quigley suggested.

Duncan nodded. "Bleh."  
"Seems like a good plan." Isadora said and hurried up the stairs to take a bath.


	16. Isadora speaks like a finnish female pirate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This chapter is pretty fast forward, because the author wrote it like 2 am in the night. Which means, it goes from letter decoding to house breaking apart in very few sentences.  
Also, a character speaks in finnish and swedish, if that scares anyone.

"How is your tounge, Duncan?" Quigley asked who just woke up from his nap.  
"Bettuh." Duncan said. "I bhink I have becoded bhe message."  
"Really?" said Isadora, who had just dried her hair from her bath.

Duncan pointed at the letter. "So bi noticed be 'it's'. Bhat was onbly to get our battention. Bi also noticed 'my heart is as cold as ike'..."  
"Yeah." Isadora said, "As cold as _ice _would make a lot more sense."  
"That's why I bade a ring around it."

Quigley and Isadora looked through the letter, where Duncan had made rings around several mispells. Eventually, they had made up two word.

"Curdled Cave"

"So Josephine is in curdled cave?" Isadora asked.  
"I guess so." Duncan shrugged.  
"Then we should-"

Suddenly, the triplets heard a huge crack. A lightning bolt striked down from the sky and the whole house shaked.

"Dear lord!" Quigley exclaimed, "It all just comes so quickly, you barely have time to react to the previous events."  
"Yeah, but curdled cave-" Isadora began. She stopped her sentence to see several books fall out the crack in the window. "What the fuck?"  
"Is it possible the floor is..." Duncan said, "...tilting?"

Another lightning bolt. The house shook more.

"What was that noise?" Quigley asked.

One of Duncans marbles, who he had gotten from aunt Josephine, had fallen down and now rolled into the library in a slow speed.  
Slower and slower, it got closer to the wide window.  
Finally, it touched the wide window.

_Crack!_  
The wooden floor started to break.

"Shiitake mushrooms." Isadora said.

_Crash!  
_The whole room started to slowly fall apart. It was only a matter of time before everything would break, and the triplets started to notice. They slowly backed away.  
_Thump!_  
The sound of the bookshelves smashing to the ground.

"Fuck." said Duncan.

Then the three Quagmire triplets ran out from the room.  
"Shit, shit, _shit..._" Quigley ventilated.

They ran out of the house, one by one.

And just when Duncan had jumped out, the whole house fell to the ground.

"What the hell?" Isadora exclaimed. "What the _fucking hell_?"  
"Well..." Quigley said, "We know atleast where we're going next."

The rain poured as the Quagmires ran down the cliff to get to the ferry in damocles dock. For some reason, none of them got a cold later, even if it was terribly unwise of them to run out in only their indoor clothes.

After running for about 20 minutes, the triplets finally reached damocles dock. They were exhausted, but kept their energy going because they didn't want to be in the rain.

"How often does the ferry go?" Isadora asked.  
"Every 17 minutes." Duncan read out loud. "But only..."  
"Only what?"  
"Only when it's nice weather. They don't go at all now."  
"Fuck." Quigley said. He then shut up because he thought he had sworn too much today.

"I guess we have to steal a sailboat." Isadora shrugged.  
"Yeah I guess we have to- _steal a sailboat?!_" Quigley said, "What?"  
"Yeah, I mean there's three raincoats here. We can steal them too."  
"Isadora, who has influenced you to consider these horrible things?" Duncan asked worringly.  
"Myself." Isadora said and once again shrugged.

The triplets soon realised they didn't have much choice. They took the raincoats, which by the way was in the traditional triplet colors: blue, green and red. If you think about how many fictional triplets you have seen, there is a large number of them that wears blue, green and red (or sometimes pink instead of red). Which triplet took which raincoat is however very unnecessary to the plot and is up to your imagination.

They stumbled themselves in a sailboat and started to slowly sail out on the lake.

"Do you know how to handle a sailboat?" Quigley asked.  
"Nope!" Duncan responded. "Isadora, didn't you read about those female finnish pirates? How did they make the sail?"  
"No clue." Isadora shrugged, "I just looked at the finnish words they had in the corner of the pages. Now I remember some very useful finnish words."  
"Really? What kind of finnish words?"

Isadora took a deep breath. "Haista vittu! Heitä itsesi perä järveen."

"Wow, okay." Duncan frowned, as he wasn't sure it was actual finnish or if she just made it up.  
"Jag ska döda er alla innan natten är slut." Isadora said, of course with a very bad accent.  
"That sentence wasn't finnish though." Quigley said, "That was swedish."  
"Really?" Isadora asked, "How do you know?"  
"I may not know either language, but I can hear a difference in words."  
"Isadora?" Duncan asked curiously, "What did you excactly say?"  
"Well-"

Isadora couldn't respond more, because the sailing boat almost crashed in a big wave.  
"Wooh!" Quigley shrieked. "Be careful, guys! We have to set sail now, or we'll fall overboard!"  
"Perkele!" Isadora shouted.  
"Stop swearing in nordic languages, Isadora!"

The triplets quickly tried to get the sail up, but it always fell down on them everytime. It didn't make it better that the waves were getting higher and stronger.

"We're gonna die!" Duncan cried.

But as you probably know, all storms eventually fade. And this rainy storm eventually stopped, as the Quagmires saw a lavender light.

"Is that the lavender lighthouse?" Quigley asked.  
"I believe so!" Isadora cheered, "Then curdled cave is just over... here!"  
"Wait, how do we stop the boat?"

_Thump!  
_The triplets hit the stones outside the curdled cave. They carefully paddled the boat inside. When they were close enough to walk onto land, they checked if the boat had broke anywhere. Luckily it hadn't, so they kept going.

"Aunt Josephine?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a high chance there's no chapter tomorrow! I'm gonna see IT 2 with some friends!


	17. Everything happens so damn fast

Behind a rock, someone sat and whimpered loudly.

"Aunt Josephine?" Quigley said carefully.  
"AAAH!"

Josephine Anwhistle figuratively flied up from the rock.

"Aaah!" she screamed, "Don't kill me! Aaah! Don't bite me! Aaaaaaah!"  
"You have the rights to shut the fuck up." Isadora yelled back, "And answer some questions."  
"Yeah." Duncan added, "Like why you left us all alone?"  
"Oh, but you cracked the letter!" Josephine said happily, "You're such smart kids!"  
"Why. Did. You. Leave." Quigley said, "Your house have literally been destroyed by a hurricane. We could've died!"  
"He forced me!" Josephine protested, "Count Olaf, he forced me to write that letter to take your fortune! So I faked my own suicide. But I made sure to leave some hints to you, since you mentioned you are 'experts' on grammar..."  
"Well, obviously we are?" Quigley said, and then got worried he might've used the wrong grammar mutliple times this day without realising.

"Anyway." Josephine said, "Let's forget our troubles. Did you bring any food?"  
"No?" Isadora frowned.  
"What? How do you expect to live in this cage with no food?"  
"Because we're not living here! We're bringing you back so you can explain everything to mr. Poe."  
"Mr. Poe? Ugh! I'd rather stay here."  
"Us too, but we gotta go." Duncan said.  
"Besides, curdled cave is for sale." Isadora added, "And you know who's going to look at it then? Real estate agents."

Josephine shivered. "Alright, alright."

The storm had disappeared and the lake was pretty still on their way back to the shore. The triplets still had no idea how to set the sail, so they just had to row their way back. It could have been pretty easy if it weren't for Josephine and her whining.

"Uh oh... UH OH!!"  
"Can you please not do that?" Quigley groaned.  
"But we just entered the territory of the lachrymose leeches!" Josephine shrieked. "Oh, my poor Ike! Help!"  
"But I thought the leeches attacked when you had recently eaten?" Duncan said, "We haven't eaten anything since brunch, and that was several hours ago."

Josephine stared into Duncans soul. "Banana. I ate a banana just before you arrived."  
"What the fuck?" Isadora whispered.  
"Oh, but it's probably alright." Duncan assured, "If we were in the water we should be more scared, but I doubt they attack a sailboat."

Suddenly, a swarm of bubbles swam towards the boat. The Quagmires didn't think much of it until they crashed into the boat with a _thud!_

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!! THEY'RE HERE!!" yelled Josephine.  
"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Isadora yelled back.

The leeches started to slowly chew on the boat, making it sink.

"No!" Josephine whined, "I don't wanna die!"  
"Be gone, lousy leeches!" Quigley yelled and tried to somehow send them away with magic powers.  
"Stamp on them!" Isadora suggested.  
"They're eating the boat!" Duncan cried in despair.  
"Hello there, people I hate!"

The Quagmires and Josephine looked up. Coming towards them was a boat.

"We're saved!" Josephine cheered.

The boat came closer and Josephine immidiately regretted that she cheered. On the boat was none other than Captain Sham.

"There you are, orphans!"  
"We are in the middle of dying here." Isadora groaned.

Captain Sham narrowed his eyes. Then he saw Josephine.

"Wait... you're alive?"  
"Yes!" Josephine cried.  
"We'll discuss that later. Come on children, if you don't get to my boat you'll die."

The triplets started to think. They considered for a moment of actually dying, but then sighed. Slowly, they climbed on Olafs boat. Josephine was behind them, also climbing on the boat.

"Count Olaf, there are some things I really have to tell you!" Josephine said oddly confidently.

Olaf grabbed her. "And I wanted you dead."

Then, he pushed Josephine from the boat. She screamed, as several leeches attacked her.

Back at damocles dock. The Quagmire triplets were traumatised, sad and angry.

"Children!" mr. Poe said who stood on the dock waiting. "Why were you at sea?"  
"It's actually a large lake." Duncan groaned.  
"Mr. Poe!" Isadora wailed, "Count Olaf pushed Josephine-"

She got interrupted by mr. Poes coughing.

"Stop this nonsense with count Olaf!" he said after finishing his cough.  
"Still don't believe us, huh?" Quigley frowned.

Then all the three Quagmire triplets tilted Captain Sham to the ground, removed his sailor hat and eyepats. Then, they pushed on his pegleg, revealing his actual foot peeking, with his awful tatoo on it.

"What do you say now?" Quigley said.  
"Dear god!" Poe exclaimed, "Count Olaf! Where's Captain Sham?"

That is when the Quagmire triplets had enough. They shared looks of agreement. _Lets get out of here. Now!_

Slowly, they sneaked past mr. Poe who was blocking the view from Olaf to see the triplets, and started to run. Across the street was a truck.

"Shall we?" Isadora asked.  
"Yes." Duncan said.  
"Lets go." Quigley whispered.

And in just a few moments, the triplets had ran across the street, sneak across the truck driver and jumped into the back of the truck. They exhaled a sigh of relief.

The truck started to roll away further and further from damocles dock. Then Duncan started to cry. His siblings held him tight, and started to cry too.

"Why does everything happen so damn fast?"


	18. Why Duncan hates treehouses (and trees in general)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another flashback! This isn't as good as my previous flashbacks but this flashback was kind of hinted at back in the bad beginning, so I'll do the follow up.

"Duncan, we're up here!"

Duncan slowly climbed up the badly designed ladder to the treehouse his mother buildt for him and his siblings when they were smaller.

"What's up?" he said when he reached the top.  
"Quigley and I are reading some special books." Isadora giggled.  
"Yes." Quigley added. "Very, very special."

Even if the triplets were a bit into the age of ten, there were a few books their parents never let them read. Quigley and Isadora didn't understand why, since they considered themselves to be mature enough for anything. Duncan on the other hand was not interested in the slightest about these books, and wasn't curious at all. He didn't want to know. Or, of course he _kinda_ wanted to know what those books was about, but he figured if their parents didn't let them read them, then it must be something with adult content. And Duncan knew "adult content" was something forbidden. That's exactly why Quigley and Isadora wanted to read them, too.

"Was this those books you guys read under the blankets last night?" Duncan asked.  
"Yeah, but we switched books with each other." Quigley explained, "Because both of us had so much information to tell the other that we decided to just read the other ones book."

Duncan nodded. "And what might that 'information' be about?"  
"You really want to know?" Isadora smirked, "You might not handle it."  
"Yeah, Duncan." Quigley said teasingly, "You know, your brain isn't as mature as me and Isadoras."

Duncan rolled his eyes. He had heard that exact sentence for all of his childhood. It was only because he was born last. Last born means less mature. It was really a way for Quigley and Isadora to make Duncan do things or listen to things that he really didn't want to do or hear.

The worst thing was that it worked.

"I can handle it!" Duncan groaned, "Just tell me!"  
"Are you really sure, Duncie?" Isadora said in a baby voice.  
"Don't call me Duncie!"  
"Don't call me Ish!"  
"Why would he call you Ish?" Quigley asked, who had completely lost focus in their bickering.  
"I don't know!" Isadora said, "But Duncan, don't call me Ish!"

Duncan sighed, "Can you show me what's in that book or not?"

Isadora smirked again. Then she held up the book for Duncan to see.

"This is an illustration of naked children before they become adults. And the next illustration is them older-"  
"Okay!" Duncan said. He had immidiately regretted he had asked.  
"Told you he couldn't handle it." Quigley giggled.

Duncan sighed. He looked for some books about other stuff that was not about naked people.

"What kind of book is that?" he said, pointing at a book called _The incomplete history of secret organisations._  
"We don't know." Isadora shrugged, "We just read the good books. That one seemed more boring."  
"But you can read it if you want." Quigley said. "It was also one of the books our parents hid away."  
"Who knows, maybe it also has naked cartoon people." Isadora grinned.

Duncan shook his head. "Something is terribly wrong with your mind, Isadora."  
"If you think my mind is weird, then check out what Quigley is reading."  
"Oh no, does his book include pictures of _real _naked people?  
"Nope." Quigley said. "The book Isadora is reading is about puberty. My book is about all the other stuff. It mostly got long texts."

Duncan blinked. "What do you mean?"  
"Well, they for example explain in detail how a woman gets pregnant." Quigley explained, "But that's just basic. There's more... interesting stuff later-"  
"Okay, I am not sure I want to hear more." Duncan said.

Quigley browsed to the beginning of the book. "Our father made has left a post-it note here. It says 'hidden away until it's time for that talk'."  
"Oh, so they were going to bring these things up anyway later on?" Isadora asked.  
"Probably."  
"Well, great!" Isadora exclaimed, "Because now we know everything!"  
"Well, we know nothing about that secret organisation book." Quigley noted.

"I haven't read any of the books here." Duncan said.  
"Well, great!" Quigley exclaimed. "Then me and Isadora can give you a talk!"  
"No, i'd rather wait until our father will talk to us about it."  
"Come on, Duncan!" Isadora said, "We have some information you could really have use for!"  
"No!"

Then Duncan, without thinking, jumped out from the treehouse. He'd rather leave in the fastest way possible than hearing any more about Isadora and Quigley trying to give him the talk.

His plan was to do like he had read cool characters do in some books. He was going to swing from branch to branch.

But instead, he scraped his legs as he landed on the nearest branch. From there, he basicly fell all the way to the ground, hitting his head, arms and legs on various branches on the way falling down. As he hit the ground, there was a huge _crack! _coming from him.

His siblings didn't even react until they heard someone screaming loudly.

"Duncan?" Quigley shouted worringly.

He and Isadora leaned over the treehouse, and instantly gasped. Duncan lied on the ground, crying and screaming, holding his arm. Out from the triplets house came their father, running towards the crying Duncan.

"Duncan!" their father said, "Are you hurt? What happened?"  
"I-I-I-I..." Duncan started, barely speaking because of all the tears. "I feel out... the treeh-h-house... and now i-i-i-it hurts!"  
"There, there, where does it hurt?"  
"Everywhere!"  
"Can I see your arm?"

Duncan slowly took out his arm. It was completely purple, and it looked like the skeleton had broken inside. What made it worse was the fact that several pieces of wood had gotten stuck in the skim. It was in other words a not very pleasant sight.

"Is Duncan gonna die?" Isadora yelled from the treehouse.  
"Children, why are you up in the treehouse?" their father asked strictly.  
"We're reading." Quigley said.  
"They are reading adult books!" Duncan groaned.  
"Tattle-tale." Isadora whispered grumpily.  
"We'll speak more about that later." their father sighed, "Now get down from there.And take the books with you."

Quigley and Isadora slowly took down the books while carefully climbing the ladder down.

Mr Quagmire looked them in the eyes. "I'm gonna drive Duncan to a hospital. We will talk about this later."  
Quigley and Isadora nodded.

Later in the evening, Duncan had come home from the hospital. He had a small, white cast on his arm, aswell as several plasters on his legs.  
"The doctor said it was only a small break." mr. Quagmire said, "And Duncan will just have a cast for a week. However, he advised him and everyone to keep away from the trees nearby, since their wood easily could get stuck on you."  
"Cool, Duncan!" Quigley exclaimed, "How does it feel to have a cast?"  
"I don't know." Duncan shrugged.

The triplets father moved them to the library, where their mother waited for them.

"Alright." their mother said, "How come Duncan jumped out from the treehouse?"  
"He just didn't want to hear us talk." Isaodora frowned. "That's his fault."  
"Maybe." said their father, "But you two should also learn that when someone is uncomfortable with what you're talking about, then you should stop."  
"But!" Quigley protested, "_I _feel uncomfortable whenever you say I should do math! And you don't stop talking anyway!"

Mrs. Quagmire sighed. "Well, can you just say which books you read?"

Quigley and Isadora remained silent.

"We're not going to be mad." their father said.

Quigley took a deep breath. "We read a book about... how people have babies. And one about puberty. And then there was one book about secret organisations or something that we didn't have time to read-"  
"Okay!" their father interrupted. "I get that you're curious, but you don't need to pass that information to someone who doesn't want to hear."  
"Duncan did actually ask." Isadora said.  
"Doesn't matter! He didn't know what you were going to say."  
"Promise me to not steal the books we said you couldn't read another time." mrs. Quagmire said. "We don't want anyone to have a broken arm."  
"Alright." Quigley and Isadora said in unison.

"But dad" Quigley said, "Why did you keep that book about secret organisations hidden? Did it include... adult stuff?"

Mr. and mrs. Quagmire exchanged looks.

"Yes." said the triplets father.


	19. Phil is happy to be your co-worker

The Quagmire triplets had fallen asleep on the truck they had jumped on to escape everyone in lake lachrymose. They had cried themselves to sleep - but they had also hugged each other while slowly closing their eyes.

Suddenly, Quigley woke up. The truck had stopped.

"Fuck." he whispered. He slowly peeked to see if anyone was nearby and saw them. When no one was, he slowly started to wake up his siblings.

"Why did you wake me?" Isadora yawned, "I had a dream where I lived in ancient Greece and met some girl with black hair and a bowtie who wanted to tell me something."  
"Good for you." Quigley whispered, "But we need to get out of here."  
"Why?"  
"Because we're not supposed to be here!"

Isadora rolled her eyes and sighed. But she slowly crawled out of the back of the truck with her brothers.

"What is this place?" Duncan asked.  
"Looks like a mill or something." Quigley said. "Anyway, we gotta get out of here."  
"Where will we go?" Isadora asked.  
"I don't know!"

The triplets slowly sneaked towards the gate to get the heck out of there. They noticed a sign

Trespassers will be put to work!

"Are we considered trespassers?" Duncan asked nervously.  
"Well, we secretly jumped on a truck without the drivers knowlegde." Isadora said.  
"But we are also children." Quigley added. "So it doesn't count."  
"It doesn't?"  
"No! And if they ask, we can just say we are on a school trip."

"Quigley." Isadora said calmly. "First of all, we are not fucking school children. Second of all, who takes a school trip to a mill? Third of all, what kind of irresponsible teacher would just forget three children they are responsible for?"

"Excuse me?"

The triplets turned around and saw a man looking relieved at them.

"Oh, I thought you might be trespassers but now I see you're just children."  
"We are on a school trip!" Isadora blurted out, "Our teacher was an irresponsible shit and left us alone here without saying anything, but we are heading home now bye!"

The man blocked their way.

"No!" he said, "Come with me. I think you should see my partner."  
"Why?" Duncan asked.  
"I think he could help you."

Nervously, the triplets exchanged looks. They slowly nodded, just because they wondered if that Sir person could help them.

Charles lead the way into a small house, through an even smaller corridor and lastly he opened a door. It smelled like smoke, which made the Quagmires cough.

"Charles?" said the man who smoked. "Why are there children coughing in my office? Have you started a new hobby again?"  
"These children got lost!" Charles explained, "I thought we could take them in and give them a lovely home."  
"We just said we were on a school trip." Quigley said, "And now you want to _adopt_ us?"  
"If they came in" the smoking man, "It means they are trespassers and we should put them to work."  
"But Sir, they are children."  
"_Sir_?" Duncan asked.  
"Everyone calls me Sir." said Sir. "Even my partner here. Right, Charles?"  
"Right, Sir."

"Well, we shall go." Quigley said.  
"No." Sir responded. "You will be put to work."

Quigley looked around. "No?"

Suddenly, Isadora elbowed him.

"Ow!"  
"Quigley." Isadora whispered, "Where the fuck are we supposed to go? If we get put to work, we also get food and somewhere to sleep."  
"I agree with Isadora." Duncan said, "And a job means we'll get paid. When we have money we can do things."

"I don't know if it's right putting children to work." Charles said.  
"Children need to learn the value of hard work!" Sir shouted happily.  
"It's okay, Charles." Isadora said, "We accept the offer. We can work here."  
"Wonderful!" Sir said, "Send them of to the dormitory, Charles!"

The dormitory was nothing special. Just a bunch of bunk beds in a long row, and tables in the middle of it. Besides that were workers, who all seemed to be very bitter and sad. All except for one.

"Hello! I am Phil and I am happy to be your co-worker!" said Phil, who was happy to be their co-worker.   
"Hello Phil." said Duncan who looked at Phil who was happy to be their co-worker.  
"I came with some new uniforms and a welcome pack!" Phil cheered. He was still happy to be their co-worker.  
"Thanks..." Quigley sighed. He wasn't sure it was a good idea to stay here. He was also suprised of Duncan wanting to stay, considering Duncan never really were a fan of woods and trees. Or maybe Duncan didn't know this was a lumbermill. Poor thing in that case.

None of the triplets would know what they actually had gotten themselves into until the next day. Right now, they instead ate their dinner in the dorm room, and then prepared to get to bed. Phil wished them goodnight, and was once again happy to be their co-worker. The Quagmire triplets went to the empty bunk beds, and quickly went to sleep.


	20. Duncan gets dust in his eyes

Wake up! Wake up!"

The Quagmire triplets slowly lifted their heads. They had grown up with quiet mornings, and sometimes be woken up by a butler who served them pancakes. Being woken up by someone banging pots together and screaming was therefore not as pleasant.

"I think we have a new foreman." a worker said.  
"I liked the old one better." Phil admitted, "But this one probably has a nice side too. Foremans quit in the middle of the night here almost all the time."  
"Sounds like a nice work place." Isadora said.

They went inside the big mill and Duncan's eyes suddenly shrunk.

"Wait..." he said, "Are we... cutting down trees into wood?"  
"Uh, yeah Duncan." Quigley responded, "That's what you do on a lumbermill."  
"I know, but... isn't it a little dangerous?"  
"Duncan, I can assure you that nobody here will break their arm or leg for that matter due to any wood." Quigley assured him.   
"Don't say that." Isadora said, "We have never worked before. Maybe we'll just end up killing ourselves."  
"Well." Quigley said, "It was you two who wanted to stay here. So lets work."

The Quagmire triplets wasn't sure what they were supposed to do. They just grabbed one debarker each, because all the other workers did it. Then they just started to imitate everything the workers did. If the workers was sawing the trees into smaller pieces, the triplets was sawing the trees into smaller pieces. If the workers scraped off the barks, the triplets scraped off the barks.

And finally, it was lunch time. The triplets hoped it was something good, like sandwhiches or perhaps a nice warm soup. Instead, they were met with something else.

"Gum?"  
"Yeah, gum!" Phil cheered. "I just want to remind you I am happy to be your co-worker."  
"But gum is barely food at all." Quigley said.  
"That's all we eat before dinner." said a grumpy worker.  
"Can't we buy lunch with our wages?" Isadora asked.  
"Oh, no!" Phil said, "We don't get paid in wages. We get paid in coupons."  
"What?"  
"Yep! I got 'buy one banjo get one free'. Of course I can't by a banjo because I don't have any money."  
"Excuse me." Duncan said, "But why don't you leave?"

The workers stood up in a weird assemblance.

"Lucky smells is our life. Lucky smells is our home."

"What the fuck." Isadora said.  
"We will get a bunch of holes in our teeth from this." Duncan said, "My teeth are already rippling."  
"Do we even have toothbrushes?" Isadora asked.  
"No!" Quigley exclaimed. "Our toothbrushes got lost when aunt Josephine's house broke down. We haven't brushed our teeth for more than 40 hours!"  
"It feels like more." Isadora said. "Oh well, who needs toothbrushes?"

I am sorry to inform you I did not know if the Quagmires got to brush their teeth during their stay at Lucky Smells. But that information is just like why some baby characters don't ever need diaper changes or why some female characters never seem to be on their period - it's simply uninteresting to the plot. Even if we still wonder.

In just a couple of days, the Quagmires had grown tired over working in the lumbermill, but they had also gotten used to it. It was their life now, and they just had to accept it. Although, they didn't know how long they would stay. Every day, all three of them tried to look at a map that was hanged up in the dorm room, that showed the area around Lucky Smells. They unfortunately didn't have time to look for it for long until the lights in the dormitory got shut off for the night.

This day, the triplets worked as usual. Since they were shorter and had smaller hands, the workers often used them for sawing or blow away the sawdust from smaller areas.

"Hey guys." Duncan said, "Is the foreman... sleeping?"  
"Why would he sleep?" Isadora frowned.  
"Because it looks like he fucking sleeps?"  
"Then go over there and look if he sleeps."

Duncan sighed and went over to the foremans booth. He looked to be sleeping alright. Duncan didn't understand if the foreman always sat there or if he ever walked home or walked anywhere. Maybe he was an animatronic.

Duncan decided to check, just for fun, if the foreman had electronic arms or legs, or something. The man was asleep anyway so it would be no problem, right?

"What the hell? What are you doing, you stupid kid?"  
"I was just checking-"

Before Duncan could answer, the foreman kicked him on the ground. After that, he blew sawdust in Duncans eyes.

"Ah!" Duncan exclaimed. "Fuck! My eye!"  
"Duncan, what happened?" Quigley yelled, running up to his brother.  
"I think there's something in my eye! I can't get it out!"  
"You can go to the optometrist nearby!" Phil suggested, "I think you got a free coupon as a welcome gift."  
"Or we can just look at it here?" Isadora said.  
"No!" a worker said. "The boy shall go to an optometrist!"

Before Quigley and Isadora could react, Phil had dragged Duncan out to get him to the optometrist.


	21. Inordinate amounts of weird behaviour

"It's been a while since Duncan went away." Isadora said. It was now evening and it _had _been a while since Duncan went away to the optometrist. Like, did they do something more inappropriate there?  
"It's strange." Quigley nodded, "Are they doing something more inappropriate there?"

As Quigley and Isadora waited and I, the writer, wondered how Quigley could read my thoughts, the lights in the dorm room got shut off, making it very dark. But the two triplets waited. They wanted to know what the heck had happened.

Finally, someone opened the door with a creek.

"Duncan!" Isadora whispered loudly, as she didn't want to wake any of the sleeping workers.  
"What happened?" Quigley asked, "Was there anything in your eye?"  
"Duncan, did they take out your eye to later put it back in?" Isadora asked jokingly.

Duncan just stared at her. "No, sir."  
"'Sir'?" Isadora said, looking offended. "I am a female."  
"Yes, sir."  
"Duncan?" Quigley said. "Are you tired?"  
"Yes, sir."  
"Would you like to go to sleep?"  
"Yes, sir."

Then, Duncan went to his bed and closed his eyes. The thing was, he still had his shoes on.

"He's probably messing with us." Isadora suggested, "He has always been a little dramatic, after all."  
"Yeah." Quigley agreed. "Let's just sleep for now."

The next day started as normal. The foreman banged pots together and told everyone to wake up. The only thing that were different was Duncan. Instead of groaning and hoping to eat some pancakes, he just stood up. Without a word, he just stood up and went outside.

"What the fuck?" Isadora frowned. "Is he still messing with us?"  
"I am starting to get a little worried." Quigley said.

They followed their brother into the mill with confused faces. If he was joking with this odd behaviour, he would eventually stop, wouldn't he? It wasn't like him to pretend to act a certain way for longer than 2 minutes.

"It isn't like him to pretend to act a certain way for longer than 2 minutes." Isadora said, which made me, the author, shiver with the thought they might've heard me all along. If that's the case, then hello Quagmires, I hope you forgive me for your suffering! You'll soon going to meet new friends in a school, so just keep on surviving until then!

Duncan was throwing pieces of wood to a saw machine to make some mulch. He didn't seem to even blink.

"Duncan?" Isadora said, "What are you doing?"  
"Making mulch, sir."   
"But... have you ever made mulch before?"  
"No, sir."  
"Then how the _fuck _can you do it?"  
"I know how to make mulch, sir."

Isadora sighed. "Duncan, I don't know what's happening, but my brother wouldn't just opperate machines without atleast staring worringly at it for a few minutes, then test it to see if it didn't kill him atleast ten times. I just want you to know that I miss him. In an inordinate amount."

Suddenly, Duncan stopped. He turned off the machine and looked at Isadora.

"What are we doing?" he asked, "What am I doing here?"  
"You made mulch without knowing how to make mulch." Isadora said.  
"I did?"  
"Yeah." Quigley added, running up to his siblings. "And you were weird. You called us 'sir'."  
"Oh no, did I sleepwalk? I thought I stopped doing that as a toddler."

Isadora giggled. No one had remembered that, but both of their parents had told them that all three of the triplets did things in their sleep when they were toddlers. Most often they had just mumbled things in their sleep, but one time Duncan had started sleepwalking. Their father had told them in detail how Duncan had stood in the hallway and hummed the tune to _Itsy bitsy spider_.  
When the room was dark and you couldn't see a thing, a two year old singing anything in the middle of the night was kind of creepy.

"We don't know what happened." Isadora said, "But we are glad you're back."  
"Yeah." Quigley said. "We should probably head back to our dorm anyway. I think you forgot your shoes."

Duncan looked down and realised he didn't wear any shoes at all.

"Yeah." he chuckled, "That's probably a good idea."


	22. A fatal, optimistic accident

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shorter chapter than I thought, but tomorrow's chapter will be very long!

After the triplets had run back to the dorm to get Duncan's shoes, they hurried back to work before Sir could see them. Though, they secretly hoped Charles would see them, as he was quite nice and they needed to complain.

But on their way back, they were stopped by two women. Or atleast, it looked like two women.  
"Where are you three going?" asked the first woman. Duncan recogonized her. She was the optometrist that had looked at his eyes, Dr. Orwell.  
"We are going to work?" Quigley said.  
"Why, but you are so small!" said the other woman. The children looked up. They could have sworn they seen her before.  
"Uh, yeah?" Duncan said, "We are children."

The other woman who was familiar to the Quagmires bent down. She stared into Duncans eyes.

"My, aren't you a lucky boy."

Suddenly, Duncan stood still, as if what the woman had said was somehow triggering to him. He looked weird. _Hypnotised_.

"Yes, sir." Duncan said.

Quigley and Isadora gasped. They glanced at the woman who had called their brother a lucky boy, and something clicked in them. That woman wasn't a woman at all. It was Count Olaf in disguise.

"I am Shirley." said Count Olaf.  
"You mean 'surely Count Olaf'?" Isadora asked.  
"No." Olaf lied, "My last name is St.Ives. It says so on my name tag, see?"  
"Don't lie to us!" Quigley said.  
"Come on, Shirley." Dr. Orwell said, "These children need to work."

Before the triplets could react, Orwell and Olaf had gone off.

"God dammit, he's here too." Isadroa said.  
"Don't worry, Isadora." Quigley sighed. "We just need to escape. No one would notice us anyway. Duncan, we'll escape from here like, right now, ok?"  
"No." Duncan said in a weird voice. "Lucky smells is our life. Lucky Smells is our home."  
"What the fuck?" Isadora said.

"Lucky boy!" the foreman yelled, "Would you like to make some stamps on the machine?"  
"Yes, sir."

Duncan went to the operating machine and started to slowly make stamps on the wood, without even reading a manual first. Quigley and Isadora just stared at him.

"So it's confirmed." Isadora said. "He's hypnotised. Dr. Bore-well and Cunt-Olaf hypnotised him."  
"Yes." Quigley said. He wanted to scold his sister for using the word 'cunt', but he actually approved on it.

Duncan continued to move the stamp machine. It seemed to go pretty well, although it felt like something could happen at any second. Which it did.

"Work faster!" the foreman yelled.  
"Yes, sir." Duncan mumbled.

He started to move the machine so fast they workers had to put the pile of woods away to get the next pile of them for Duncan to stamp.

"You're doing great, Duncan!" Phil said and gave him a thumbs up. Duncan didn't respond, nor did he look at Phil.   
"Phil!" Quigley said, "Duncan is not himself. We think he is hypnotised."  
"Aw, but look on the bright side!" Phil said happily.

Isadora's eyes widened. "Look on your right side!"

That's when the accident happened. The machine Duncan was opperating knocked Phil to the side. And he landed right on the pile of woods.

Who Duncan just put the heavy stamp on.

"I'm okay!" Phil screamed. "Just help me out of here and I will be back on track to work again!"

Phil's entire leg had been crushed over the heavy stamp machine. That is when both Charles and Sir came running in.

"What's this screaming?" Sir asked strictly, smoking his cigar.  
"Duncan Quagmire broke Phil's legs!" the foreman announced.  
"I'm okay!" Phil exclaimed happily.  
"It was an accident!" Isadora protested.  
"Stop excusing." Sir said, "This will cost me an inordinate amount of money."

Sir then walked away without even listening to anyone.

"Why is everyone glaring at me?" Duncan asked.  
"Duncan!" Quigley and Isadora said.  
"Duncan, you broke Phil's leg." Isadora said.  
"I did?"  
"I'm okay!" Phil said again, as he was lifted away. "I just want to remind you that i'm still happy to be your co-worker!"  
"Also, Count Olaf is dressed as a woman." Quigley said quietly. "He hypnotised you."  
"Of course." Duncan sighed. "Well, alright. Shall we escape then?"


	23. A real fatal accident at Lucky Smells

As everyone of the workers went to sleep, the Quagmires sat up and was planning their escape. They wondered if it was the best time to escape now, or perhaps in the morning when all the workers went to the mill and they would blend into the crowd.

They had eventually fallen asleep, due to exhaustion.

Suddenly, the foreman snuck into the dormitory. He bended over to Duncan.

"Lucky boy... do you want to do some work?"

Duncan stood up. "Yes, sir."

Isadora woke up by hearing a strange noise coming from the mill. She quickly noticed Duncan wasn't there and woke up Quigley.

"Maybe he's just in the bathroom." Quigley groaned.  
"The bathroom is over there." Isadora said and pointed at her left. "No one is in there. The bathroom door is even wide open."  
"Okay, but where the hell is he then?"  
"I think... he's in the mill."

Quigley and Isadora slowly put on their shoes and walked towards the mill. It seemed to someone there alright. They wondered if it just was Sir forcing some poor worker to work some extra, but what they saw was even worse.

Duncan stood in front of a lever, which he pulled forward to make a log go into a saw. But it wasn't just a log. On it was Charles, tied to it. He didn't seem to react at all to what was happening to him.

In the middle of all of this was the foreman, which more and more looked like the bald man, which was a dude in Count Olaf's troop. There was also Count Olaf himself, dressed as Shirley.

"How are you doing, Charles?" Olaf asked.  
"Just peachy!" Charles answered.

"Fuck, they hypnotised Charles." Isadora said. "Not that Charles did anything to help us, but I liked him."  
"Me too." Quigley agreed.

The two tripelts blasted open the door.

"What the fuck have you done?" Quigley exclaimed.  
"Oh look." Olaf said menacingly, "We got lucky boy's little siblings. We got the one who always fails to escape and the tomboyish poet."  
"Glad you're atleast know I like poetry." Isadora said, although she was not so pleased with being called a 'tomboy'.  
"What have you done to Duncan?" Quigley yelled.  
"No need to yell, boy." Olaf said, "Lucky boy here is just going to cause a fatal accident at the lumbermill."  
"Yeah." the foreman grinned, "I don't think Sir will wait to fire-"

Suddenly, Charles started to twitch.

"Huh? Where am I? Help! Help!"

"He's unhypnotised!" Quigley exlaimed. "Duncan, fire! Turn off the machine!"  
"Did you really think we would've used the same word for your brother as we have for all the others?" Count Olaf giggled.

That made Isadora's mind click. _All the others_. She glanced at Quigley, who gave her a nod.

Quigley ran forward to get past the foreman and Olaf, while Isadora ran to the booth. She quickly turned on the michrophone.

"Fire! Fire! Fire!"

"What's this disturbance?" a new voice said.

Through the doors came Dr. Orwell.

"I came here to see how it went and I am glad I did!" she said, "Because it doesn't go well at all!"  
"Well, this idiot here unhypnotised Charles." Olaf groaned, "and now the brats have figured out fire and shouted it out."  
"Yes, I heard." Orwell responded, "We should probably block the door, they should come in storming at any minute."  
"Baldie!" Olaf yelled, "Block the door!"

The foreman ran to put up pieces of wood to block the door.

"Now." Orwell said, "Lucky, would you like to push that log into that saw?"  
"Yes, sir."  
"Lucky, reverse the direction of the saw!" Isadora shouted.  
"Lucky, don't listen to your sister." Olaf said.  
"Lucky, help me!" Charles said.

Duncan looked curiously at Charles.

"Yes, sir."

He stopped the saw and started to untie Charles.

"No, lucky!" Dr. Orwell protested, "You're supposed to kill him!"

Olaf sighed. "These children will cost us an in-"  
"Don't say the word!" Dr. Orwell protested.

Isadora and Quigley suddenly exchanged a look.   
"In..." Quigley said.  
"What words starts with 'in'?"

"Lucky, push the log into that saw!" Olaf ordered.

Duncan stopped untying Charles, who screamed in protest. But he could much easier move now, and started to try untying himself.

"Inside?" Quigley suggested.  
"Invisible?" Isadora suggested.

"People are starting to knock at the door!" the foreman, who was the bald man, said.

Suddenly, it clicked inside Isadora and Quigleys mind. They looked at each other. Then, they ran up to Duncan, but got stopped by Count Olaf and Dr. Orwell.

"Trying to escape, are you?"

"Duncan!" Quigley screamed.  
"Duncan!" Isadora yelled.  
"Your brother isn't here!" Dr. Orwell giggled.

Isadora and Quigley glared at the villians. Then they glared at each other. Slowly, they started to whisper.

"One." Quigley whispered.  
"Two." Isadora whispered.

They went silent for a moment, as they didn't know who was going to say "Three". So instead they counted on their fingers.

They held up one finger. The two fingers. Then three fingers.

"Inordinate!" Quigley and Isadora yelled in unison, in the loudest voices they could.

Duncan stopped the lever. He blinked.

"Where am I?"

"I can't believe it!" Orwell said. "They cracked the code!"  
"They're book-addicts." Count Olaf muttered.

Isadora and Duncan escaped the villians arms and ran to hug their brother.

"Duncan!" Isadora cried.  
"What is it?" asked a confused Duncan. "Isadora, is something wrong?"  
"Duncan, that woman is a man." Quigley said and pointed at Shirley. "It's Count Olaf."

Suddenly, the door broke up. Countless of workers ran inside.

"I want answers!" said one of them.  
"I hate gum!" said another one.

In the heat of the shock, the triplets took their chance. And jumped onto Dr. Orwell.

Of course, it would be much smarter to jump onto Count Olaf, but Dr. Orwell was the one nearest.

Quigley kicked her in the back.  
Isadora literally tried to bite her.  
Duncan was someone who didn't like fighting, but he tried to punch the villianess every now and then.

When all the workers had came closer, the triplets decided to stop torturing her and focus on Count Olaf.

"Workers!" Isadora said, "This man here dressed as Shirley is actually Count Olaf!"  
"I don't know any Count Olaf." a worker said. "But I do know dr. Orwell. And I want answers from her!"

The triplets looked at Orwell. Then they shrugged, and instead tried to find Olaf in the crowd.

"Children!" Charles said, "A little help?"

The Quagmire children stopped their tracks, and went to help Charles untie himself. But they still tried to find Count Olaf, or the foreman.

The workers had cornered Dr. Orwell. She looked to be nervous.

And suddenly, Sir had gone into the building.

"I didn't order any night shift, but I approve."

The workers glared at him. Then they were storming, with as much questions and protests as with Dr. Orwell. This is when Orwell decided to escape. She just straight up ran out, without anyone noticing.

"Don't worry, children!" Charles said, "We will find Olaf and Orwell, and I will make sure to fire that foreman."

They noticed the workers chasing after Sir, out in the night.

"Eh." Charles shrugged. "We'll take care of that later."

The triplets gave Charles a smile. But then they had to run outside to find Olaf.

Only outside, there was nothing but workers chasing after Sir, and some chasing after Dr. Orwell. And at the high fence, they saw a large, blonde wig, high heels and a working hat hanging on it.

Count Olaf and the bald man had escaped.

"Count Olaf as a lady? Hypnotism? You children have a real imagination!"

Mr. Poe walked around the office of Sir. He had heard of the accident, and immidiately went there.

"I have spent days trying to find you. And now the boss is missing. And an optometrist was found dead in the woods."  
"What the fuck." Isadora said.  
"Language. Come along, children. We need to get you going."

The triplets slowly followed Mr. Poe, but found Charles on the way out.

"Hi, children." Charles said. "I am... so sorry for everything that happened. I tried to talk to Mr. Poe to make you get put into my care, but he said no-"  
"It's okay, Charles." Quigley said. "Where are you going?"  
"I'm gonna look for Sir. He wasn't a good person, but we were partners..."  
"Charles." Isadora said slowly. "You deserve someone better than him. There's a lot of people out there that would be so much better for you."

Charles gasped. "Did you- I thought we were discreet, how did you..."  
"It takes one to know one." Isadora said, and smiled. Charles looked at her and smiled back.  
Quigley and Duncan looked at their sister with confused faces. But they also smiled.

And so, they waved goodbye to Charles, and went to Mr. Poes car.

"Isadora..." Duncan said slowly. "What did you mean by 'it takes one to know one'?"  
"One day, Duncan, you will know."  
"What?"

Isadora gave her brother a secret grin. "I have a feeling that soon enough, you will understand."


	24. The Quagmires kill a spoiled girl's teddy bear

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another flashback chapter yall

The Quagmire triplets sat in a playroom. They were not sure where this playroom were, but they often went here whenever their parents said they were going to meet other children. They weren't always that exited about it, because they'd rather play with each other or alone one and one, instead. But sometimes it could be fun. The last time for example, the triplets had played with some really nice children.

Those children were two siblings, a girl and a boy. The girl had buildt a large tower of blocks, which Quigley and Isadora then proceeded to crash as she was finished, making all three of them giggle. The boy hung out with Duncan in a corner, where they would look through a bunch of books. They couldn't read yet, but it was just calming and kind of fun to look at the pictures together and coming up with what they said.

All five of them had also bounced a bunch of balls around the room, and ran around giggling like their life depended on it. It was something with small children and bouncing balls that couldn't be explained. It was just magical.

This day, the Quagmires parents had dressed them in identical overalls. They said it was easier for them to play in overalls, and the triplets felt rather comfortable in them.

"Your playdate is here, kids." their mother said, as she opened the door.  
"Is it the kids from before?" Duncan asked.  
"Who were the kids from before, sweetie?"  
"The giwl and boy." Quigley said, struggling to say 'r'.   
"You mean the girl and boy that was here last time?" their mother said, "Then, no."

The triplets made sad faces.

"I think you like this little girl, though." their mother continued, "She is a little shy, so play nice- Isadora, don't pick your nose. Here she comes."

Through the door, a girl a little shorter than the Quagmires, came inside holding a teddy bear in one hand and a woman's hand in the other. The woman bent down.

"Mommy's gonna work a little with these childrens mommy." she said, "We'll be just in the other room, ok. Can you make it?"  
"Uh-huh." the little girl said.

The girl's mother patted her slowly on the head and started to go out, together with the Quagmire's mother.

"Play nice, children!" mrs. Quagmire said.

The triplets gathered around the girl. She was wearing a big puffy pink dress, which made her look like a doll. She didn't seem to look at the triplets, and instead only looked at the ground.

"What's your name?" Isadora asked. "I am Isadora. I am four."  
"I'm Quigley! I'm fow too!"  
"I'm Duncan! And I don't know how old I am, but mommy says I have the same birthday as Quiggy and Issy."

The girl didn't respond. The triplets have dealt with shy children before, in fact they could also be shy for new people. But they wanted to know her name.

"You don't have to talk." Isadora said. "It's okay to be shy."  
"But can you say youw name?" Quigley asked.

The girl mumbled something very quietly.

"What?"

The girl mumbled again.

Duncan put his hand behind is left ear, because he thought he could hear better then.

"I think her name is Cammy-lita." he said.  
"Cammy-lita?" Quigley said, "Is that you name?"

The girl nodded.

"Well, Cammy-lita." Isadora said, "You can do what you want. There is lots of toys."  
"I want to play with my teddy." 'Cammy-lita' whispered.  
"Alright." Duncan said and gave her a smile.

The triplets figured this was one of those times where everyone should play alone, and they were fine with that. Duncan went over to look at the books in the corner. Quigley drew a big map of an imaginiary world he made up. Isadora was building a castle with some blocks, while humming on some nursery rhymes.

Cammy-Lita sat in a corner and played with her teddy bear. Or actually, she just held it, and stared blankly at the Quagmire triplets. After a while, she started to go around the room.

"What are you reading?" she asked Duncan.  
"Don't know." Duncan admitted. "I can't read."  
"Why are you reading, then? That's stupid."  
"Mommy said you can't say that word!"  
"Your mommy didn't say that to me!"

Cammy-lita then took up the book and threw it away. Then she pouted at Duncan and went over to Quigley.

"Whatcha drawin'?"  
"I am dawing an ima-gi-nation land." Quigley said, struggling to say the longer words (and the letter r, but we have already discussed that).  
"That doesn't look like an imagi-nat-thing-land." Cammy-Lita pointed out.  
"It's my imagi-nation!" Quigley protested.

As a response, Cammy-lita snatched his drawing and ripped it in half.

"No!" Quigley screamed.

But the mean girl didn't listen and instead went over to Isadora, who just had finished her castle of blocks. Cammy-lita didn't even say anything, and just crashed the tower. But to her suprise, Isadora didn't get mad.

"It's okay." Isadora said, and almost giggled. "Blocks are made to fall. Wanna help me build it up again?"  
"No." Cammy-lita muttered. She wanted Isadora to get angry. Why wasn't Isadora getting angry?

And so, she started to throw the blocks on Isadora's head.

"Ow!" Isadora shrieked, "Stop it!"  
"No!" Cammy-lita giggled, while having a very evil face on her.  
"Stop hitting my sistah, Cammy-lita!" Quigley yelled.

Cammy-lita stood up. "My name is not 'Cammy-lita. It's Carmelita. CARR-melita."

"Why didn't you say so?" Duncan asked.  
"We asked if that was your name and you nodded." Isadora added.  
"That's why I was mad at you." Carmelita explained, "Because you called me by the wrong name."

Carmelita was of course not so mad over them calling her the wrong name when she could just have corrected them. Or maybe she was, since people around the age of three and four can get mad for the simplest of things. But the biggest reason she started to kick away their books, rip their drawings apart and throw blocks at them was simply because she was a mean girl.

"It was mean of you to throw the book away." Duncan said.  
"It was mean of you to wip my dawing apath." Quigley added.  
"It was very mean of you to throw blocks at me!" Isadora groaned, "Now my head hurts!"  
"You deserved it." Carmelita said.

That's when Isadora snatched her teddy bear.

"What if we should throw away your teddy bear?" she said.  
"Give it back!"  
"Yeah!" Quigley said, joining Isadora.  
"Give it! Give it!"  
"We can break your teddy bear apart." Duncan said, "as revenge."  
"Give my teddy bear back or you will be _cakesniffers_!"

Isadora just looked souless into Carmelita's eyes. Then she held the teddy bear up to the sky. And with a _rip!_, she had split it into two parts.

Carmelita bursted out in a high pitched screaming.

"What's wrong?" mrs. Quagmire asked, running inside the room. "Why are you screaming?"  
"Carmelita, baby." Carmelita's mother said. "What have they- oh! Oh, no!"

The two mothers glanced at Carmelita, who stood in the middle of the room all red in the face. Then, they glanced at the Quagmire triplets, who stood innocently with the broken teddy bear.

"Your children!" Carmelita's mother said, "They have destroyed my precious daughters teddy bear! Those little brats! I knew it was too good to be true that _your _children were said to be so well-behaved! Well of course, the _Baudelaires _said that about you and your children, I mean their children as just as bratty! But your children are feral, I tell you! They are wild animals!"

"Veruca." mrs Quagmire said, "We don't know the context at all. Maybe the children-"  
"No! I will not hear it! Come on, Carmelita."  
"Mommy, they are cakesniffers."  
"Yes, they are, sweetie."

And with that, Carmelita and her equally horrible mother had gone away.

"Mommy!" Duncan said, "She started it! She-"  
"Don't worry, honey." their mother said, stroking Duncan's hair. "Hopefully, you will never see Carmelita again."

Their mother never said anything about this incident ever again, and the triplets didn't ask. They truly believed this was the last time they would ever encounter this Carmelita.


	25. New school, new chapter

"This boarding school was buildt in the 19th centry." mr. Poe explained as he drove the car to the new school. There was no guardian available at the moment, so the Quagmire triplets had to go to a boarding school until someone wanted them.

The triplets sat in the backseat of the car, looking at the deserted road. Mr. Poe was not such a good driver, and this was a time before seatbelts in the backseat was a thing, so the Quagmires had to hold on tight to not bounce around.

"What was our school's name now again?" Quigley asked.  
"Prufrock preporatory school." Mr. Poe answered. "You can see the school over there."

The children peeked at a large building not far from the road.

"Fun fact." mr. Poe said, "The architect of the school was severely depressed."  
"That sounds promising." Quigley said.

The drove into the schoolyard. Poe parked his car and the triplets could barely walk out before a girl, who looked to be a little younger than them, ran past them.

"Out of my way, cakesniffers!"

The triplets looked like they had flashbacks to a war.

"Cakesniffer seems like a very pleasant word." Mr. Poe said. Then he started to cough, and held out three school uniforms.

"Here's your school uniforms." he said, "Go change and then you'll go to the building over there."   
He pointed at an ugly gray building.  
"There's the vice principal, who will meet you."

"I have a question." Duncan said, "What will we do with the clothes we're wearing right now?"  
"I don't know." Poe said and coughed some more. "Give them away for charity? Burn them? Anyway, I have to go! So long, Baudelaires!"  
"We are still named Quagmire, not Baudelaire." Isadora corrected.  
"Yes, of course. Goodbye!"

As mr. Poe drove off, the Quagmires sighed and went inside the large school to find a bathroom to change their clothes in. Normal people would ask someone for locations if they haven't been at the place before, but the Quagmires were not normal people. They were afraid that if they asked where the bathrooms were, the one they asked would start to give them glares and call them stupid. Or worse, not answer them at all. They haven't really gone to any real school before, only a couple of weeks in first grade and one day in second. So, for all they know, other children would threaten them for even saying "hello". That's how they did when someone was new in school in any book or movie they read about it?

Luckily, a bathroom was just nearby the entrance. Duncan and Quigley went inside the boys room to change, while Isadora wandered alone into the girls room.

"Fuck." Isadora mumbled. She thought she had tied her tie properly. Yet, it always seemed to loosen up again. Just like when she was smaller and her shoelaces always loosened up.   
"Need some help?"

Isadora turned around to see a girl, maybe a year older than her, staring at her.

"Uh." Isadora said. "Yes... I mean, I can do it, but..."

The girl giggled. "Don't worry, the school uniform ties are hard as _fuck_."

Isadora's eyes widened. The girl swore. _She swore! Yes! This is a good sign!_

The girl took out a ribbon from her bag. Isadora glanced at her own bag that came with the school uniform.

"Everyone has the same bag." the girl explained as she tied her hair up with the ribbon. "So you better sign it with your initials or something. Or write something else."

Isadora glanced at the girl's bag, and noticed something was written on the side of it.   
_"Property of V.B! If you touch my bag, I will personally invent something to torture you with as revenge. And if you happen to be C.S, then girl, I will make you sniff on cakes!"_

"Who's 'C.S'?" Isadora asked.  
"It's a mean girl." the girl, who Isadora understood was 'V.B', said.   
"Another question. Why are you tying your hair?"  
"It helps me concentrate." V.B said. "Now, let's help you with that tie."

As V.B started to tie, Isadora felt a warm rush going from her head all down to her feet. It felt really good. She almost wanted to untie her tie just for V.B to tie it for her again.

"There." V.B said. "If you ever need help with anything, come to me. I also have all the supplies. I got some spare ties if you break yours, some apples I stole from a tree further away if you get hungry, pads if you're in that week, notebooks if you suddenly need to write something down... and ribbons, even though I think you don't need that, considering your short hair."  
"Thanks." Isadora responded and started to flip her hair. _Her short hair_.  
"Is it your first day here?"  
"Yeah..."

V.B giggled slightly. "Welcome to hell."

Then she waved to Isadora as she walked out from the bathroom. Isadora took a deep breath, and slowly walked out too.

"What took you so long?" Quigley asked.   
"Yeah." Duncan added, "We have waited for like 10 minutes for you."  
"I had some troubles... with my tie." Isadora said and blushed.  
"So it was nothing else?" Quigley asked, lifting an eyebrow.  
"Nope."  
"Ok..."

The triplets nervously walked to the vice principal. They had never met him before, nor did they know his name, so they just had to try to figure it out. But the Quagmires were fortunate, as there was no one in the administration building besides a horrible sound of a violin playing through the walls. So naturally they followed it, and came to a door that clearly said "Vice Principal Nero". Quigley knocked slowly, and the violin stopped.

"Who _dares _interrupt a genius when he's reharsing!" the man who opened the door yelled.  
"We are the Quagmires." Quigley said. "We were supposed to meet you."  
"_We are the Quagmires, we were to supposed to meet you_" the man repeated in a teasing tone. "Well, don't just stand there you dumb kids."  
"Are you vice principal Nero?" Duncan asked.  
"_Are you vice principal Nero? _Who else would I be, you filthy child! Now, come in and let's get this over with."

The Quagmires slowly walked inside the messy office Nero had.

"My name is Vice Principal Nero." Vice principal Nero groaned, "And taking care of you is my second most important job."  
"What's your most important job, then?" Duncan asked.  
"My career as a violinist! That's why it's an important rule to not come into the administration building without an appointment, as i'm often busy stroking my violin."

When he said the last part, Isadora started to slowly chuckle. Quigley gave her an angry glare and Duncan just became confused. To Isadora's suprise, Nero started to mimic her chuckle, in a much more high pitched and menacing voice.

"Quigley and Duncan." Nero said, reading their names from a paper, "You will be studying with mr. Remora in room 1. Isadora, you will be studying with miss Bass in room 2."  
"Why can't all three of us study together?" Isadora asked.  
"_Why can't all three of us study together? _Because, both teachers need more students! And besides, the boys can study better without any distraction from a girl they know."  
"Excuse me, what?" Quigley said while his siblings furiosly nodded with him.  
"I have heard all about you." Nero said, as if nothing had happened. "I have heard about this Count that follows you everywhere. In this school, you will not blame your trouble on any count."  
"But Count Olaf often follows us." Duncan said.  
"That's why I have created a computer system! It's buildt to recogonize every part of this Count Olaf. One eyebrow, tatoo on his ankle, just plain ugly face-"  
"Mr. Nero." Quigley said, "Count Olaf is often in disguise-"  
"You call me VICE PRINCIPAL NERO. You dumb orphans don't understand perfection- oh, yes! You're orphans! Yes, that was my last point to bring up."

Nero took out some posters and gave them to the triplets.

"Prufrock has marvelous dormetories! Every day, a bowl of fruit will be left outside your room and the halls are a great place to study in!"  
"That sounds pleasant." Isadora said and smiled.  
"Yes, and you will not see much of it."  
"What?"  
"To sleep in your dormitories, you have to get a permission from your guardian. You three don't have a guardian. And don't even _try _telling me mr. Poe could sign them, the previous two orphans said that and I will say no! Mr. Poe can _not _sign your permission slip, because he is not your guardian."  
"Where will we sleep, then?" Duncan asked.  
"In the orphans shack. It's a small shack for those who doesn't have parents. Now, are there any further questions?"

The Quagmires looked at one another. They had a LOT to ask, but they figured there was only one question they could ask.

"What will we do with our old clothes?" Quigley asked.  
"Burn them." Nero said. "Or keep them as spares in case you're expelled, I don't know."  
"Great." the triplets said, and went outside to go to the orphan shack.


	26. Where the shipping starts

The orphans shack was as dismal as it could be. Not only was it incredibly small, but it had stacks of hay instead of beds, fungus dripping from the walls and crabs roaming around.

"Great." Duncan sighed. "Just great."

They had managed to sleep a little in the shack, but woke up several times due to the fungus dripping in their faces or the crabs bite them. Eventually, they just groaned and went up very early to roam the school hallways or something. It could be good to practice knowing the ways to class, and perhaps the school library, so they didn't get completely lost later. Also, the Quagmire triplets were quite gothic at heart, so a dark corridor in the early morning with no life at all present, was something they very much liked. Isadora could already picture a long poem about this wonderful hallway, and Duncan thought of making up an interview with a ghost. Quigley just thought if any place would be a good place to hide if necessary.

After just walking around, they suddenly heard a noise. The door to the kitchen opened and a girl, a little younger than them, kind of tap danced out of it. The Quagmires glanced at her, and realised that she was the one calling them "cakesniffers" yesterday. They don't remember if they've met her before that, but they figured they must've, since her mere presence made them really anxious, which meant they really didn't want her to talk to them.

"Excuse me? What are you cakesniffers doing here at this hour?"

The triplets froze.

"What are _you _doing here?" Isadora said nervously, trying to sound sassy. "_You _are a... cakesniffer...?"  
"Smooth, Isadora." Quigley whispered. Isadora flippped him off.  
"Why are you accusing me of being a cakesniffer?" the girl asked. She sounded weirdly nervous, as if there was something she hid. Quigley picked up on that very fast.  
"You do have some cake crumbles of your cheeks." he said, pointing at her freckles. It was maybe not a very good joke, since Quigley had freckles too, but the girl seemed to gulp, as if her secret had been revealed.

Then, the girl cleared her throat.

"I know who you are." she said.  
"Oh, you do?" Duncan asked. He was trying to sound cool, but he definetly did not sound cool.   
"You are those new orphans. Your parents died in a fire and now some old dude is following you."  
"Yes." Isadora said. She didn't know what else to say. It was true?  
"Well, do you know who I am?" the girl asked.

The triplets started to think. They _knew _they had seen her somewhere. They just didn't know where.

"Oh please." the girl said, "Everyone who's not a cakesniffer knows i'm Carmelita Spats."

The Quagmires looked paralyzed. _Carmelita Spats! The teddy bear girl! Oh no! Let's hope she doesn't remember that. _

"So that means you don't know your name." Isadora said. "You are a cakesniffer yourself."

Carmelita stomped on the ground and growled like some mad cat.

"See you in class, cakesniffers." she muttered. But before she went away completely, she turned around.   
"I will make your life a living hell. I'm not forgetting what you did with my teddy bear."

The classes was just as pointless as they felt. Mr. Remora just walked around the class and ate bananas, and told stories about himself. To Duncan and Quigley's suprise, everyone seemed to take notes on it. Was this how schools were? It didn't make it better that Carmelita was in the same class, and threw papers on their backs for the majority of the lesson.

Miss Bass was worse. She had the most awkard stare Isadora had seen, and spent the lesson mesuring various objects. Isadora first thought miss Bass would do some obscure sex education class, considering all the fruits, markers and soda bottles she had, but no. They were just going to measure it.

Finally, it was time for lunch.

"I have never learned so little since uncle Elwyn tried to explain how pigs are so fat." Duncan groaned.  
"Yeah, why didn't we ever go to live at Elwyn's farm after our parents death?" Isadora asked. "He's still alive, isn't he?"  
"No one knows." Quigley sighed.

The three young Quagmires took a plate each, and glanced at the disgusting food. They knew they weren't going to like it, but it wasn't like there was any other alternatives. They should've just be happy they got free food. Better than nothing.

"Oh, Quagmires!" Carmelita called from the other side of the cafeteria. "There's some seats at my table. But I am sorry to say it's a cakesniffer free zone."

Then Carmelita started to chant, together with some other students who for whatever stupid reason hung out with her.  
"Cakesniffing orphans in the orphans shack! Cakesniffing orphans in the orphans shack!"

"Leave them alone, Carmelita!" said a girl. "You're the cakesniffer, and no one in the right mind would want to eat with you anyway!"

Isadora glanced at the girl and realised it was the same girl who helped her with her tie yesterday.

"Come on." the girl said, "You can come and sit with us."

The triplets followed her to a table where there was a boy with glasses waited.

"You have to excuse Carmelita." the girl said. "She is really the one cakesniffing, and wants to deny it."  
"We figured." Quigley said as they sat down.

"I am Violet, by the way." the girl said. "Violet Baudelaire."  
"I'm her brother." the boy with the glasses said. "Klaus. Klaus Baudelaire."  
"Violet is a very nice name." Quigley said.  
"Klaus is also a very, very nice name." Duncan added.

Violet giggled. "So, what's your names?"

"Quigley Quagmire."  
"Duncan Quagmire."

Everyone stared at Isadora. She didn't respond. She just stared in front of her.

"Okay." Violet said. "Anyway."  
"It must be hard sleeping in the orphans shack." Klaus said. "We were living there until yesterday."  
"You're orphans too?" Duncan said.  
"We..." Violet said, "...lost our parents in a fire... and our little sister, Sunny."  
"She was so small." Klaus sniffed. "She had all of her life ahead of her."  
"I'm sorry to hear that." Quigley said. He and Duncan was of course sad to hear of their sister, but they couldn't help but feel like Sunny not really was dead.   
"We're sorry for getting so sad." Klaus said, "We heard you lost your parents in a fire aswell. That must've been hard."  
"It was." Quigley sighed, "But atleast we have each other."

"Cakesniffing orphans gotta stick together, I see." Carmelita yelled, tap-dancing up to them. "Violet, I can you already gotten _two _boyfriends!"  
"We're not her boyfriends!" Duncan protested.  
"Oh." Caremlita said in a somewhat suggestive voice, "So are you like Klaus, then? A little flamer?"

Duncan looked at her confused. "I do _not _start fires, if that is what you mean."  
"No, Duncan." Klaus said, "A flamer is-"  
"And why isn't miss teddy bear ripper talking?" Carmelita interrupted. "Why is she just staring?"  
"Why are you calling her a teddy bear ripper?" Violet asked.

Carmelita bent over to Isadora.

"Hello. Speak to me, cakesniffer! Hello!"  
"Leave us alone, Carmelita." Violet sighed.  
"Why can't you suddenly speak, you darn tomboy?"

That is when Isadora threw her food in Carmelita's face.

"Argh!" Carmelita screamed. "I will get you for this, you... c-cakesniffer."  
Carmelita then proceeded to walk away with angry steps.

"Wow, sister." Duncan said, "That was... wow."  
"I would rather eat a bowl of vampire bats than spend an hour with Carmelita Spats." Isadora said.  
"She speaks!" Violet cheered, "And she speaks in poetry!"  
"In a couplet, to be precise." Klaus added.

Isadora blushed. "Sorry. I'm Isadora. I... I like poetry."  
"Poetry!" Violet said exitedly, "You're a poet! Like Sappho!"  
"Yeah." Isadora giggled. "Like Sappho."  
"Can you just answer why you were quiet for so long?" Quigley chuckled.  
"Uh... I just got... distracted."  
"Distracted by what?" Duncan asked._  
_"S-something..."

"Anyway." Quigley said, changing the subject. "How did you handle the crabs and the fungus in the shack?"  
"I invented a neat little lamp!" Violet said proudly, "Which scared away the crabs. Unfortunately it broke down a couple of days ago, but the crabs had been scared long enough to not return. The fungus we unfortunately couldn't do much about."  
"I tried to reserch about the fungus and the crabs." Klaus said, "But I couldn't find anything."  
"I could maybe help you research." Duncan said, "I'm an aspiring journalist. I gotta have some facts to write down."

Klaus smiled. "We can research together!"  
"I'd like that." Duncan said.  
"Oooh..." Violet said teasingly and patted Klaus on the shoulder. Duncan and Quigley just looked confused, while Isadora had a gleeful smile.

Violet looked at the clock on the wall in the cafeteria.

"Oh, I think our next class will start soon. Mr. Remora does have such _inspiring _speeches." Violet chuckled.  
"Aw, you have Mr. Remora?" Isadora said sadly. "I have miss Bass."  
"I have miss Bass too!" Klaus said, "Great, someone to talk to in class!"  
"Yeah..." Isadora said.

"Klaus..." Duncan said, "What _did _flamer mean?"

Klaus made an awkward smile and whispered to Duncan what it meant.

"Oh..." Duncan said. "Okay..."  
"Yeah." Klaus said. "Sorry, she's so annoying. Even if she's not... wrong."  
"Uh." Duncan squealed. "Right."


	27. Very lovely indeed with a twist

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fluff chapter before the storm next chapter

Prufrock Preporatory school became much easier when you had friends by your side. The Quagmires often warned the Baudelaires how chaotic of humans they could be, so the Baudelaire could prepare.

"That's okay!" Violet said, "I love chaos! Ever since once in the second grade, where a bunch of kids, who I believe were triplets too actually, let out a frog in the classroom, I have realised my love for the chaotic."

The triplets had stared her deep in the eyes.

"What happened to those triplets later?" Quigley asked.  
"They got pulled out of school to get homeschooling." Violet explained. "My parents did the same for me a little while later."

Duncan took a deep breath. "Violet. We think we may have been those triplets."  
"Wait, you're kidding!"  
"Did one of the triplets have pigtails?" Isadora asked.  
"Yes! And a dress that resembled Wednesday Addams." Violet cheered.  
"Yeah, then it was definetly us." Isadora chuckled.  
"That is freaky." Klaus said, "You have met each other before this."  
"I wonder if we have met you, too." Duncan said, "I bet you were as smart and clever as a child as you are now."

Violet smirked. "Yes, Klaus. Shall I tell them about the time you wanted to do a cartwheel to a tree, because you thought you'd spin up in it and fly into the sky?"  
"And I crashed right into the tree, yes, Violet, I know."  
"I once fell down from a tree." Duncan admitted, "was going to jump onto branches like some cool boy, but instead I slipped and broke my arm."  
"Yeah, why did you even jump down in the first place?" Quigley asked.  
"I didn't want to hear about you and Isadora's talk about puberty, or something like that."  
"And thanks to that you will be unprepared." Isadora said teasingly. Then she continued to write in her notebook.

"What are you writing?" Violet asked, peering over Isadora's shoulder.

Isadora blushed. "It's not ready yet. Also, it's private."  
"Come on!" Quigley said, "Can't you recite it for us?"  
"No..." Isadora said.  
"Come on!" Duncan cheered.  
"No."  
"I would like to hear it." Klaus said.  
"I don't know..."  
"I always love your poets!" Violet exclaimed, "Read it! We will not laugh, because we never will!"

Isadora smiled and looked at Violet. "Alright."

Everyone cheered as Isadora started to read out loud.

"Lilac flowers under the sun  
their ribbons hanging with pride  
and the flowers resembled a nun  
when they sat there side by side"

"Great!" Quigley appluaded.  
"I don't know." Isadora said, "It needs polishing."  
"I think it was pretty clear what it was about." Violet said.

Isadora looked at her nervously. "You do?"

"Yeah! It was about those flowers on the way here? Those _do _resemble a nun if you look at all of them from above."  
"Uh, yeah." Isadora said. "Exactly."

That afternoon, the children sat in their respective classrooms and were too bored to listen to the teachers.

"Remember we're going to have a pop quiz tomorrow!" Miss Bass informed her bored class, "It's important you answer in both feet and meters!"  
"I hate math." Isadora whispered. "I wish I was in mr. Remora's class with Violet. And my brothers."

Klaus smirked. "Yeah. Everything would be better if all of us were together. Luckily, we can meet after class. I think it's good to not see each other _all the time _so we don't get tired of each other."  
"Are you getting tired of me, Klaus?"  
"I could never get tired of the sassy Sappho." Klaus said and smiled. "Neither of her brother. Uh, brothers."

Isadora giggled. "We are hopeless, aren't we?"  
"Not as hopeless as Duncan." Klaus said with a teasing smile, "That poor boy doesn't know what he's feeling."  
"Yeah, I told you he refused to read those books about puberty, hormones and everything."  
"Well, he really missed out on reading that under the blankets with a flashlight, scared your parents will find you."  
"Yeah, really."

"Remember the details about my story!" Mr Remora announced, "Especially if the stained jeans was blood or strawberry jam."

The class started to slowly go up to leave the classroom.

"Wait!" Remora said, "Someone needs to clean up the classroom today, because I can't. I have to buy more bananas."  
"The orphans can do it!" Carmelita suggested, before running out of the classroom.  
"Uh, sure." Remora said, "But I only need two."  
"Violet and I can do it." Quigley said, not caring about Carmelita calling them orphans. "Duncan, you can go find Isadora and Klaus, and study or something while we clean up."  
"Okay... Violet, are you okay with that?" Duncan asked.  
"Sure." Violet nodded. Quigley smiled gleefully at her.

Violet and Quigley cleaned the classroom as thoroughly as they could. Violet was putting the pencils in size orders and cleaned all the benches who needed cleaning. Quigley was stapling mr. Remora's bananas on a shelf and was sweeping the floor.

After half an hour or so, the room looked to be very clean.

"Wow, I really hate cleaning." Quigley chuckled.  
"I think it's fine." Violet said, "I like when the cleaning is done and everything looks so clean."  
"I guess so." Quigley shrugged.

Quigley sat down next to Violet on a table in the back. Violet took out the ribbon she had in her head and looked out the window.

"I never noticed how lovely the view is if you look out the window."

Quigley glanced at the window, and saw how the sun was about to go down.

"Very lovely, indeed." he said. But he didn't look at the window anymore, and instead looked at Violet.  
"Oh." Violet said, and blushed.  
"Sorry if that came out of nowhere." Quigley smiled, "But I do think you are a very lovely view."  
"T-Thanks..."

"Is something wrong?" Quigley asked.  
"Nothing is wrong, it's just..." Violet started to play with her hair before continuing. "I have never been in this situation, where... there's two people who..."  
"Wait, two people? Who's the other boy? Is it Duncan, I knew he liked you!"  
"What? No! And Duncan definetly does not-"  
"Or do you mean two, as me and you?"

Violet giggled slightly at his accidental rhyme. "No. Quigley, you didn't let me finish."

Quigley sighed and looked at Violet with an interested gaze.

"You know that poem Isadora recited today?" Violet asked.  
"Yeah, the one with the nuns and the flowers?"  
"Yes. Well... I have realised it may be about me. First of all, lilac flowers. It's obviously a reference to the flowers who also conviently grows on a field near the school."  
"But your name is Violet, not Lilac?"  
"The lilac flowers is _called _violets."  
"I know what violets are-"  
"I mean, it said they had ribbons! I don't think those flowers have ribbons, but you know who was ribbons? Me! And yes, all the flowers together may look like a face of a nun. It could either be just that, or perhaps she means she feels like a nun."  
"Who feels like a nun? A flower? Isadora?"  
"Quigley Quagmire, you are so naive."

"I don't get it." Quigley said, "What are you trying to say?"  
"Isadora." Violet sighed, "Her poem is about me. Haven't you seen how she looks at me? How she tosses her hair every time I compliment her? How she starts to shake her legs everytime she sees me as if she will jump up and attack me with a hug?"  
"Are you saying my sister is..."  
"It's very, very obvious your siblings are."  
"Wait, both of them?"

Violet dragged her hand across her face and then blinked sternly. "Yes. Duncan and Klaus are practically unseperable. Poor Duncan, he seems to not understand his feelings. Isadora seemed to be the only one."  
"How do you know they are..." Quigley said slowly. "Like, did they tell you?"  
"It takes one to know one, Quigley."

Quigley gasped. "Isadora said the same thing to Charles! Charles was by the way a man who owned the lumbermill we were working on. Wait- So I just flirted with- Violet, are you..." he took a brief pause. "Are you... gay?"  
Violet shook her head. "No."  
"Then what do you mean by 'it takes one to know one'?"

Violet took a deep breath. "Have you ever heard about the term 'bisexual'?"  
"Yeah, of course." Quigley said proudly. "I know... words."  
"Well, I am just that. Bisexual."  
"So you can know if my siblings are gay by knowing them for a few days, but I can't?"  
"I'm sure you can tell aswell." Violet assured him, "You're just very, very oblivious."  
"But Klaus? Is he-"  
"He's a little flamer." Violet giggled, "Okay, I will not use that word. Carmelita ruined it. But yeah, he's gay and hopelessly tries to get Duncan to understand that he's flirting."  
"Wow." Quigley said. "But Violet, if I am correct, bisexual means that you like both girls and boys?"  
"Yes."  
"So do you like me or Isadora?"

Violet was silent for a long moment. "I... I don't know. You're so sweet with your gleeful smiles, the funny jokes you whisper in class, how you always make me feel happy and calm whenever you're talking."  
"Aww." Quigley said, and tried to straighten his back to look more cool or something.  
"But there's also Isadora." Violet said. "She writes poetry about me, she always gets to giggly in my prescense, which I find adorable... ever since I met her in the bathroom and helped her with her tie, I felt a connection to her. There's just something about her, you know? I don't think she wants to show it, but I definetly notice it."

Quigley just stared at Violet. "So... you like us both."  
"Yes. That's what I meant with 'i've never been in a situation like this'."  
"So, what will you do? Will you choose one of us?"

Violet shrugged. "We will just have to wait and see. The heart wants what the heart wants. And my heart apparently wants more than one. I could never explain how it decided to do that to me."  
"It's probably all the teenage hormones." Quigley said and both of them bursted out laughing.

"I like you, Quagmire." Violet said. Then she kissed him lightly on the forehead. "We will just have to wait and see how this ends, wouldn't we?"

Quigley smiled. Both of them walked out of the classroom with secret smiles on their faces. Everything, and everyone, just had to wait and see what would happen next.


	28. Olaf ruins everything

"It sucks there's no weekends at Prufrock." Isadora groaned. The gang was sitting in the cafeteria and played with their food.  
"Yeah, we were pretty bummed about it when we got here." Violet said, "But hey, they actually serve some dessert on weekends."

Duncan lit up. "They do?"  
"Yeah." Klaus said and giggled over how cute Duncan were when he looked exited. Klaus then pointed at a table nearby.  
"Is that brownies?" Duncan said hopefully.  
"Yep." Violet said, "And each student get a free soda."  
"Who would want to drink soda with brownies?" Quigley asked. "Like, yeah I get thirsty by eating brownies but i'd rather drink water than soda."  
"You don't have to drink the soda right now." Klaus explained, "Most students save them until later."  
"Are the brownies drugged?" Isadora asked, looking very exited.  
"Not that we know of." Violet said, "But if they were, I think they'd notice it by now."

Isadora looked sad. "Aww, I wanted to eat drugged brownies. Just for the experience. Just so I have a story to tell when i'm older about my fucked up boarding school who gave free brownies with drugs inside."  
"We all just want something chaotic to happen so we can have an interesting life." Violet said. "But hey, both of us has lost our parents in a fire. That's something to talk about."  
"I guess." Quigley said, smiling. It wasn't a good thing that their parents had died, but it was nicer to have someone who had a similar experience.

They all grabbed a brownie and a soda each and went back to eat.  
"Sunny would've loved the brownies here." Klaus sighed, "She always loved to bake them."  
"She really liked cooking in general." Violet said, "Oh, how I miss the little biter."  
"I always wanted a little sister." Isadora admitted, "I mean, I had plenty of dolls but those didn't scream when I threw them off the roof or started to cry when I told them that they weren't allowed to sleep with the other dolls because they were being naughty and shall be punished."  
"I wish I had that kind of intense imagination." Violet said. "But yeah, it was great with a little sister."  
"I had looked forward to showing her all my favorite books." Klaus said. "And letting her be forced to be a test subject of Violet's inventions instead of me."

Violet chuckled. "Are you still scarred from my baby brother dropper?"  
"Wait, what?" Duncan said.  
"I made an invention to pick up 4-year old Klaus and drop him off wherever he wanted." Violet explained.  
"And I said I wanted to be dropped downstairs." Klaus added, "And so this _sadistic woman _dropped me from the second floor down to the first!"  
"Be glad it wasn't third floor." Violet chuckled. "You were unharmed."  
"Because I landed on a couch! But what if that couch wasn't there, huh?"  
"Just shut up and eat your brownie like a good boy."

The Baudemires (or Quagelaires, depending on your preference) continued on their day at Prufrock. Klaus was trying to get Duncan's attention by writing "Klaus was here" with hearts after it in Duncan's notebook. Duncan blushed to this, but still didn't understand Klaus was flirting, because Duncan was so oblivious to what Klaus was feeling and what he himself was feeling. But he was on his way to figure it out.  
Isadora was much more sure of her feelings, and doodled a lot of ribbons and violets in her notebook. She did however not know that Violet knew, or that Quigley had learned it either. She felt a little jealous of how close Violet and Quigley were getting. Quigley on the other hand felt a little jealous of how close Violet and Isadora were getting. Violet just wanted to let her heart move her, but the heart seemed to not make up its mind which one of these two wonderful people should be the one she should choose.

"Hello, cakesniffing orphans." Carmelita said, passing by.  
"Hello, actual cakesniffer." Isadora answered, "Did the strawberry shortcake smell good?"

Carmelita rolled her eyes. "Vice principal Nero wants to see all of you."  
"Why would vice principal Nero want to see all of us?" Klaus asked.  
"He says it's something regarding all the orphans." Carmelita shrugged, and did another eyeroll.  
"But aren't there other orphans in this school?" Duncan asked, "I mean... it seems that way, atleast."  
"I don't fucking know." Carmelita said, "But those orphans are probably less cakesniffing than you. Now, you better get going or else Nero will get mad."

"Do you think Nero's seriously wants to see us or is Carmelita just messing with us?" Isadora asked.  
"Well, we'll just have to go there anyway." Quigley sighed.  
"What if we walk in on him stroking his violin?" Isadora grinned.

Violet let out a huge laughter when she said that. Quigley chuckled slightly aswell, even though he didn't quite understand the whole joke. Duncan and Klaus just stared at the laughing girls and the slightly chuckling boy, not understanding anything at all.

"There you are!" Nero said, peeking from his door through the hallway. "You're late!"  
"You didn't give a specific time we were supposed to be here." Quigley noted.  
"Yeah, yeah, shut up." Nero groaned, "There's someone who wants to meet you."

The five children walked into his office to meet this new person who wanted to meet them for whatever reasons. All of them secretly hoped it was someone who would take them away, hopefully all five of them together.

Instead, the second they came inside, the Quagmires immediately blocked away the Baudelaires. Violet and Klaus misunderstood what they did and started to giggle.

Then, Nero started to mimic their giggle in a mean tone and told them to be quiet.

"This, dumb orphans, is Coach Genghis. He's our new gym teacher."

The Quagmire triplets looked at the man next to Nero. He was wearing a turban on his head and a very dirty gym costume. Isadora concluded he probably had killed the previous gym teacher and took their clothes. Because this was no coach genghis. It was Count Olaf.

"I am coach Genghis." Olaf said, "And I have a special education program exclusive for orphans."  
"No." Duncan said, "You're Count Olaf."  
"Nonsense!" Nero yelled, "I have checked coach Genghis in the smart computer. He did not look like Count Olaf."  
"That's because he's in disguise!" Quigley protested. "If he just removed his turban you'll see he has one eyebrow. If he removed his shoes you'd see a tatoo-"  
"I will not remove my turban that I wear for religious reasons!" Olaf said. "And I will not take off my shoes. That's just gross!"  
"I would never make you remove your turban." Nero said, "These children don't know what they are talking about!"

The Quagmires had mixed faces of anger and fright. The Baudelaires just looked very concerned at their friends.

"Tell the orphans about your program, now." Nero said, "I don't have all the time."  
"You don't?" Olaf asked, oddly suggestively.  
"Well... you know I have to practie my violin... but take your time."

The five children shared confused looks.   
"Have they... done something?" Violet whispered.  
"Ew, I hope not." Isadora whispered back.

"Stop whispering!" Nero demanded. "Now, Genghis, tell them."

Count Olaf started to stretch randomly. "This is a special program just for you orphans. I call it S.O.R.E. Special orphan running exercises."  
"I would not like to run, thank you." Violet said.

Olaf frowned. "Who are you?"  
"I'm-"  
"No!" Isadora said and covered Violet's mouth.

"Eh." Olaf shrugged, "I only need three of you. You three triplets in the front will do."  
"We'd rather not." Quigley said.  
"_We'd rather not._" Nero mimicked.  
"You shall!" Olaf said, "You three, at sundown. Don't be late."


	29. Why many children was afraid of P.E after reading the Austere Academy

The Quagmires were on their way to the schoolyard to meet their demise. The Baudelaires stood right behind them.

"Be careful now." Klaus said. "We will make sure to be near, so if he tries anything we will react fast."  
"Thanks." Quigley said. "You guys are the best."  
"I'm very anxious." Duncan admitted.

Klaus suddenly grabbed Duncan fastly. He gazed into his eyes, and said:  
"Duncan. If that man is as evil as you say, and he tries to do anything. And I mean, _anything_... I will run up to him and rip his turban off."  
"No, Klaus, you will not." Violet said. "I will do that, you'll call the cops."  
"Oh yeah. Anyway, Duncan. I want you protect you at all costs. Do you understand what i'm saying?"

Duncan blushed. "Yeah... thanks... it's nice to have such a nice friend as you."  
"Dear lord, Duncan!" Isadora groaned, "I wanted to give you space and time, but-"

Violet put a hand on Isadoras mouth, "Isadora, he needs to realise in his own path. Just like you and me. He will get it soon, I promise."

Isadoras eyes lit up. _Did Violet know? How did Violet know? Oh lord, is Violet- yes! She knew it! She has a chance after all_.

The Quagmires slowly waved to their friends and ran to meet the evil man with a turban.

"You're late!"  
"Again." Quigley said, "No one said a specific time."

Olaf groaned. He held up a bucket of paint.   
"I want you to paint a big glowing circle on the ground."

Quigley shook his head. "What?"  
"I. Want. You. To. Paint. A. Big. Glowing. Circle. On. The. Ground."  
"Ok?" Isadora shrugged. "That's it?"

When they got no answer, they just took the paint and started to slowly paint a large circle around the schoolyard.

"Now." Olaf said, "I want you to run around the circle in laps."  
"How many laps?" Duncan asked.  
"Until I say you can stop."

The triplets ran laps after laps. They soon got very tired, because they were not children who liked to run very much. But, they had to run. Run. And run a little more. They had no choice.

Hours went by, and the Quagmires were sweaty and had probably lost all their breath. Duncan was on his way of faithing, Isadora was pretty sure she had developed asthma during the run and Quigley just felt scared of stop running, in case this was Olafs plan. Maybe he wanted them to be exhausted so he more easily could kidnap them away.

But, as the sun started to go up, Olaf said they could go. The Quagmires panted and barely spoke. They just hurried back to the orphan shack, because they really, really needed sleep.

Unfortunately, the triplets didn't sleep that long, because they were suddenly woken up by the bell, telling them it was time for school. And when you have not slept enough, it's hard to listen to what boring teachers are telling you in class.

Mr. Remora told a long story about the time he ate green apples, and then red apples, and then a yellow and red apple. But Quigley and Duncan didn't take notes or even listened. Instead, they had fallen asleep on their benches and no one woke them up. Not even Violet, because she was far too busy giggling at how cute the two Quagmire brothers looked when they were dozed off.

Miss Bass was proceeding to measure a toilet she somehow got to the school. But Isadora wasn't caring, as she was sleeping on her notebook and probably dreamt of something more pleasant than toilets. Klaus tried to wake her up, because he missed his only friend he could talk to in class.

"You look just as tired as me when I studied for my bat mitzvah." Violet commented. They were sitting in the cafeteria and tried to eat the overcooked pasta and sauce.   
"I wish I had a bat mitzvah." Isadora sighed, "We were supposed to have one, but it was hard with triplets and yeah, we just didn't."  
"Violet's bat mitzvah was awesome." Klaus said.  
"I bet it was." Quigley said.

Violet suddenly looked up. "What if... we have a little mitzvah for you three? Like, in the library or something?"  
"I don't know if that counts." Duncan sighed.  
"Well." Violet said and stood up. "We atleast can lift you up in chairs!"

Then she and Klaus proceeded to lift up Isadora's chair. Duncan and Quigley helped them lift it, and all four started to jump around in a dance.  
"Mazel tov!" Klaus cheered.

Isadora giggled, not caring how everyone in the room looked at them weirdly.

"Alright, now for the boys!" Violet announced.

Duncan smiled gleefully, as Violet, Klaus, Quigley and Isadora were on their way to lift his chair.

"What the fuck are you cakesniffing orphans doing?" Carmelita yelled, tap tancing towards them.  
"We're having fun." Isadora said. "Now, scram. It's Duncans turn to get the chair lift."  
"Oh, but I just had a message for the Quagmires. You need to go to the schoolyard in sundown to have exercise with coach Genghis."  
"Fuck, no." Quigley said, "not again."  
"You gotta." Carmelita said, "Or else Nero will whip your asses."

The Quagmires were not fond of the idea of vice principal Nero "whipping their asses", even if they knew Carmelita hopefully was overexaggerating, since spanking students was illegal. Atleast, they hoped so. But it was probably best to go to the schoolyard this evening again.

"You're late." Olaf said once again.  
"No." Isadora grunted, "We're fucking not."  
"No need to use such bad language, brat."

Quigley sighed. "What will we do today?"  
"You will run a lot of laps for several hours, while I watch you. And if you escape, I will immidiately send one of my henchfolk who will hunt you down and punish you."

"I don't get it." Isadora said, panting. "We really get into shape, and run faster."  
"Yeah, I have no idea what he wants with this." Quigley admitted.

Once again, they ran for several hours and got to bed very late in the night, which made them very tired to have classes the next day.

And the next day, Carmelita came to the Quagmires again to tell them to meet coach Genghis. And coach Genghis once again forced them to run laps.

Night after night, the Quagmire triplets had to run laps for hours and hours, which made them days after days get too tired to concentrate in school. That quickly was shown on their reports.

"I have never gotten an F in my entire life." Duncan groaned.  
"It's count Olaf's fault." Isadora said.  
"Maybe that's his plan?" Violet suggested, "To make you exhausted so you fail classes."

"Hello, cakesniffers!" Carmelita greeted.  
"Piss of, cakesniffer." Isadora growled.  
"But I have a special message to the Quagmires."  
"NO, you don't!" Quigley screamed, "We will NOT hear about coach Genghis seeing us. We will not hear, and then we'll say you never told us!"  
"But coach Genghis doens't want to see you." Carmelita frowned.

Isadora suddenly looked more awake. "Wait, what?"  
"But Nero does!" Carmelita cheered. "He's really mad at you today. He wants to see you right away."  
"Well, shit." Quigley sighed.

The Quagmire triplets walked slowly to the administrative building, with the Baudelaires following.

"We will be right outside." Violet assured them.  
"We are really dangerous." Klaus said and did a cheesy pose. "People should fear us."  
"Oh, Klaus." Duncan said slowly. "You're really cute, you know that?"

After he said that, the Quagmires walked into Neros office.

"Wow." Klaus said, "Violet, do you think Duncan finally has realised it?"

"There you are!" Nero screamed, "I am very disappointed in you three."  
"What's _he _doing here?" Duncan asked angrily and pointed at coach Genghis.  
"I have heard from your teachers how terrible your reports are!" Nero growled, as if they didn't ask him anything. "I just want to expel you right away!"  
"Please do." Isadora said, and Quigley shushed her.  
"But I will not. You three need to study more. Tomorrow, your teachers will have an examination to test your knowledge. If you even get one question wrong, Genghis here had a wonderful idea."  
"Homeschooling." Olaf said in his Genghis-voice.  
"What?" Duncan said.  
"Homeschooling. Where you sit in your kitchen table and home and study instead of in a dusty classroom."  
"We know what homeschooling is." Duncan protested.

Quigley sighed. "Okay. We will go study right away."  
"You have to be fast." Olaf said, "You still have to run laps tonight."  
"We have to?" Isadora yelled.  
"Yes, now scram, children!" Nero screamed. "Genghis and I want to be alone."

The Quagmires went sadly out of the office. The Baudelaires stood outside, waiting for them.

"We heard everything." Klaus said."  
"What are we gonna do?" Isadora groaned, "This is hopeless!"

Suddenly, Violet started to tie her up.

"I think I have an idea."


	30. An examination gone wrong

"Are you sure about this?" Quigley asked, "We can find other ways to fix this."  
"No, I have already gotten the lower half to move." Violet responded.

The Baudemires (or Quagelaires) sat in the library. They had locked it, and sat in an excluded area, so it was hard for anyone to notice them. Violet had taken some plates from the kitchen and apparently had a bunch of cords in her school bag. Quigley and Isadora gave Violet interested looks as she was working with the plastic skeleton she took from a closet.

"Now, Quigley." Violet said, "I wanted to record your voice, but unfortunately I couldn't get that to work. But fortunately, I made it look like it's running."

She started to drag the plate the skeleton was standing on, and it started to slowly move. If you had bad eyesight, or it was dark outside, you'd think it could be a real person, who just moved a little weird. Violet made sure to dress it in a spare uniform, so I could look more like a human.

"Alright." Klaus said, "I think I just need to take off my glasses. The problem is I can't see without them."  
"Well, we can barely see anything when we're running, anyway." Isadora shrugged. "Except the bright circle we're running around in."  
"But you don't have to, Klaus." Duncan said, "There's still time to find another way! We can run while reading your notes!"

Klaus took off his glasses.

"Duncan Quagmire. There's nothing i'd rather do in my life than help you to not get expelled because a psycopath wants your fortune."

Duncan just stared at Klaus. _Gosh, he was so cute._  
"I... can take care of your glasses, Klaus."  
"Thanks." Klaus said. "I know you'll take care of them well."

"Alright, give us your notes." Isadora said, "I think you need to go soon."  
"Yeah." Violet said and started to roll the skeleton. "Wait."  
"What is it?" Quigley asked.

Violet pointed at Isadora. "Your hair."  
"My hair." Isadora repeated.  
"Your hair is short."  
"My hair is short."  
"Well, my hair is long."

Isadora shrugged. "Olaf won't notice."  
"Isadora, I need a ponytail to not make my hair fall in my face. Olaf will notice."

Violet started to go through her bag, and soon found a pair of scissors.

"Wow, you really have everything in that bag." Duncan commented.  
"Violet, I like your long hair." Quigley said.  
"Violet, don't do it!" Isadora protested.

Violet gave Isadora a stern look. "Isadora, I _want _to do this. For you, and only you. This is a solidarity act."

And so, she started to cut her hair. She stopped for a second to measure Isadora's hair lenght, and then continued.

"There." she said and looked at herself in a mirror. "Wow, I am _good _with scissors! I didn't even look how I was cutting, and it turned out _wonderful_!"

Isadora just stared at her with many emotions flying around. Violet picked up some piece of her hair.

"For you, my darling." she said and gave it to Isadora. "Use it, it might be useful since you are studying measurements."

Isadora blushed hard. Violet turned to Quigley.

"And you can also keep some of my hair, Quigley. Maybe make a doll and glue the hair on it. And call the doll 'Violetta'."

And so, Violet and Klaus went outside to run laps, leaving three heartstruck Quagmires behind.

"You know, Isa." Duncan said, "I'm starting to understand what you meant with 'it takes one to know one' when you talked to Charles at Lucky Smells."

The Quagmires studied really hard for the upcoming day. Late into the night. they tried to memorise all the notes the Baudelaires had given them. Luckily, the fell asleep much earlier than the previous days, but they tried to stay awake to study. All three of the Quagmire triplets even dreamt of the notebooks.

"Wake up, orphans!" Nero yelled, banging on their door. "You have a big examination. And I have never expelled anyone, so I am really excited!"

Duncan, Quigley and Isadora slowly stood up, put on their school uniform jackets and went outside to greet their teachers.

"Now, let's get this overwith!" Nero exhaled, "So I can expel them!  
"Now, children." Miss Bass said in a bored tone, "We will take turns in asking you a question. If you get one question wrong, we'll fail you."  
"Now, they know that!" Nero screamed, "Just get to it!"

Mr. Remora sighed. He started to read questions from a paper.  
"Quigley, what color were the elephants I saw floating in the sky after I drank that mysterious water?"  
"Pink." Quigley said.  
"Pink!" Nero giggled, "That can't be correct!"  
"Actually, it is." Remora explained.  
"Oh, darn it!"

"Isadora." Miss Bass said, "How long was the pigeon's beak?"  
"5 centimeters." Isadora answered.  
"Correct."  
"Duncan." Remora said, "What comes after 'love love, peace peace' in the second chorus of the song?"  
"It's 'and a burning fake piano'."  
"Correct. It's nice you remember that, I loved that song-"  
"Focus!" Nero screamed, almost red in his face.

"Isadora, how many miles is it to the nearest bank?"  
"4.7 miles."  
"Quigley, was it blood or strawberry jam on the pants?"  
"Both. Strawberry jam on the knees, blood between the legs."  
"Duncan, who does the glasses you're holding belong to?"  
"Klaus Baudelaire."

The examination continued. To Nero's fright, the Quagmires answered correctly on every single question.

"Nero." Mr. Remora said, "I don't think we have to continue. Quigley and Duncan clearly have studied enough."  
"And I have never seen anyone remember numbers the way Isadora does." miss Bass explained proudly.

"Wait!"

Everyone turned around to see Count Olaf, still in his Genghis disguise.

"These children haven't done their P.E examination."  
"We are happy to run laps." Quigley said.  
"Oh, but that isn't needed." Olaf explained.

Then, he held up a plastic bone. The Quagmire triplets froze.

"You see." Olaf explained, "Yesterday, when the triplets was running their usual laps, I noticed something weird. One of them ran extremly weirdly. I didn't think much of it until they were done. They were so eager to run away, and I noticed how one of them suddenly stopped. I walked forward to give him a little kick."  
"Nice." Nero said.  
"Then I noticed, he just collapsed. And I realised it wasn't a real human."

Olaf glanced at the glasses Duncan was holding.

"The Quagmires don't have to run laps because they have cheated. The Baudelaires have taken their place."

"Aha!" Nero shrieked, "Cheating! You're expelled, Quagmires! Expelled! Hee hee ha ha!"

Isadora went forward and ripped Olaf's turban off.

"Can't you see? He's count Olaf! He's got one eyebrow!"

"Well, that was just inappropriate, Isadora." Miss Bass said.

Suddenly, they heard a car engine start. Olaf started to run.

"Oh, fuck." Quigley whispered.

The Quagmire triplets ran after the villian. In the distance, they saw two children being shoved into a car.

"Violet." Isadora said.  
"Klaus." Duncan said.

They ran and ran, and started to hear the Baudelaires scream after them.

"Quagmires! We have news!" Violet yelled, almost crying.  
"It's all connected!" Duncan screamed, "V.F.D!"  
"Violet! Klaus!" Quigley screamed anxiously.

Now, Olaf had gotten to the car.

"It's a reason both our parents died!" Violet screamed, being dragged back into the car, "In a fire!"  
"V.F.D!" Duncan screamed again.

The car started to drive faster, making the Quagmires run faster. But they couldn't run any faster.

"V.F.D!"  
"V.F.D!"

That was the last words the Quagmires heard from the Baudelaires, before the car drove off into the distance, and it was no use chasing it after, even if you ran for hours and hours. Duncan looked at the glasses he still held.

And suddenly, all three of the Quagmires started to cry.


	31. Rich kids exploring at a rich party

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Last flashback chapter for part 1!

"Stay still, Quigley, I need to fix your bowtie."

Quigley rocked back and forth, as his mother was fixing his tie.

"Remember to behave now." their father said, while fixing Isadora's bow in her hair.  
"Why?" Isadora asked, and was on her way to pick her nose.  
"Because this is very rich people." their mother explained, "They want us to be proper."  
"But we are rich too!" Duncan said, "aren't we, mommy?"  
"Yes, but these are those rich people that thinks children are like small adults. They are boring, but it's important to be friends with them in case something happens."

The family went to the car. Isadora and Quigley wanted to jump around in puddles, but their parents strictly forbid that.

"Do they have toys?" Duncan asked, "Like a big dollhouse?"  
"I don't know." his father answered.  
"I hope so." Isadora said, "Or perhaps they have a big, big space ship so they can fly to venus!"

The Quagmire parents chuckled at their daughter. They were a little nervous for this gathering, and really hoped for everything to go well. Luckily, their children always made them feel better, but they weren't sure if the other people would like them. They just had to wait and see.

The car stopped outside a really large penthouse.

"Wow!" Duncan exclaimed. "What a big house!"  
"I know." Mr. Quagmire said, "And we will go to the top!"  
"The top?" Isadora yelled, "That means we will ride an elevator!"  
"That's right, sweetie." her mother said, and smiled.

The family went inside, where the doorman greeted them. They told him they were invited, and he checked their names off a list.

"You're good to go. Have fun, Quagmires."  
"Mom! Can we ride an elevator now?" Isadora asked eagerly.  
"Of course, sweetie."

They got inside the elevator and began to move up. The triplets got excited of how many floors there was.

"Father, does the house have 100 floors?" Duncan asked.  
"No, only 66 floors." Mr. Quagmire explained.  
"That's still very high up!" Quigley said.

The elevator stopped after around 3 minutes of going up. The triplets jumped out before their parents and looked around.

"Hello! Welcome!" a man said, who had opened the door. "Glad you could make it!"

He started to greet the triplets parents with hugs. Then he glanced at Quigley.

"Oh, you brought your children!"  
"I hope that's okay." Mrs. Quagmire said, "They have never been to these things before, but we have told them to behave."  
"It's absolutely okay! In fact, some other guests brought their children, too! My wife complained a little, but I told her bringing children was in."

The man then whispered, "Bringing children to parties isn't in, but don't tell her that. I for once enjoy seeing whole families together rather than leaving the children with a grumpy babysitter at home while you're having fun."

He bended down to the three young Quagmires. "Welcome. We have a room full of toys further down the hall! You can go there while I chat with your parents."  
"Thanks, mister." Quigley said politely and smiled, showing all his missing baby teeth.

The triplets ran into the hallway. The room with toys was only the second door, but the triplets were really eager to explore the large hallway with all the doors.

But since the triplets had a thing for getting lost, they first thought they would play in the room with toys. There were other children there playing. Two older girls who was sitting on each side of a small see-saw. Rich people had see-saws in their playrooms, apparently. There was also a younger boy playing with a large dollhouse. Duncan got excited, because he liked dollhouses, but the dollhouse somehow looked very boring to him. It just looked like some boring victorian home, and that didn't interest Duncan at all.

"Okay." Isadora said. "I don't want to play here. Shall we explore the house instead?"

Suddenly, one of the girls stood up. The triplets noticed she had triangle glasses on, which they thought they were cool.

"Are you gonna explore the house?" she asked, "I want to go too!"

She then made the boy and girl stand up aswell. "Violet, Klaus! We're gonna explore the house!"  
"How fun!" the girl, who the triplets understood as Violet, said. The triplets had met Violet and Klaus before, when they were even younger, and would meet them several times more, but somehow they always forgot every time they met until they met again as preteens.

Klaus seemed not as on with the idea of exploring the house, but he didn't want to be left alone.

It was something with small kids and just meeting. They didn't need to know each other at all. They just needed to say one word, and it didn't even have to be a "hi". Then, they could just play and talk like they had known each other for years. And so, the Quagmire triplets, the girl with the triangle glasses and Violet and Klaus, started to walked the long hallway in the massive house they were in.

"I want to open this door!" Quigley exclaimed, and opened a random door. In there was a bookshelf and several couches.  
"I can read." Duncan said proudly, "This book is called 'Things that were in one-eight-four-seven-one-eight-five-zero'."  
"It's 1847-1850." the girl with triangle glasses said.  
"Doesn't sound like fun books." Klaus said.

They walked out and randomly opened a door on the right, further away. In there was a huge bathtub.  
"I want to bath!" Violet cheered.  
"Me too!" Isadora added.  
"Me three!" Quigley said and started to drag his shirt as if to signal he wanted to take it off.  
"I want it too, but we are not allowed to bath in a strangers house." the triangle-glassed girl explained.

The children went from room to room, but didn't really stay in a room for long.

"Hello, children."

The six children had opened a door that was completely dark and creepy.

"What are precious little children like you doing here?"

They saw two large figures, staring down at them. It looked like a man and a woman.

"Are you guests?" Quigley asked.  
"Not excactly." the man said.   
"We came inside by climbing a secret passage." the woman explained.  
"What are you doing in the dark room?" Isadora asked. She felt a little nervous.

One of the figures took out their hand. "It's complicated. Come inside and we'll explain."

Klaus and Duncan was about to go inside, when the girl with triangle glasses stopped them.

"Why can't you just tell us while we stand here?"  
"Oh, I know who you are." said the woman. "You're Fiona Widdershins. The step-daughter of Captain Widdershins."

Fiona blinked sternly. "I think we should go."  
"And I think you should not!"

Suddenly, Fiona was dragged in.

"Help!" she wailed. Violet and Isadora reacted quickly and started to pull her back out.  
Isadora and Violet didn't know who this was, but they certainly felt like it was someone bad. Isadora had known Fiona for half an hour, but any adult is automatically a villian if the child isn't more villianous. And Fiona did not seem a villian.

Suddenly, a bunch of people lifted up the children behind their backs. Fiona was crying, as a man, or boy, or a teenager, held her tightly.   
"It's okay, Fiona, your brother is here for you."  
"Isadora!" her mother cried, "Are you alright?"  
"Violet!" presumably Violets father said, "Did anything happen?"

Suddenly, all the grown ups looked inside, and growled menacingly.

"If you ever try to take our children." Mrs. Quagmire said, "We will immediately call the authorities. Now, scram."  
"We were only here for the free food, anyway." said the man.

And so, the man and woman seemed to fucking jump out of the window.

"What's going on here?" the man who had greeted everyone at the door asked.  
"The sinister duo was here." said the young man-boy-teen that held Fiona. "They jumped out of the window."  
"Oh no." the man said, "I apologise so much. I have to make sure to lock and block all the passages."

"Mom?" Quigley asked, "Who were those people?"  
"Not anyone you need to worry about anymore, sweetie."

The Quagmire parents had tried their best to make their children forget this horrible event. Every time the triplets brought it up, their parents just shrugged and said it was a nightmare. That made the triplets for a long while believe they could share dreams. And maybe they could, but they would soon realise this wasn't a dream after all...


	32. A penthouse of familiarity and funny names

"667 dark avenue is one of the most innest places in your hometown!" Mr. Poe explained. "I think you will feel really happy, because your new guardians are incredibly wealthy!"  
"We just wish our friends could be here with us." Isadora sighed. The Quagmires had been crying all day and were hopelessly worried for the Baudelaires.  
"Well, good news, boys!"  
"I am not a boy." Isadora hissed.  
"I will drop you off very quickly." Mr. Poe said, as if Isadora hadn't said anything. "Then, I will go on a helicopter ride to search for your friends in the mountains!"  
"Good luck with that." Duncan said. He was terribly heartbroken and just wanted to find Klaus again. He had just figured out he loved him, and he wanted to talk about it. With Klaus. Not with his siblings. They wouldn't understand?

They stopped outside the largest building the Quagmires had ever seen.

"Well, I gotta go, triplets." Mr Poe said, "There's a doorman in there who can help you. Good luck."

And so, Mr. Poe drove off.

"Well, then." Quigley shrugged. They went inside and was greeted by a man in a suit.  
"Hello, i'm Larry your doorman."   
"That's funny." Isadora said, "We once met a waiter named Larry."  
"Most people named Larry end up in the service industry." Larry the doorman said. "I understand you must be the Quagmire triplets."  
"No." Isadora lied, "We just met outside and happened to look identical."  
"I appreciate sarcasm." Larry said, "Even though it's not in at the time."

Duncan looked confused around. "What?"  
"You can take the stairs." Larry explained, ignoring Duncan.  
"Is the elevator out of order?" Quigley asked.  
"No. Elevators are just out. Now, go up. They live on the top floor."

The Quagmire triplets, being very weirded out, sighed and started to walk up the stairs.

It felt like hours, but it was actually just 10 minutes. The Quagmires had walked a third of the stairs up to the penthouse.

"Well." Quigley said, "We can atleast talk a little while we are walking."  
"Sure, what do you want to talk about?" Duncan asked.  
"I think we can acknowlegde the elephant in the room." Quigley said.  
"Yeah." Isadora added, "Our friends have been kidnapped. It's horrible."  
"Yes. But it was not that I meant."

Quigleys siblings gave him a confused look.

"What's the elephant in the room if it isn't our kidnapped friends?" Duncan asked.

Quigley looked down. "Our friends... the Baudelaires... we like them very much, don't we?"  
"Yes." Duncan and Isadora said in unison.  
"That's... the elephant in the room."  
"What?" Isadora squealed.

Quigley took a deep breath. "I think it's time I tell you what Violet and I discussed."  
"What did you discuss with Violet?" Isadora asked jealously.  
"We discussed about you guys. And us."  
"Okay." Duncan shrugged, "Why?"  
"Violet made me realise something about you two."

His siblings suddenly stopped climbing the stairs. They started to realise what just their brother might refer to, but they didn't want to realise it.

"Guys... you don't have to hide who you are. Not from me."  
"What do you mean 'hide who you are'?" Isadora asked, obviously annoyed. "I am Isadora Avi Quagmire. I don't hide myself."  
"You know... what I mean." Quigley sighed.  
"No?" Isadora lied. She knew, she just didn't want to talk about it.

Quigley stared at his siblings. He wasn't sure how to say this. He guessed he had to go right to the matter.

"Violet told me you two were... gay." he whispered.  
"How did she know that!" Duncan exclaimed, "Oh... I mean, what makes her think that?"  
"Duncan, you're as straight as wet spaghetti." Isadora giggled.  
"What about you?" Duncan said, "It was you who said to Charles 'it takes one to know one', wasn't that right?"  
"And how do you understand what I was reffering to, hm?"

"Children!" Quigley exclaimed. "Don't you see?"  
"See what?" Duncan said.

Quigley sighed. "We will talk about this later, okay. I will not forget it."

After climbing all the stairs, the triplets finally reached their destination.

"Question." Isadora said, "Why does this floor have two elevators?"

She didn't get an answer, as a door opened.

"Hello! Shalom! Welcome!"

A man with a nice moustache and a pinstripe suit stood in the entrance of the door on the floor.

"My name is Jerome Squalor. You must be the Quagmires."  
"Yes, that is us." Quigley nodded.  
"Oh, you must be exhausted from the stairs." Jerome said, "Come inside, and i'll give you some aqueous martinis."  
"Wait, alcoholic drinks?" Duncan asked nervously.  
"Fuck yes." Isadora whispered.  
"Oh no." Jerome said, "It's just water with a fancy olive inside. Here you go."

He gave all three of them fancy glasses you usually have for wine. But of course, it was filled with water and olives and not actual wine. The Quagmires triplets took them quickly.

"Oh no, that's not how you hold the glass." Jerome chuckled. He pointed at Duncan, who held the glass with just two fingers at the bottom of the glass.  
"This is how you hold it." Quigley explained. He held the glass with two fingers too, but at the top of the glass instead.

Isadora sighed. "You have to excuse my brothers. They are idiots."

She happily drank her aqueous martini while holding the glass correctly. It didn't taste good at all, but it was better than nothing.

"You have to excuse it being so dark." Jerome explained, "You see, dark is in at the moment."  
"Exactly!" said a voice.

Through a door came a fancy woman wearing a pinstripe suit, just like Jerome.

"Good, the orphans came." she said, as if the Quagmires were a package she had ordered.  
"Darling..." Jerome whispered.  
"Oh right. Hello children, my name is Esme Gigi Genevive Squalor, the cities sixth most important financial advisor.  
"So your initials are EGGS?" Isadora giggled.  
"Great." Esme sighed, "We got a sassy one."  
"A sassy sappho." Isadora said. "That's what Klaus, my friend, use to call me."  
"Oh, Klaus Baudelaire?" Jerome said, "You must be so worried for him and his sister."  
"We are." Duncan said.  
"Well, a good thing about being rich is that you don't have to worry!" Esme cheered. "When the Baudelaires have been found they will move in right here with us! The more orphans the better!"  
"I of course wanted to have you all along." Jerome explained.  
"But we couldn't!" Esme said, "Orphans used to be out! But now they are in! And you know what's more in! Triplets! And not only that, but darkness and pinstripe suits are in... and also, we need to give you three some haircuts."  
"But I like my hair." Isadora said.  
"Nonsense! You three will get an identical haircut immediately. People need to see you're triplets!"

The Quagmires frowned. People should already see pretty clear right now they are triplets, but sure. They didn't want to protest to their new guardian. Esme pushed them forward into a large hallway with lots of doors. They swore it looked familiar, and that they had been in this place before. Quigley almost felt a very anxious atmosphere, like whatever happened here was not good.

"Here we are!" Esme said and pushed them inside a room. Inside, it looked like a real hair salon. A man with piercings and a flannel shirt stood inside and posed like he was about to dance.  
"Finally!" he exclaimed, "I thought those kids would never arrive. I was about to leave."  
"Thank you for waiting, Bobbi. And please make sure the triplets get dressed in pinstripe suits before you leave."  
"As long as you pay me." Bobbi shrugged.

After Esme left, Bobbi made the Quagmire children sit down in chairs. Before they knew it, he started to cut Duncan's hair. Duncan just froze, and hoped he didn't cut his ears off.

And soon, he started to cut both Isadora and Quigley, holding a scissor in each hand.

"Don't worry, i'm ambidextrous." Bobbi assured them, but Isadora and Quigley didn't feel so assured.

"There, all done."

Bobbi held out a mirror, for the triplets to see. They stared at themselves. Bobbi had cut identical pixie haircuts for all three of them. Isadora cringed. She liked short hair, but not like _this_. Quigley and Duncan didn't like it either.

"Now, go put on your pinstripe suits." he said. The triplets did as they were told, and went to grab a pinstripe suit.

"Okay, these weren't that bad." Quigley said, as he was finished. "Just a little big."  
"I don't know." Duncan said slowly, "It's not quite my style."  
"Well, it certanly is mine!" Isadora exclaimed.

She jumped out and started to pose like she was in a fashion show.

"I could tie all by myself! I hope we'll see Violet soon, she'll be so proud!"

Then she saw herself in the mirror and got reminded of her new haircut, and got sad again.

"Oh, how in you look!" Esme exclaimed when the triplets came out. "So identical, so fashionable..."  
"I feel like a boy." Isadora said quietly. Jerome heard that. He bent down.

"Isadora..." Jerome said, "I have a bow in my pocket, if you want to feel more like a girl..."

He happily took out a white bow, and put it in Isadora's hair. Isadora looked at herself in a nearby mirror.

"Thank you." she said. Maybe she could make herself at home here, even if she just was forced to cut her hair into an ugly cut.


	33. Gunther ruins everything, yeah thank you for that Gunther

Days had passed in the big penthouse. Suddenly dark was out and light was in. Suddenly you had to drink parsley soda because aqueous martinis were out.

"You'll get used to it." Jerome said. "I don't really care about in's or out's either, but I don't want to fight with my wife."

The Quagmires felt really luxourious, being in this large penthouse. But they couldn't feel so happy now, when their friends, the Baudelaires, had been kidnapped by Olaf. They really hope the search for them was going well.

"Jerome!" Esme squealed, "You remember a man named Gunther was coming here today?"  
"Uh..." Jerome answered, "Sure?"  
"Well, we gotta plan some important things so I need you to take the children out for lunch."  
"Can't we stay here?" Duncan asked, "The penthouse is massive enough to basicly get lost."  
"No." Esme said stiffly. "You need to go out. Scram."

Jerome shrugged.

"Hey, Jerome and Charles would make a great couple." Isadora snickered.  
"You are right about that." Quigley said and started to picture it.

The triplets later walked into one of the living rooms and saw Esme talking to a man.

"Oh, orphans!" Esme cheered, "This is Gunther."

Gunther turned around. "Hello, children. Will you please excuse how I am talking as I am please a foreigner."

Isadora slowly took out her bow she wore in her head and started to slap it repeatedly in her hand, as if she was threatening Gunther with the bow.  
Duncan just backed out of the room and continued to back out.  
Quigley froze.

"You are not Gunther." Isadora said.  
"Why please, I am." Gunther lied.  
"Children, of course this is Gunther." Esme said.  
"No." Isadora growled.  
"This is Count Olaf." Quigley explained, "He's in disguise."  
"Run for your lives!" Duncan screamed from another room who he had backed into.

"This is not Count Olaf." Esme explained, "And he is not in disguise."  
"But-"

Suddenly, Jerome came in.

"Alright, kids. Better go."  
"Jerome!" Isadora said, "This is-"  
"Gunther." Gunther said. "Please, nice to meet you."  
"Nice to meet you, too." Jerome answered politely. "Okay, children. Esme and Gunther needs to work. Come on."

The Quagmire triplets tried to tell Jerome it was really Olaf, but they had tried this so many times before with so many people before, and they started to give up.

Jerome took them to Cafe Salmonella, who was apparently a very in resturant.

"Jerome..." Quigley asked, "Do you find something... odd about Gunther?"  
"Well, he's got an accent." Jerome chuckled.  
"We mean... like something off... about him." Isadora added.  
"Children." Jerome said, "I didn't expect you to be xenophobic. Do you know what what means?"  
"Fear of strangers?" Duncan suggested. He had learned a lot of new words the past weeks.  
"Well, yes. Just because someone looks different or have a special accent, it doesn't mean they are dangerous."  
"But Gunther _is _dangerous!" Duncan exclaimed, "He's Count Olaf in disguise!"

"I guess Jerome is another one we will not get any help from." Quigley whispered. "But hey, if Olaf is close, so is the Baudelaires!"  
"You're right!" Isadora said. "Oh my. Do you think he hides them in the house?"  
"The house is big enough." Duncan said, picturing how he randomly walks around the house and finds Klaus in a closet.

"But if he hid them in the house." Quigley said, "Then they would most likely be found at one point or another. I don't believe they would be quiet."

As they were walking back, Quigley glanced at the large house.

"Jerome, I was wondering... why does your floor have two elevator doors?"

Jerome stared nervously at Quigley. He looked to not know if he should tell or not.

"Well..." Jerome said, "It's an... unfinished elevator. They were supposed to fix it, but it was hard to build and... yeah."  
"I understand." Quigley responded, and started to think.

When they finally reached the apartment, Quigley seemed to want to go to the side. He glanced at the elevator door.

"Quigley, where are you going?" Jerome asked, "We gotta go inside. Come on."

Quigley sighed, and followed his siblings and Jerome back into the apartment.

"I think Esme and Gunther have gone out." Jerome said.

"Why are you so interested in the elevators?" Isadora asked.  
"Isa." Quigley said stiffly, "Don't you think it's strange that only the Squalors have two elevators outside their house?"  
"I mean, yeah." Isadora shrugged, "But I have seen stranger things."  
"We all have." Duncan added.

Later that day, Esme came home. She didn't speak much with anyone. Rather, she just passed by. Quigley took his chance to sneak out.

He walked forward to the elevator door, and pressed the button.

The door opened. But inside, there was no elevator. It was just a deep, deep shaft.

"Hello?" Quigley yelled down the shaft. "Is someone there?"

No response. He decided to call again.

"Hello motherfuckers! Is someone down there who needs help?"

Suddenly, he heard a "Duncan?!" yelling towards him from down there. It was still very quiet, but he could hear if he listened carefully.  
"Klaus?" Quigley screamed, "It's Quigley!"  
"Quigley!"  
"Klaus!"  
"Hi, Quigley!"  
"Violet!"

The Baudelaires voices sounded hoarse and sad, as if they had been screaming for long.

"Listen!" Quigley yelled, "We will get you! Just wait! We will come to get you!"  
"Hurry!" Violet screamed.

"Quiglefort, what are you doing out here?"

Quigley turned around to see Esme standing by the entrance.

"My name isn't Quiglefort."  
"Yes, it is. I know that, because it says so on your birth certificate."  
"Wait, what-"  
"So, Quiglefort, what are you doing out here? Come inside at once."  
"I was-"  
"I don't want to hear. You shouldn't be near that elevator shaft."

Esme dragged him back in and basically pushed him to his siblings who sat in the living room.

"Where were you, Quigley?" Isadora asked.  
"At the elevator door."  
"Okay, so what did you find?" Duncan asked.

Quigley stood up. "Our friends."


	34. This abyss of world destroyed

It was in the middle of the night. The triplets had not gone to sleep. They had instead taken some "rich energy pills" (as Esme called them) from a locker to stay awake. They could have made coffee, but they had never made coffee before so they did what they did.

"You found the ropes?" Quigley asked.  
"Yep." Isadora said, holding a bunch of ropes she had taken from exploring various rooms. "Don't worry Baudelaires, just sit and lay, the Quagmire triplets are on their way."

Duncan snickered. "That's the best you could do?"  
"Well." Isadora said, "My original idea was 'we know you're gay', and that didn't quite work in the same way."  
"Fair enough."

The three triplets slowly sneaked out of the penthouse.

"Alright, how do we tie the ropes?" Isadora asked.  
"I don't fucking know." Quigley said, "Can anyone tie ropes here?"  
"No?" Duncan and Isadora said together.

Quigley sighed, "Alright, I volunteer to tie the ropes together because i'm the oldest and that's somehow my job I guess."

Quigley tiead as hard as he could all the long ropes Isadora had brought.

"Ok, I think they won't untie now." he said, "But can you help me tie the beginning, so we can climb down?"

Duncan and Isadora decided to tie the rope onto the ceiling, hoping it would stay there.

"Alright." Duncan said, "Who shall go first?"  
"I can go." Isadora suggested. "I am a good climber if the ropes fails."

Slowly, she started to climb her way down. Her brothers held the rope tightly in case it broke.

After a while though, Isadora yelled at them to let go, and so they did, and absolutely nothing happened. That meant the rope held.

Quigley started to climb down after and soon after him Duncan climbed down.

  
The Quagmire triplets climbed and climbed, and almost got exhausted. They had climbed down atleast 50 floors when Isadora stopped.

"Why are you stopping?" Duncan asked.  
"The rope." Isadora said, "It ends here. I can't go any further."

Quigley sighed. "Oh well. I hope the Baudelaires can hear us."

"Duncan?"

Duncan flinched, almost dropping from the rope.

"Klaus?" he shouted.  
"Duncan!" a voice, who clearly was Klaus, answered.  
"Are you down there?" Isadora asked.   
"Yes!" Violet yelled back, "They have locked us in a cage!"  
"A cage?" Quigley asked worringly, "What the fuck?"  
"We just want you to come down here." Klaus said.

Isadora bit her lip. "We want so, too. We tied some long ropes together, but they seemed to have ended here..."  
"We really want to see you guys!" Duncan yelled sadly.  
"It calms us that you're here, anyway!" Violet said, "We have so much to tell you!"  
"We promise to come down as fast as we can!" Quigley assured them, "We just need to find one or two more ropes to get down properly."  
"Olaf has told us all these horrible things!" Klaus said. "About us! About VFD!"  
"We have to wait." Duncan said, "After we get down properly, we'll listen to everything!"  
"But there's no time!" Violet protested. "Can't you just drop and fall down here?"  
"If we do, we might get severly injured." Quigley explained, "And also, we can't get up again if we do."  
"But that's ok!" Klaus said, "There's an tunnel-"  
  
"Wait." Violet said. "Guys, the lock for the cage is really heavy! If you go back up, can you bring things that might help us unlock the lock?"  
"Of course!" Duncan said. "But we need to get up quickly, my hands are starting to slip."  
"Don't worry Baudelaires, don't feel disgrace." Isadora recited, "The Quagmire triplets are on the case."

The Quagmire triplets climbed up again, all while speaking to the Baudelaires. But their voices was heard less and less. Finally, they had reached the top.

"We are up now, Baudelaires!" Quigley announced.  
"Hurry!" a small voice was heard from the bottom of the shaft.

The Quagmires rushed into the house and tried to find every possible thing they could find to help pick a lock and extend the ropes. They didn't notice they had woken up someone.

"Why are you three up in an hour like this?"

The triplets looked up. In the entrance of the room they were currently in was Esme Squalor. Oddly enough, she looked to be very well-dressed for being woken up. Like if she hadn't even changed to a pyjamas.

"I repeat my question." Esme said stiffly.

The Quagmires just looked at her and shrugged in unison.

"You don't know?" Esme groaned.  
"No." Duncan said.  
"What are you doing with these ropes?"

The triplets looked nervously at each other.

"I don't think you will believe us." Quigley said.  
"Try me." Esme said. "Listen. I know I may look like some crazy rich woman, but I am still your guardian. You are important to me. Now, please tell me what's the matter."

The Quagmire triplets took deep breaths. Then they started to tell her.

They told her how they believed Gunther was really Count Olaf.  
They told her how they had heard the Baudelaires calling from the elevator shaft.  
They told her all about how they just needed a lockpick and some more ropes, and then they would be down there and rescue the Baudelaires.

When they had finished, Esme looked at them with a confused face.

"Wow." she said, "That is the least innest things i've heard for a long while."

Quigley sighed. "I knew you wouldn't believe us."

Esme just blinked. "It's wonderful how three young children can figure out such a complicated plot. I need a drink!"

The Quagmire triplets just stared at their guardian. They weren't sure if she was joking or not.

"Esme..." Quigley said.  
"I know what you are going to say." Esme said, "There's no time drinking anything. We will get Gunther arrested and the Baudelaires set free. Come on!"

Quigley, Isadora and Duncan smiled.

"There's no time to waste." Esme said, "We gotta tell the authorities. It's just a bummer we have to take the stairs again. I suppose we could slide down... or wait!"

She slowly lead the Quagmires to the elevator shaft.

"We'll take the elevator!"

With that, she pushed the three triplets down the elevator shaft.

It was a long, long fall with nothing but darkness. The triplets could see their lives flashing by.

"_I'm going to die._" Quigley thought, "_I will never know if Violet chose me or Isadora or someone else. I will never know why the Squalor's penthouse looks so familiar. I will never rescue the Baudelaires. God dammit. Now I die._"  
"_I'm going to die._" Isadora thought, "_I will never be a famous poet. I will never talk to Violet again. I will never talk to my brothers again. I will never know why dark scary rooms with someone I can't see inside scares me."  
_"_I'm going to die." _Duncan thought, "_I will never have the chance to tell Klaus I love him. I will never kiss him. I will never know why that old playroom in the Squalor's house seems so familiar._"

And suddenly, they hit the ground.

The only thing was, it wasn't a ground. It was a net. Duncan screamed like a literal newborn, while Quigley and Isadora just sat there shocked.

"We're alive!" Duncan panted.

"You are alive, Quagmires!" the triplets heard Esme scream. They saw her face stick out from the top of the shaft. She continued, "But you know what? You are _far _from ok! You and the Baudelaires will be smuggled out of town with the handsome actor, Count Olaf, and I can promise you Quagmires, that you will never be okay again!"

Isadora started to cry. "Why are you doing this?"

Esme just laughed. "Because Olaf is such a lovely man! And if I help him, he might help me getting something I want."  
"What?" Quigley screamed. It wasn't because he couldn't believe what she was saying, but because he actually couldn't hear her at all.  
"See you soon, orphans!" Esme cheered. And with that, she closed the elevator door.

"Just a quick question." Duncan said, "How the fuck did they get a net here so quickly?"


	35. Runaway triplets

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am bad at writing chase scenes.

You'd think the Quagmires somehow found a way out from the net.

But I have to say to you...

No. They did not. They did not escape the net. They got smuggled with the Baudelaires out of town.

Crying and fighting, the Quagmires had been pushed into the back of a car.

"Fuck you!" Quigley screamed with the voice he had left.  
"Leave your screaming." Olaf groaned. "I can be nice and let you chat with your friends. But my henchfolk will hear everything!"

Duncan sobbed. He took out the glasses he had in his pocket.

"This is all I have left of Klaus." he sighed.  
"Duncan." Isadora said.  
"I wish I could meet him so I could give him his glasses."  
"Duncan." Quigley said.  
"If Klaus knew-"  
"Duncan!" Klaus screamed.

Duncan turned his head up. In front of him sat Violet and Klaus. They looked like they had been turned into ghosts.

"K-Klaus?" Duncan said. "V-Violet?"  
"It's us." Klaus sighed, but he smiled. "Now, I heard you had my glasses?"  
"I have!" Duncan cheered. "Here!"

With tears in his eyes, Duncan gave over the glasses to Klaus. Klaus put them on quickly, and blinked.

"Thank you. Wow, Duncan. You look really nice in that pinstripe suit."  
"You all do." Violet said with a broken voice. "You really look identical."  
"I've missed you." Isadora said, glancing at Violet.  
"We have missed you too." Klaus said, but he glanced at Duncan.

The five of them bursted out crying and hugged each other hard. And long. They were just so happy to see each other again. But also sad, because they were currently cramped in a trunk cover, kidnapped to be smuggled out of town.

While they were crying, they heard a conversation between Olaf and Esme.

"I appreciate you getting a net so quickly." Esme said, "I was afraid I was pushing the orphans down to their death."  
"I work fast, my pet." Olaf said. It was actually his henchfolk who put out the net, but Olaf was far too egoistic to give them any praise. "By the way, didn't your husband what's-his-name notice a thing?"  
"I just sent him a note that said 'Hi Jerome. I'm leaving with the children. Goodbye.' Now tell me, Olaf. Where are we going?"  
"I can't tell you that, because the orphans hear everything."

They had driven for a long time, and the five unfortunate children didn't dare to speak loudly. Klaus had dragged Duncan over to the side, and he hugged him tightly.

"Duncan..." Klaus whispered, "I feel much calmer with you around."

Duncan felt an electric rush running through his body. He didn't know what to say.

"Duncan?" Klaus asked, "Did you just OD in here?"  
"I don't know what that means." Duncan admitted, "But I am alive."

Klaus laughed. "You're so sweet, you know? I have been thinking about you a lot. Me and Violet spent the majority of our time kidnapped talking about you three."  
"Really?" Duncan said.  
"Yes."

Duncan glanced at his siblings. They and Violet stared at him. He made a face as if to say 'Please, I want to talk alone to Klaus, why the fuck are you listening?'  
Luckily, Violet was someone who was good with reading faces (Isadora and Quigley was _not_. At all). She dragged Isadora in the her pinstripe suit to make her pay attention to her, and so Quigley did the same because he liked Violet too.

"Klaus..." Duncan whispered, "I... I have just figured out-"  
"You're gay and in love with me?" Klaus said. "Yeah, I know."  
"I... I'm happy you know."  
"I'm flattered I helped you realise it." Klaus said. "Because I love you too. So much."

He glanced at Violet. She was far too busy getting attention from her two admirers to see.

When he saw that no one saw them, he leaned in and kissed Duncan softly.

While the cute boys were having a private moment, Violet had her own private moment with the other two people in the trunk.

"Wow, you even got shorter hair now." Violet said and giggled.  
"Yeah, Esme made us cut them because pixie haircuts on children were in." Isadora responded. "Can't believe you cut your hair off for me, Violet."  
"I like it this way." Violet admitted, "My hair was getting long anyway."

"So..." Quigley said, sliding into them. "While I really want to know if Violet has chosen any of us, or if Duncan and Klaus have realised their feelings-" He glanced over at Klaus and Duncan who was far too busy kissing each other. "Ok. Anyway, I really would like to know about VFD."

"Of course." Violet said. "Olaf told us a lot of fucked up stuff. For starters, he works for a secret organisation, who kidnaps children to recruit them into this cult, that the organisation really is."  
"Ok, but what does VFD stand for?" Isadora asked, while hugging Violets arm.  
"I think it's-"

Suddenly, the car stopped. The hook-handed man opened the trunk cover.

"Boss has to fill up some gas. You are allowed to go use the bathroom, because we don't want you to soil yourselves in the car."

The five children were dragged out of the car. The white faces women dragged Isadora and Violet into the girls lavatory and the hook-handed man and the bald man dragged the boys into the boys lavatory.

"We will make sure you don't escape." the first white-faced woman said.

Isadora and Violet awkwardly went into one stall each to use the toilet. They were thinking about a plan to escape.

Duncan, Quigley and Klaus were also planning on escaping, as they also awkwardly used the toilets while two evil henchmen waited outside.

As all of them were done, they slowly got back to the car.

"Hey!" Olaf screamed, "Come and help me!"

All the henchfolks started to run up to the car to help with whatever he needed help with. No one was watching the kidnapped children.

"Okay." Quigley said quickly, "They aren't looking. Should we..."  
"Yeah!" Violet nodded, "But I can't find my ribbon! I need it to think!"

Isadora bit her lip, and then took out the white bow she wore on her head.

"Take this." she said.  
"Are you sure?" Violet said, "What if no one can tell you apart when you're not wearing it?"  
"It's excactly what I want, my flower."

Violet blushed. She and Isadora were not a couple (atleast not at this time) as Violet still was trying to figure out if she wanted to be with Quigley or Isadora more. But Isadora giving her bow to her, knowing that it would be hard to recogonize her without it, was something Violet was very flattered of.  
Violet tied her hair up, without realising her hair was a lot shorter because she cut at Prufrock.

"Okay. There's six of them, and five of us. But Olaf won't run after us, and Esme seems to care too much about her clothes to run after us. So it means only four will run after us, but we still need to split."  
"Split?" Duncan asked nervously. "I don't want to split!"  
"We will go in the same direction." Klaus assured him. "Look over there. There seems to be a sign for a town or something. Maybe we all can run to that sign."

There was a sign around the other side of the field that the gas station stood on. The Quagmires exchanged nods. The Baudelaires exhanged nods. All five of them exhanged nods and so, they started to run.

Duncan and Klaus held hands and ran to the left. Violet held hands with both Quigley and Isadora and ran to the right. They weren't going to split until-

"Wait, the orphans are running away!"

That was their cue.

Quigley and Isadora let go of Violet hands and ran in one direction each, while Violet continued to run straight forward.

Klaus and Duncan painfully let go of each others hands, hoping they soon could hold them again.

The henchpeople started to chase the children. What Klaus and Duncan didn't expect was how incredibly fast the hook-handed man and the first white-faced woman was, as they were running after them.

The bald man got very confused of Isadora and Quigley, as they were wearing the same outfits and had the same haircut. He was unsure if he was chasing Isadora in Quigleys clothes or Quigley in Isadoras clothes. That just made him run around back and forth.  
Violet just ran, and ran. Straight forward.

Olaf saw how his henchfolk hadn't captured the orphans yet, and sighed. He and Esme sat down in the car.

Then he sped off in maximum speed onto the field where everyone was running.

Klaus noticed the car was coming fastly towards him, and started to run in another direction. That made it easy for the hook-handed man to grab his jacket with his hook, and Olaf stopped the car for hookie to push Klaus in. At the same time, the two white faces women had blocked Violet's way and she ran right into them.

"Violet!" Isadora screamed.  
"Klaus!" Duncan screamed.  
"Baudelaires!" Quigley screamed.

"Keep running!" Klaus ordered them. "Keep-"  
"Shut up, boy!" Olaf yelled.

The Quagmires nodded and kept running all what they had. Violet and Klaus tried to get out of the car, but was pushed back in. The triplets had reached the big sign, but decided to keep running past it.

Olaf was chasing them with the car, while the car doors opened and closed all the time because the Baudelaires tried to escape.

"Isadora!" Violet screamed. "If you get away, I just want you to know-"

The bald man covered her mouth. She bit him quickly, and she flinched it away. She continued.

"I know that poem about lilac flowers and nuns was about me!"

Isadora stopped running. She looked at Violet with teary eyes.

But Quigley soon took her hand and they continued running. Olaf was really, really close. The field ended and they were back on the road again. The Quagmires had nothing to lose, and ran across the road.

Olaf was about to drive across the road too, but had to stop the car quickly because a taxi came out of nowhere and drove past.

That gave the Quagmires plenty of time to run out of sight of him.

"Fuck." he said, "We lost them _again_!"  
"Don't feel so down, darling." Esme said, "We still got those Baudelaires."

The Baudelaires were crying wildly where they sat.

"Besides." Esme said, "I know where they went."


	36. Too many rules for a village

"What is this place?" Duncan asked. He was exhausted from running so much.  
"A village of some sort." Quigley guessed.

"Excuse me?"

The triplets turned around. In front of them stood an old looking woman.

"Excuse me, what are you doing here?"  
"We are... the Quagmire triplets." Quigley explained.  
"Oh!" the woman exclaimed, "I read about you in the daily punctulio! Come with me!"

The children shrugged. The woman didn't look to be dangerous, so they followed her.

She escorted them to a big house that resembled a court. Inside sat a lot of people in a hall dressed in weird clothes, as if they waited for them.

"Now, we have finished discussing that subject." an old man in the hall said. He sat in at the end of the hall, in front of everyone together with other people who looked to be as old as him.

"It looks like it was just in time." said another man. He pointed at the Quagmires. "Runaway children. Wonderful. We need some new people here."  
"What the fuck." Isadora whispered.  
"Silence!" the first man screamed, and started to bang his table with those hammers judges have in court. "Rule 222 says 'no naughty words' and that was a naughty word, young lady!"  
"I am suprised it was your 222th rule and not like, your second."  
"Rule 570 says no to any sass!"  
"Question." Quigley said, "What's rule 666?"  
"Rule 665 is 'do not ask what 666 is'!"  
"I feel like your rules are just piles of shi-" Quigley said, clearing his throat, "shiitake mushrooms."  
"Rule 2001 says 'do not quote people from other universes'."  
"I really want to know the story behind a lot of these rules." Duncan said.  
"We can discuss the reasons for our rules another day. Now, tell me. What's your names?"

"I am Quigley Quagmire. These are my siblings-"  
"Silence! Let your siblings introduce themselves! Rule 192 clearly states that nobody should introduce another person."  
"I am Isaodra Quagmire." Isadora said awkwardly.  
"I am Duncan Quagmire." Duncan said.

The elders in front of them blinked slowly.

"The Quagmires from the newspaper?"  
"Correct." Quigley said and felt proud for speaking so proffesionally.  
"I heard they are on the run from Count Olaf." some random human in the audience said.  
"We are." Isadora said, "He has kidnapped our friends, and us for a short while too. We just ran away from him, and he still has our friends."  
"If you could help us that would be wonderful." Duncan blurted out.

Everyone in the hall was quiet.

"Well..." the man in the front said, "Since you were brought here by one of our villagers, we have to do something about you."  
"We can leave, too." Isadora suggested.  
"Nonsense! You are here, so we will take you in! It takes a village to raise a child, and I think we should keep you to raise!"  
"That will be our subject with the Quagmires!" another man cheered, "What will we use them for if we keep them?"  
"They can make all our chores!" someone in the audience suggested.  
"Yes!" a man in the front said. "I declare the Quagmire children will live here to do all of our chores!"

Everyone cheered. Then, one of them raised their hand.

"I was just wondering, who will they stay with?"  
"Hector of course!" the old man said, "He's our handyman! Isn't that right, Hector?"

A younger man stood up. Before he had anything to say, he fainted.

"We will take Hector's faint as a yes!"

The Quagmires were escorted out, following Hector. He had quickly gone up from his fainting and looked to be a pretty pleasant man.

"Sorry if I fainted in there." he said, "But i'm happy you will be staying with me. Even if it was pretty spontaneous."  
"Yeah..." Duncan said, "We... we haven't had a very good day."  
"I heard you were on the run of a kidnapper." Hector said.  
"Yes." Isadora said, "He still has our friends. We need to find them again."  
"Or he will come here." Quigley sighed.

Hector looked like he might faint again. "Oh... I see. You're making me nervous, which is completely understandable, because this must make you nervous too. Why is this man after you?"

Quigley sighed. "It's a long story."

Hector smiled. "It's sort of a long walk to my house. You can tell it on the way."

The triplets told Hector everything. They told him about how Olaf tried to marry Isadora, how he killed uncle Monty and Josephine, how he hypnotised Duncan, how he forced them to run laps and kidnapped their friends... and it felt so good to just have someone who listened.

"That sounds to sad." Hector sniffed when they finished. "Don't worry, I will try to help you as much as I can!"  
"Thank you." Isadora said. "It feels like this town has too many rules."  
"Oh it does." Hector said, "You need to keep a lot of secrets here."

He guided them to a big barnyard he had next to his house. Then, he proceeded to look around as if to see no one was spying on them. Then, he opened it.

Inside was a large boat, or ship, or whatever it was. It also included balloons, or something like that. The triplets weren't good with mechanics.

"This is my hot air mobile home." Hector said proudly. "I plan of one day flying up in the sky with it and never come down again."  
"That sounds wonderful." Isadora said.   
"You three can come with me." Hector said.  
"We would love to." Quigley admitted, "But we would like to rescue our friends first."  
"Of course." Hector said and smiled.

Hector gave them new outfits that somehow was exactly their fit. He said he took care of all the clothes that no one could fit in anymore, and since this village didn't seem to have any children at all, there were many alternatives.

Isaodora liked her outfit the most - yellow overalls with a red blouse underneath. She felt so oddly fancy in it. Like a new wave of confidence had hit her just because she wore this.

But doing chores for an entire village was not very fun. The Quagmires were currently cleaned the large fountain that was located in the middle of the town.

"I wish Violet was here." Isadora said sadly, "She would invent a way to do chores faster."  
"I wish Klaus were here." Duncan sighed.  
"So you can kiss him again?" Quigley asked.

Isadora dropped her cleaning material. "What? You kissed Klaus?"  
"Yeah, while we were talking to Violet in the trunk." Quigley explained. "Then they made out."  
"We didn't make out!"  
"Did too!"

"Children!" said an old villager, "It's time for you to clean up the donkeys droppings."

The triplets sighed and went away.

Not noticing there was a small noise of banging coming from inside the fountain.


	37. Why children shouldn't help someone out of jail

It was the afternoon, and the triplets sadly cleaned the windows on the gas station. They sighed. They just wanted to find their friends.

Suddenly, Hector came up to them.

"Children..." he said, "You know this Olaf you mentioned?"  
"Yes?" the triplets said in unison.  
"He's been captured."

Quigley dropped his garden fork. Isadora and Duncan looked like they would explode.

"What?" they said.

The Quagmire triplets sat in the court. They were nervous, anxious... somehow it felt bad that Olaf has been captured.

"Make way, make way!"

The triplets turned around and saw a woman, dressed in the most fancy cop outfit they had ever seen. Isadora almost shivered at the sight of her.

"My name is officer Luciana and I am your new chief of police."  
"What happened to the old one?" a man asked.  
"He got sick. He accidentally swallowed thumbtacks. Now, I will bring in the criminal."

Two people came into the hall. One of them looked to be a detective, and in front of him was a man that really resembled Count Olaf. But something was off.

"I am detective Dupin!" the detective announced. "And I have captured Count Olaf!"  
The Quamgires recogonized the voice very well.

Detective Dupin dragged Count Olaf in front of the audience. The Quagmire triplets stared at him. And then they frowned.

This man had one eyebrow. He was wearing Olaf's clothes. But... it wasn't Count Olaf.

"Excuse us." Isadora said.  
"No excuses!" Detective Dupin yelled, "This is Count Olaf as all of you can see! He's even got the tatoo!"  
"Hey." the man who was not Count Olaf whispered, "Quagmires?"

The Quagmires leaned in.

"My name is Jacques Snicket." he said, "And... Detective Dupin is really Count Olaf."  
"Where are the Baudelaires?" Quigley asked.  
"I don't know. I came here to search for them. And you."

"Show us your left ankle!" Officer Luciana ordered.

Jacques did as he was told and showed it. The triplets gasped. On his left ankle, there was a tatoo of an eye, just like with Count Olaf.

"How can we trust you?" Duncan asked angrily.  
"Oh, you can't. But I want to help you. I just need to get out of this."

"I say we sentence Olaf to jail!" one of the elder man screamed.  
"I say we'll burn him at the stake tomorrow morning!" one of the elder women added, and everyone cheered.

Jacques frowned. "Okay, I might need your help. Do you think you can help me out of jail?"

Quigley looked at Jacques slowly. Then he shrugged.

"How hard could it be?"

"Hector, we are serious." Duncan said on their way back. "Detective Dupin was Count Olaf."  
"Oh, I believe you." Hector said, "I'm just not sure how to handle it."  
"Please." Quigley said, "Say you'll help us."  
"I want to." Hector admitted, "But i'm not sure how."  
"Do you have anything that can break through houses?" Isadora asked. "We need to help Jacques escape jail."

Hector looked like he was about to faint again.

"Child, what has made you say this things to casually?"

Isadora shrugged. "I don't care about anything anymore. I just want to find my friends and tie Olaf onto a pole, watch him burn at the stake, then maybe spit on his grave-"  
"We get it!" Quigley said.  
"And then I would go eat some pancakes and write sapphic poetry." Isadora ended.

"Well." Hector sighed, "I do have an old hammer and a hatchet. Maybe... you could use them? But you need to be careful, because if the council of elders find out-"  
"We're dead!" the triplets said in unison.  
"Not quite what I was going to say. Geez, what have the world done to you?"

They went towards the house, and noticed all the crows flying through the sky.

"I will never get used to all those crows." Isadora admitted.  
"Oh you will." Hector chuckled. "Hey, what's that thing one crow dropped?"

Dropping from a crow was a small piece of paper. Quigley captured it.

"It's..." he said.  
"It's what?" Duncan asked.  
"It's Violet's handwriting." Quigley said.

Isadora snatched the paper. "Ok! Let me read what it says!"

She was quiet for a while.

"It just says 'Foun'."  
"What's that?" Quigley asked. "Duncan?"  
"No idea." Duncan shrugged.  
"It could be code!" Isadora suggested.  
"Yeah, the Baudelaires must be close!" Quigley added. "We gotta find them quickly!"

That night, the Quagmire triplets snuck out to the jailhouse. Quigley smootly walked with the hammer and Isadora kind of danced around with the axe. Duncan was in the backround and slowly looked around nervously in case someone saw them.

"Finally here." Quigley said. "Now, do we just smash it into the wall?"  
"I guess so." Isadora shrugged.   
"There's no one here atleast." Duncan said, "I have checked atleast seven million billion thousand times."  
"Naw." Isadora said and pinched Duncan's cheek. "You remember when we used to say that."  
"I wished we still danced around the coffin in uncle Elwyn's basement." Duncan sighed. "We should have gotten to do that commercial."  
"Yeah." Quigley said and started to hold the hammer tighter. "Yeah, we fucking should have."

Then he started to bang the hammer into the wall. To his suprise, it actually seemed like it worked.

"Isa!" he screamed, "Help me here!"

Isadora started to bang slowly with her axe.

"Dude, this isn't working. The axe only does weird cuts."  
"Keep going!" Quigley screamed.  
"Wow, you are aggressive. Has something happened?"  
"No. I am just. Thinking. About. How. We. Didn't. Get. To. Do. The. Commercial."

Quigley stopped hammering the wall and started to pant.

"Hey, how do we know Jacques is in this cell?" Duncan asked.  
"We..." Isaodora said, "We don't."  
"Maybe I can look through the window?" Duncan suggested. "If I can stand on someones shoulders."

Quigley and Isadora looked up. There was a small window just above them.

"Alright." Isadora said, "You can stand on my shoulders."

Duncan carefully climbed onto his sisters back to reach her shoulders. Quigley was behind them, ready to catch anyone who could fall.

"Ok..." Duncan said. "I see absolutely no one in there. But there's only like two cells, so..."  
"Maybe Jacques already snuck out?" Isadora suggested.  
"Yeah, maybe." Duncan shrugged.

As Duncan climbed down, the three siblings wondered what to do next.

"Shall we go back?" Quigley asked.  
"But what if he's still in there?" Duncan said.  
"He's an adult." Isadora concluded. "He needs to take responsibility to break out of jail himself. Besides, we barely know him. He could be a total asshole."  
"True." her brothers said.

And so, the three unfortunate Quagmire triplets walked back to Hector's house.

"Count Olaf has been murdered!"

The triplets woke up to villagers screaming.

"What?" Isadora groaned. She looked out of the window where an old woman screamed.

"Count Olaf has been murdered!"

Shocked, the Quagmires quickly got dressed and ran outside.

They hurried to the middle of the village, at the fountain. Everyone was there, as they watched a dead Count Olaf being carried on a brig.

Only that... it wasn't Olaf.

"Jacques..." Quigley sniffed.  
"No..." Isadora said, "Is it our fault? Is- is all of this our fault?"

Suddenly, Detective Dupin and Officer Luciana stood in front of the crowd.

"Peoples of VFD!" Luciana announced, "There has been a terrible accident here last night!"  
"Count Olaf was murdered!" Detective Dupin informed them.  
"They know that, detective." Luciana said and rolled her eyes.  
"But I have found evidence of the murderers!"

The crowd gasped.

"When I found Count Olaf's corpse last night" Dupin explained, "I found a hammer and an axe near the jail!"  
"Oh, fuck." Isadora whispered.  
"Since no one here would ever drop an axe and a hammer near a jail, we suspected it came from newcomers. And the newest members of this village is none other than the three Quagmire triplets!"

Everyone gasped again and turned around to look at the triplets.

"We are innocent!" Isadora screamed. "We- we were with Hector yesterday!"  
"Is that true, Hector?" one person in the council of elders asked.

Hector was about to faint. He saw the triplets worrysome eyes looking at him. He gulped and straightened his back.

"Yes. The children were with me all this time."

"But if I am correct." Detective Dupin said, "You are a handyman. And handymans have tools such as axes and hammers."  
"Yes, but-"  
"I conclude, the Quagmires stole Hector's hammer and axe to sneak out to try to hammer into jail, where they killed Count Olaf!"

"No!" Quigley said. "We didn't even get into the jail!"

He covered his mouth. "Fuck..."

"That is" Dupin explained, "Because Olaf himself escaped! He heard you three hammering into the walls, and he climbed out the window! Then, you three beat him up to death!"

"I'll say we put the Quagmires in jail!" said a villager.  
"I'll say we burn them at the stake!" said another.  
"Now, now." and old man added, "We will not burn them at the stake."

Some villagers looked kind of sad.

The old man continued. "Not right now, atleast. How about tomorrow morning? We'll keep them in jail until then!"

Everyone cheered. The Quagmires felt more and more anxious and mad than they had been in a long time.


	38. An emotional escape

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS IS THE LAST CHAPTER OF PART 1 GUYS! I'M EMOTIONAL!

Just like that, the three Quagmires sat in a jailcell. They didn't even protest anymore. No one ever listened to them and no one ever would. Hector of course believed them, but he hadn't much power. No one listened much to him either.

Right now, Olaf was bringing them a brick of bread and water.

"Your last meal, orphans."  
"Why are you doing this?" Duncan asked harshly. "I thought you wanted our fortune. You can't get it if we get burned at the stake."  
"Oh, but maybe one of you orphans will escape in the fog and confusion. And that orphan, I will take."  
"Fuck you." Isadora said. "We will make sure to die. All of us."  
"Eat your bread and drink your water." Olaf giggled, and walked away while scatting.

"I'm sorry about this." Hector said. He stood outside the cell to talk to the Quagmires.  
"It's not your fault, Hector." Quigley sighed. "You did what you could."  
"Hey." Hector said, "I will set the hot air mobile home at golden hour! You think you can make it out until then?"  
"We will try our best." Isadora sighed, "Do you have anything to help us get out."

Hector looked down at the floor. "I only have another note from the crows."  
"Give it!" Isadora said. "I mean... yeah, we would like that."

Hector smiled and gave her the note, who she eagerly read out loud.

"Another fucking weird word!" she groaned, "It just says 'tain'?"  
"Well." Hector shrugged. "Good luck, triplets."

He waved goodbye.

"This fucking sucks." Isadora groaned. "What are we gonna do?"  
"No clue." Duncan sighed.  
"We can start with decoding these notes with Violets handwriting." Quigley suggested.  
"Yeah, why not?" Isadora sighed.

They put out the two notes who Isadora kept in her pocket.

"We got 'tain' and and we got 'foun'." Isadora sighed, "What the fuck does that mean?"  
"Wait." Quigley said, "Switch the places of the notes."  
"It just says 'foun' and 'tain' now." Isadora shrugged, "What does that-"

Quigley gave his sister a look. She gasped.

"Ooh..."  
"What?" Duncan asked.  
"Foun-tain." Isadora explained. Her brother looked suprised. He got it too.

"So, the Baudelaires are in the fountain?" Isadora asked.  
"I mean, I think so." Quigley said. "We have nothing to loose. We just... have to get out of jail."

All three of the triplets sighed.

"Guys..." Duncan suddenly said.  
"Yes?" Quigley sighed.  
"Did you realise... it's our birthday today?"

Isadora glanced at the ground. "Shit."

Duncan jumped slightly. "Where?"  
"I don't mean there's shit in the cell." Isadora explained, "I mean 'shit. It's our birthday and I didn't realise it.'"  
"What a birthday." Quigley chuckled, "Trapped in a cell for a murder we didn't commit."  
"Happy birthday." Duncan smiled.  
"Mazel tov." Isadora sighed. She took the bread Olaf had given them and threw it into the wall.

"Gosh." Duncan commented. "The bread is so hard the wall looked like it almost broke."

Quigley glanced at a rope who hanged in the ceiling. Then he looked like he got an idea.

"Guys... maybe there's a birthday gift for us. Isadora, move over that bench!"

Quigley tied the bench to the rope and put the bread on hit.

"Are you ready to celebrate?" he asked.  
"Fuck yes." Duncan and Isadora said in unison.

The triplets held tightly to the rope. And then they started to sing.

"Happy birthday to us!" they sang, and then hit the wall. "Hey!"

"Happy birthday to us! Hey! Happy birthday dear Quagmires! Hey! Happy birthday to us! Hey!

On every _hey!_, they smashed the wall in the cell. And in every smash, the wall started to break more and more. Until finally, the Quagmires were met by a cloud of smoke. A cloud of smoke is most often something unpleasant, but the Quagmire triplets thought this was the most beautiful cloud of smoke they had ever seen. Because it had made a hole in the wall, which meant they could escape the jailcell.

"Now." Isadora said, "Let us rescue our friends from the fountain!"

The fountain was in the middle of the village, which meant anyone could see them. But luckily for the Quagmires, nobody was around.

"Ok, I think we need to stand on each others shoulders again." Quigley said. "I... I think we need to stand on each others shoulders. All three of us."  
"Alright." Isadora said, "We have done it before. Just like when we stole the cookie jar."

None of the triplets had to say more. It was like they choreographed this. Isadora climbed onto Quigley's back and sat on his shoulders, while Duncan was climbing them both to stand on Isadora's shoulders. After that, Duncan held tightly onto the fountain while Isadora tried to stand up.

"Okay." Duncan said. He was looking into the beak of the crow (which the fountain was shaped as. I forgot to mention that.)  
"Hey..." Quigley said, "I don't know if I can hold it-"

Quigley suddenly slipped, making him and Isadora fall. But Duncan held onto the beak, and noticed how it opened. Then, he also slipped.

The triplets watched in wonder how the fountain opened. As it opened, it revealed two sweaty, distressed and sad Baudelaires.

"Violet!" Isadora screamed.  
"Klaus!" Duncan screamed.  
"Baudelaires!" Quigley screamed.

All five of them met in a giant group hug. Isadora, Duncan and Klaus started to cry. Quigley and Violet just laughed, while also slowly tearing up.

"Ok." Violet said, wiping her tears, "Before anything else happens, I really need to pee. We haven't used the bathroom for two days!"

She and Klaus ran off to some bushes nearby. Soon enough, they returned.

"We have been so worried." Isadora said. "We... we cracked your code."  
"Yeah, I originally just wanted to write 'fountain'" Violet said, "but in case something went wrong-"  
"We understand." Quigley said, and smiled.  
"Only that we got framed for a murder." Duncan shrugged.  
"We heard." Klaus said, "We tried to bang on the fountain as much as we could, but no one could hear us."  
"We atleast got to celebrate our birthday by busting out of jail and meeting our friends again." Isadora smiled.  
"It's your birthday?" Violet asked, "Mazel tov!"  
"Thanks!" the Quagmires said in unison.

Suddenly, they saw something strange flying through the sky.

"It's Hector!" Quigley said, "And his hot air mobile home!"  
"Come on!" Isadora ordered everyone, "We need to catch up!"

As the five orphaned children ran out of the village, several members of the village saw them.

"The Quagmire murderers have escaped!"  
"Police! Police!"  
"Where did the two extra children come from?"  
"We need to burn the children right now!"

Luckily for the children, the villagers did not move fast, because they were old and didn't like to run.

"Hector!" Duncan screamed.  
"Quagmires!" Hector yelled back. "You made it!"  
"I hope you don't mind extra passengers!" Isadora said and held onto Violet.  
"Not at all! We need all the help we can to keep the mobile home running!"

Just as Hector was folding out a ladder, the children heard a familiar noise.

"There they are!" Count Olaf screamed. He and Esmé was in front of the villagers, leading them towards the children. "Darling, I think it's time for you to try out your new toy!"

Esmé happily took out a large harpoon gun. Just as she did, the ladder had just reached the childrens level.

"Fuck." Quigley said. "We need to climb up fast."  
"You need to climb up first." Duncan said and took Klaus's hand. "We will be right behind you."

"You can't run, orphans!" Olaf screamed.  
"Burn them all!" random villagers chanted.

Violet glanced how Esmé was holding the harpoon, trying to shoot the mobile home. As soon as Klaus started to climb the ladder, Violet turned around.

"Guys... if we don't make it, there is something I have to tell you. Quigley, Isadora... close your eyes."

Isadora and Quigley were very stressed out, but closed their eyes, as they trusted Violet.

"Quigley." Violet said, "I want you to have this."

She placed something in his hand. Then she gave him a kiss on the cheek.

"Isadora... for you, I will give something special."

She grabbed Isadora tightly, and started to kiss her right on the mouth. Isadora did not hesitate to grab Violet tightly and kiss her back. The two girls almost started to have a full on make out session.

"Guys." Duncan said. "There's a mob who tries to kill us."

Violet let go. She blushed. "Hopefully, we will see each other in the mobile home."

As she started to climb the ladder, Esmé and Olaf had come so close that Esmé could shoot right at them. She pointed the harpoon gun right into the sky.

"This is going to be fun." she giggled.

Then, she shot a harpoon that flied faster than ever towards the hot air mobile home.

Splat!

Red liquid was dropping from the sky.

"Hector!" Duncan cried.  
"I'm fine!" Hector assured them, "She just hit my supply of cranberry juice!"  
"We need to climb up fast." Quigley informed his siblings.

Violet and Klaus had reached Hector and looked down to their friends. Duncan and Isadora had already started to climb, with more determination than ever to reach their dear Violet and Klaus respectively.

Esmé shot another one into the sky. It hit another balloon, and the whole hot air mobile home started to shake.

Quigley freaked out. "Isadora! Duncan! Climb down!"  
"What the fuck?" Isadora exclaimed.  
"You have no time!"

Isadora and Duncan hadn't climbed far, so they slowly went back down.

"You have to go higher, Hector!" Quigley yelled, "Or else the mobile home will be too damaged!"  
"But will you get up?" Hector asked.  
"We won't!" Quigley cried.

Hector, Violet and Klaus exchanged sad looks. Then, Hector shed a tear, and started to drive further into the sky. The Quagmire triplets hugged each other tightly.

"There the murderers are!" some random villager screamed.  
"The Baudelaire fortune is getting away!" Olaf complained.  
"Not to worry, dear." Esmé said, "I will either shoot a balloon or an orphan."

"No, don't shoot!" Duncan cried.  
"With you mechanical device!" Isadora added.

"Mechanical device?" an old woman asked. "_Mechanical device?!_"  
"You are breaking the rules!" another old woman yelled.  
"So what?" Esmé frowned, "I'm capturing murderers."

Before anyone could say anything more, Esmé had shot another harpoon into the sky. Just as she did this, the crows were flying by.

Crah!

A small crow fell onto the ground.

"You shot a crow!" one of the villagers gasped. "You broke rule number 1!"  
"We should burn _you _at the stake!" said another.

The Quagmires saw this as their chance to run away from the crowd.

"And look!" someone said, "The murderers are getting away again! You are a terrible chief of police and _you _are a terrible detective!"  
"Burn officer Luciana and Detective Dupin!"

Olaf and Esmé shared a frightened look, as the angry villagers surrounded them.

As the Quagmires watched their friends up in the air, their own feelings were up in the air. They were sad, because they may never see their friends again. But they were also happy, because the Baudelaires were safe with Hector up in the sky where nothing evil could reach them.

The three Quagmire triplets stopped running and started instead to slowly walk. They were on the run now. All alone. Everything they could do was to whisper 'goodbye' and wave to the Baudelaires and Hector.

But I am sorry to say that everything was going to be more and more unfortunate. This was only the beginning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, god. I am crying on the inside, and this was only part one.
> 
> Part 2 will come out after a little hiatus.  
Thank you to everyone who read this and supported it. I love you all.


End file.
